


Warlock (or How I Met Your Father)

by Nadzieja



Category: Good Omens (TV), Slow Show - mia_ugly, Warlock (TV) Fandom
Genre: 16th Century, Action, All Seasons, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cannon compliant, Cliffhangers, Complete Warlock Story, Denial, Fantasy, First Kiss, First Times, Hurt/Comfort, Inspired by Fanfiction, Introspection, It takes them 4 seasons to figure things out, Love Confessions, M/M, Mentions of major character parent's death, Mutual Pining, Plague, Repression, Slow Burn, Slow Show, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, Warlock the TV Show (Slow Show), William (Warlock) POV, mia_ugly's Slow Show Universe, mild panic attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:29:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 84,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21918358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadzieja/pseuds/Nadzieja
Summary: “You don’t trust me.”“Why would I? Because once in your life you decided to do the moral thing? After all you’re still a priest in the same church as the Inquisition.”"You are right, I can’t even begin to understand what the three of you have gone through, but I know you care for them.”"You don’t know me.”When Erasmus (Anthony Crowley) and William (Avery Fell) meet for the first time (in no less dramatic circumstances) there's a lot of mistrust on both sides, but they're yet to learn they have more in common than they think.[OMG there is a Warlock Trailer !][Slow Show (fic) Metaverse, but can be read as a Stand Alone Fantasy AU]
Relationships: Erasmus/William (Warlock - Slow Show)
Comments: 203
Kudos: 137
Collections: Slow Show Metaverse, Warlock fic





	1. First Test of Faith (s01 ep01)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mia_ugly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mia_ugly/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Slow Show](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20395261) by [mia_ugly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mia_ugly/pseuds/mia_ugly). 



> There wasn't any fanfic yet plotting the whole _Warlock_ story and I might have taken on too big of a project, but hell I enjoy writing it, so maybe you'll find it interesting as well:) I start at Season 1, including every scene mentioned in the Slow Show.
> 
> While this fic is rated M (mature), most of it is T. There will be a few scenes implying more than cuddling, but I will note them in the opening comments. It's nothing graphic either, I'm striving to write this in a more poetic way if anything.

Episode 1

They sit around the campfire in silence. It's cold and they should be moving, but they're all exhausted, especially the child. William glances at Joshua sleeping peacefully in Julia's arms. God, he's only three and already the whole world is after him. 

"You okay, priest?" 

Erasmus brings timber from the woods, sits next to him, warms his hands by the fire. He keeps calling him priest like this was the only thing defining him and once it might have been true. Is it a test? Oh God, please tell me it is. He's not okay, but he gives the man a slight nod. Erasmus observes him for a moment, but doesn't inquire any further and William is grateful for that. At some point, Julia and Joshua go to sleep. He should too, but he knows he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep anyway. At first, there was clarity and conviction in his actions, in their mission. Now the longer it lasts, the less faith he has that they will eventually succeed. Please Lord, speak to me, show me the way. Unwillingly he clasps his hands. 

"You go rest, priest. I'll keep watch." Erasmus says and William realises his internal battle is too much in the open, too easy to read. And why is he so weak? He should be their spiritual guide...

"I'll stay, I wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway.” There, at least he can manage to tell the truth. 

“Suit yourself,” Erasmus says too quickly and it stings. The man stands up, walks over to the rest and curls himself in a blanket. Williams straightens his black tunic, nervously runs his hand through the blonde mussed hair. He is alone with his thoughts again. 

At first it was all so clear. 

The church is empty except for himself. Faithful stopped coming some time ago, but William isn’t disheartened. This world needed to be prayed for in this time of turmoil now more than ever and that’s what he does. He is just finishing celebrating the evening mass, when a frantic knocking at the door echoes off the walls of the small church. There is something about the urgency of it that makes William's heart jump. 

"I'm sorry, the church is-" words die in his throat as soon as the dagger's sharp edge promptly reaches his neck. The man holding it has long red flaming hair and his face, as well as what looks like an expensive tunic, is covered in dirt and dried blood.  
_I am going to die, William thinks._

"Don't hurt him!" A voice from behind the merchant speaks. Only then William notices a dark haired woman who is holding a child in her arms and something in his heart melts.The redhead man who William swears could as well be a snake-oil merchant pierces him with his bright amber eyes and then withdraws the blade.

"...he deserves it." The man says not looking at William anymore. He enters deeper into the church like he owns the place and scans it carefully. "Anyone else here?"

"N- no." William stutters.

"You better not be lying."

"There isn't anyone else here." He repeats firmly. "People don't come to the church as much as…"

"Surprise, surprise." Erasmus cuts him off and his cynical tone raises a brow on William’s face. He’s still not quite sure what’s going on or what he has to deal with. They don’t look like bandits, more like fugitives, but what would they be running fr-

"Not every priest supports the Inquisition." The woman points out and all the pieces fall into place. Williams looks at her again, how could he not notice it? He swallows, but that means… it means…

“I'm sorry for the measures, but Inquisition is on our feet and…”

“You… you're a… witch." He sums up.

“I’d prefer a sorcerer, _thankyouverymuch_ , but they're not after… me.” The woman looks down with immense amount of devotion, love and worry at the child and William feels his heart stop for the second time that day. _No, that is not possible. They wouldn't kill a child, would they?_

“All clear, arghhh!” The man announces and then frantically raises one hand to his forehead. There, hidden under a lock of his hair is an ugly gash. The witch raises one hand, takes a few steps towards him.

“Here, let me-” 

“Don’t touch me!” 

They stare at each other for a while in silence, the woman’s hand still held up in the air, surprise painted at her face. “You can’t… use your powers now, they’re so close they _will_ sense it.” He adds as an explanation. 

“Maybe I could help” 

William runs to his bedroom to bring some water and a towel. _What are you even doing_ , he thinks to himself. _Helping_ , the answer comes almost instantly, _it’s what I’m meant to do_. When he enters the main nave again, the couple sits on the opposite sides of a timber pew. He gauges the possibility of the man letting his hand get anywhere near his face and decides to leave everything just next to him, within the safe proximity. He wants to ask what happened, he doesn’t dare. Instead he backs away towards the woman and the child who is asleep in her arms, the picture is heartbreaking. 

“You’re being chased then.” He asks the witch and bites his lip, _don’t ask stupid questions. That’s not what you’re here for_. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t-”

With the corner of his eye he sees the wounded man scowl at his offer, then slowly, but surely reach for the wet towel and William smiles to himself.

“I think we’ve lost them,” the woman says and then adds after a while “I hope. Look I know how it looks like and you have no reason to help us, but if we could stay here overnight, just one night… we'll be gone before the sun rises.” She is erratically stroking the boy’s hair. 

“Before the sun rises." He repeats stupidly and then there is a sound of commotion outside - horses and shouts. Their gazes meet.

By the time a sharp and frantic knocking appears, William is celebrating another mass. Without a rush he moves to open, just in time before the doors are forced from the outside and the tallest man he has ever seen steps inside the church like he owns the place. He is covered in black heavy armour and has a sword at his thigh. William immediately feels distaste at his sight. 

"Priest." 

The thug growls and takes off his helmet. His hair is short, messy, his features sharp and there is a deep ugly scar running across his nose and cheek. Two more thugs enter behind him. William notices more people outside, holding dogs eager to jump at their throats at the first opportunity and for the second time this night he thinks to himself _this time I am definitely going to die._

He gathers all the courage he ever had and turns around.

"This is a holy place." He growls, surprised at his own tone of voice. "And I would advise you to- to treat it with respect."

"I respect the Grand Inquisitor, don't need your permission." 

He nods to the other two and at once start turning everything upside down. There’s an unexpected pang of anger in William’s heart that he isn’t supposed to feel. Without thinking his body moves forward, but a heavy hand drops on his shoulder like a boulder pinning him to the ground. 

“Not so fast. You don’t have anything to hide, do you?” 

The thug grins showing his yellow teeth. William frowns, he doesn’t say anything, but his heart is pounding again. _Please God, save them if you will_. It calms him somewhat, lets him breathe at least. _I can’t control everything_ , he reminds himself and silently watches as the other cutthroats rip materials from the altar, turn every painting and every pew. He has heard that the Holy Inquisition forces are brutal, that they employ mercenaries and give them power to pillage and plunder, but he has never experienced it for himself. The unrest hasn’t reached their peaceful village, until now.

"Why?" William’s mouth is dry. “Why are you doing this?” He demands.

"We are chasing dangerous fugitives - a couple of sorcerers and a child."

"A child." William repeats. "Doesn't sound dangerous to me."

"No one asked for your opinion."

"There's something in here" one of the cutthroats uncovers a door behind a curtain at the back. Their chief grunts at William, who tries to remain as calm as possible and puts all his willpower to keep his voice from shaking.

"It's a larder." He explains and almost succeeds at sounding casual. "Not- not much left in there either.” He adds quickly and he can tell it only makes them more suspicious. 

"Well if that’s the case surely you won’t mind us checking now, would you?" 

The chief’s hand squeezes William’s shoulder brutally, keeping him in place and he feels the ember of anger lighting in him again. He watches the thugs rub their hands together, force the door and go inside, when he helplessly tries to hide the trembling of his hands. After a few minutes that in his head last eternity they walk out with bread and a few pieces of dried meat. 

"The priest was right, not much here… but," one of them waves the food in the air like a precious trophy. The chief grins down to William.

“Well, well, I’ve misjudged you, priest, my bad. I mistook your nervousness for guilt, while you were only worried about…” he pats William’s slightly protruding belly and then quickly adds “Can’t blame you really. Confiscate in the name of the Inquisition!" He yells to his thugs.

"Wait-! You can't-"

"We can and we will. Oh and priest? Let’s be clear about this - if you're hiding anything else from us…" he makes a suggestive move with his finger crossing his own throat. 

Once they are gone and the adrenaline wears off he needs to steady himself on a wall not to collapse to the floor. He feels suddenly sick and his eyes fill with something wet. Then he remembers and runs to the larder. There, at the far end under the rug is a trap door leading down to the small crypt underneath the church. He pushes it open. 

"Are-,” he pants, swallows. “Are you okay? It was so close I almost, uh" he pauses not sure what to say next. "And, and the food! They took my last provisions, everything…”

"Not everything." The man’s face appears first, a half-nibbled chicken leg in his hand. "You’re welcome." He says to stunned William who, he has to admit it, is grateful to the thief for stealing his food. He helps them out of the hideout. 

“I’m William. William of Neath.” 

“Julia. This is Joshua. And that insufferable bastard is Erasmus.”

Julia prepared them a proper meal from the leftovers that Erasmus has managed to grab. William was a poor cook and he mostly lived on bread, water and some dried meat. In the past he would sometimes eat in the inn, but recently going to the village has become too dangerous. Mercenaries and thugs have arrived in search for easy coin. They loitered around corners and in the taverns looking how to take advantage of the unfortunate political situation. And the situation was dire with the Holy Inquisition appearing at every doorstep, spreading like fire and destroying everything in its wake. All in the name of _purging_ the society from evil.

"Thank you. This was delicious." William says gobbling down his soup. 

"Thank _you_ " says Julia. "If not for you, we would be… Well, I don't even want to think about what would happen to us." She has a lovely long black hair partially tied into a bun at the top of her head and partially covering her back like a cloak. Every now and then she looks back at little Joshua, now peacefully asleep in William’s bed.

“He must have been really tired.” The priest points out and Julia nods.

Erasmus looks between the two, but doesn’t say anything unless asked directly. Now in the bright light, William finally has the time to give him a proper look. His fierce red hair is braided at the back and his eyes have an odd amber hue. The wound looks clean and William spirits lift a little. Even though the man’s expensive robe appears to be ruined by the blood that dripped down. 

"I don't understand why the Inquisition is so set on believing the child is such a danger to them."

Erasmus’s hand stops mid-way in the air and he exchanges cryptic gazes with Julia that William has no way of knowing. There is tangible tension between them that goes on for a while, ending with Erasmus shrugging his arms. 

"He’s not just… an _ordinary_ child and not even an _ordinary_ sorcerer…" Julia starts and William feels his heart going up his throat with her every word. "There is a… revelation, a prophecy… That one day a child will be born who…"  
"...will change the world." William finishes the rhyme with her and then covers his mouth with his hands. The only sound in the room is Erasmus's spoon hitting the bowl. 

"B- but how- why-" William starts, stutters, while Erasmus stands up from the table and lies down on the bed next to Joshua without even a single word, as if he didn’t hear them at all.

"We don't know yet, but we can't let the child fall into the hands of the Inquisition. Not before we know what he’s capable of, before we can teach him how to use his power.”

“How to use his power.” William repeats and he bites his tongue. 

“Well, how to… harness it. You can’t leave a gifted child like that to live on his own, to be surrounded by people who hate, who want to take advantage of him. Half of the world wants to kill him, the other half wants to use him. All in the fear of what he might become.”

William knew which part of the world chose to murder, which gave the order to kill all boys with affinity for magic and he feels ashamed to be a part of that same church. How could have he been turning a blind eye to it?

William can’t sleep that night and not only because he gave up his bed to Julia and Joshua. He can’t stop thinking about the child, about why God had created the boy, why did he cross their paths. But he's done the right thing, didn't he? Whether or not the child will grow to be a powerful sorcerer and who knows? Maybe he will change the world for the better? Exhausted, he turns onto his side to at least try to get some sleep, when he notices two bright snake-like eyes staring at him. Against himself he flinches before realising who it is.

"What's the matter priessst? Afraid someone will see through you?" Erasmus hisses. 

William makes a sour expression, he clears his throat. Julia is asleep and there is no one now to protect him from the man's obnoxious manners. There is something sad about the man who has to analyse William's every move not able to sleep, even though he must have been exhausted from the days on the run, carrying some old wounds that never healed properly. 

"You don't trust me."

"Why would I? Because once in your life you decided to do the moral thing? What, do you want a pat on the back? Maybe right now you think _oh it wasn't that hard, we've made it. Glory to the Lord_ and all that, but in the future it might be tempting to choose the comfortable life. After all you're still a priest in the same church as the Inquisition."

Erasmus voice is quiet and he delivers his last words in an almost audible whisper, it makes William shiver. If he could lower his head or bury himself underground, he would, but somehow he feels the man deserves the truth. 

"You are right," he responds. "I was never in a position where I had to make the hard choice. I don't know what I would do, I can only hope that I will make the right decision, when the time comes."

It makes him feel better about himself somehow, gives him hope, strengthens his faith. Erasmus doesn't say anything, so William continues. 

"I can't even begin to understand what the three of you have gone through, but I know you care for them, for Julia and the boy." He points out, discovering new found warm feelings for the man. Maybe that's all he needs, someone that can understand him, believe in him a little. Erasmus rejects William's words before he finishes the sentence. He can tell it from the way his eyes slit, from the sneer on his face.

"You don't know me," is the only response that William gets and Erasmus turns away from him. 

Before William falls asleep he says prayers for Joshua, he says prayers for Julia and he says prayers for Erasmus, the longest one for him. 

And then he is able to sleep peacefully.


	2. On the Crossroads (s01 ep02)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When William opens his eyes the next day, the bedroll beside him as well as his bed are empty. _Wait_ , he wants to scream to no one in particular. There's suddenly something missing inside him, something he desperately wants to keep. With a pounding heart he runs to the church's main nave, hoping he might still catch it, he can fix it. He can be brave.
> 
> He searches for words that he knows aren't there - it is an impulse, vague intuition that makes him come here. The _'you don't know me'_ and the _'they're not after me'._ The love in their eyes, the feeling something's missing in his.
> 
> *
> 
> William has to decide how far he is willing to go to help Erasmus, Julia and Joshua to survive, and more importantly, figure out what is really holding him back?

Episode 2

When William opens his eyes the next day, the bedroll beside him as well as his bed are empty. _Wait_ , he wants to scream to no one in particular. There's suddenly something missing inside him, something he desperately wants to keep. With a pounding heart he runs to the church's main nave, hoping he might still catch it, he can fix it. He can be brave.

He enters too quickly and staggers as he brings himself to a halt, trying his best to not look like he was running (his cheeks are flushed and he’s out of breath). 

"Oh."

Two pairs of eyes turn towards him, while the small boy runs around, immersed in his own mischief and ignoring them completely. Joshua is so much more lively today, so much more… happy. _Happier than all of them, oblivious._

"We were just leaving, sorry for overstaying our-" Julia offers at the same time as he says: " _Pleasedon’tleaveyet._ ” For a while they stare at each other, William just as surprised by his own words as she is. 

"That is, I mean…" 

He searches for words that he knows aren't there - it was an impulse, vague intuition that made him come here. The _'you don't know me'_ and the _'they're not after me'._ The love in their eyes, the feeling something's missing in his.

"Maybe- Is there… anything else I could do to help? And, and if you would like to stay any longer..." he glances at Joshua, it's easier to look away. 

For a moment he thinks Julia will refuse the offer, but just then Erasmus cuts in.

"Well priessst," he crosses his arms, "as a matter of fact you could, but that would require more… _commitment_ from you."

Erasmus says it as a challenge, William sees that. Asking _how far are you willing to go? How many tests can you bear?_ He's smug today and not at all like the man saying _you don't know me_ in the darkness of the night.

William licks his lips. “Tell me." 

It is indeed something only William can help them with. A day or two away from Neath there is a Monastery that prides itself on having rare books. William knows it well, reading is one of the few pleasures of this world he's allowed to enjoy. He vaguely remembers some exceptional pieces and maybe even something on the topic of the _Great Warlock_ , although he isn't sure. Erasmus insists they only want to have a _look_ , maybe take some notes.

William agrees, although not without some reservations. First being that only men are allowed into the Monastery, naturally, therefore Julia and Joshua will have to wait for them somewhere else. Another one is well… Erasmus's behaviour to put it plainly. Especially that he would have to pretend to be William's apprentice. But he agrees. _See?_ William addresses Erasmus in his head, _I can do this._

They spend one more day at the church, it allows Erasmus to scout the area before the journey, while Julia looks into the astral plane for anything they should be avoiding. William doesn't understand magic, he's been taught to despise it, to see it as something dangerous, but Julia isn't dangerous. She explains to him that every living being has magical energy, most people just don't have sufficient power to impact the world, but enough to be visible on the astral plane. 

"Can you tell me how much of… that energy do I have?" William asks and blushes. "Just out of-"

"Of course." Julia saves him the embarrassment and her soft hand lands on his shoulder. She closes her eyes only for a fraction of a second.

"None." She says with wide eyes, the corners of her mouth twitching. "That is… It must be from the years of…"

"I understand." William stops her before she can say too much. He knows, he is a product of his environment.

To distract himself he goes back to packing. He takes care of Joshua, lets him play around his room and even gives him his old soft toy that he kept in his cupboard for all those years. (He is moderately ashamed of it, but couldn't make himself throw it away either). The boy shrieks from joy, takes it and runs its fingers across it, at the same moment the old worn linen regains its former softness and fuzziness.

"Oh," 

William says amazed. _There is so much about this world I don't know yet._ In the world of magic he is but a child.

When Erasmus is back they're ready to head out. William closes the church doors and leaves a note outside. _There's nothing suspicious about it_ , he tells himself. He's done it before when he needed to travel. They set out in the general direction of the Monastery, which is located somewhat off the village and off the beaten track, thank god for that. Erasmus scouts the forest ahead nonetheless, so William finally has the chance to speak with Julia one on one. 

There are many burning questions that are on his mind since that first night, most of them about Erasmus. William can't forget the sight of his amber eyes burning in the dark just before he says _You don't know me._ And he would be lying if he said that he agreed to join them only to help with the book. What he _really_ wants is to… teach little Joshua how to be kind, show Julia that priests can be trusted (just as much as sorcerers and warlocks can) and... _unwrap_ Erasmus. He doesn't know what that means yet, but he is a priest and he met enough people at odds with their past to recognise it. They work like a magnet for him and that's what he's here for, right? To _heal._

There are many burning questions on his mind, but instead he asks:

"How did you meet Erasmus?"

"Ah, hm, well…"

Julia doesn't expect it, she starts blinking frantically like she's looking for the right answer. 

"We've met during... the battle I suppose. Inquisition was already closing in on Joshua. I got to him too late and when I entered the room... Erasmus stood there just staring at the cot. I thought all was lost, I thought he's going to slay the baby before I can cross the room, but then… an Inquisitor entered... Erasmus raised his sword and blocked the oncoming blade. I run in to help and together… we escaped. Somehow.”

“Oh,” is all William can muster to say. He imagines Erasmus standing by the cot, his long hair falling on his shoulders. He's leaning on his sword, ready to…

“I didn’t know he was the sword fighting type."

Julia laughs at that “right? Full of surprises that one. He keeps his cards close to his chest.”

“And what about you?”

“What about me?” She smiles and William goes red for no reason at all, except for maybe having very little experience with women. 

“How did you come to be… um, involved in this situation.”

“I knew about the prophecy and well, he’s one of ours isn’t he? Ever since the Inquisition has been formed, sorcerers took care of one another, helped to… survive. It became a matter of honour, an unspoken duty to repay the kindness we were shown."

“But why were you the only sorcerer to save the boy? Surely if he is so-"

“I wasn’t.” she says quickly and looks down to the ground.

“ _Oh _,” William realizes and falls silent.__

__Thank God for Erasmus appearing out of nowhere and breaking the somber atmosphere with his cheeky grin. “The path is clear” he announces and gives William a challenging gaze, raises one brow “we’re almost there.” The priest doesn't flinch, he's _ready _.___ _

____Getting into the Monastery is easy - they know William and don't ask many questions. Keeping Erasmus out of trouble is a different matter entirely._ _ _ _

____“ _Don’t_ take off your hood and _don’t_ talk so loudly.” William whispers desperately after him. People are looking at them and he gives them apologetic glances and nervous smiles. He's not going to show his face here anytime soon, if ever. Erasmus must be taking great pleasure in torturing him like this. _ _ _ _

____“So this is the book.” Erasmus leans at the glass, his breath stays on it for a while after. There is hope in his voice and William can't help, but bask in it._ _ _ _

____"Oh, bloody hell!" Erasmus squints his eyes at the book, all the hope deflating from him like a pierced balloon. William gaze follows, he can see the issue..._ _ _ _

____"It's in some ancient-"_ _ _ _

____"I know the language," William cuts in quickly, desperately. "I didn't have to use it since, uh seminary, so I'm a bit rusty, but with the access to the library I should be able to…"_ _ _ _

____"How long would it take?"_ _ _ _

_____It's not good enough, he knows._  
"A while." He looks up at Erasmus, their gazes hold, then the man nods. _ _ _ _

____“Now I only need to ask for-” He stops mid sentence and looks mortified as Erasmus starts lifting the glass panel._ _ _ _

____"Stop!" William whispers as loud as he can muster the courage for. Immediately he reaches out to prevent any movement, their hands almost touch._ _ _ _

____“Alright, alright. You're the boss here."_ _ _ _

____Erasmus smirks. William gives him a sideways glance and walks away to properly apply for access to the book. If he doubted it before, now he is sure Erasmus is torturing him on purpose. A moment later they sit opposite each other on a timber bench with the book between them. William has a parchment to his side, on which he scribbles every now and then. There is also another book that serves as a dictionary of sorts. Erasmus leans his head on his hand and frankly just stares._ _ _ _

____"You're just going to look at me like that?"_ _ _ _

____"Let me know if I can help you otherwise."_ _ _ _

____He can't, they both know that and what are they even doing here? They will never be able to translate the whole book. William sighs heavily and puts the feather down._ _ _ _

____"There is another option."_ _ _ _

____Erasmus says and William is already scared of what might be said, but even more scared that he might agree to it._ _ _ _

____"We could…" the man licks his lips, considers it for a while "borrow the books." His eyes meet William's in what looks like a plea, he knows he's asking a lot._ _ _ _

____"No." William's answer comes quickly. "Absolutely not. It's a completely different thing to help someone survive than to steal from a library."_ _ _ _

____“Alright, _angel_ ” Erasmus leans back crossing his arms and William rolls his eyes.__ _ _

_____“It’s not that, it’s….” _what exactly? _He doesn’t know “not right.”___ _ _ _ _

_______"Okay look, all I'm asking you is to… look away, for a second. _You_ don't have to be involved in this at all. And we can always give the books back, on our way well… back." _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______“Because _of course_ no one will suspect me when the books go missing after our visit.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Survival then? Is it about survival for him?_ If he goes home after this the Inquisition will never know about his involvement, he'll be safe. _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______William sighs, massaging his temples as if that could help him make up his mind._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"Why do you need this book so badly? Why is it so important?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"It was written down by a Prophet from the Covenant, the sorcerer's council that existed before their oppression." Erasmus adds seeing William's blank face. "It contains prophecy of their persecution which is said to end during the Warlock's life. Clues for us if you will." Erasmus sighs, rubs his eyes with one hand. He's desperate._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"The thing is… I _know_ Inquisition has the book and they're going to use that knowledge against us. They're ahead of us, they always will be, I know, but…" William waits for him to continue, for something more, but Erasmus only shrugs. That's it, that's all William has, to weigh against the years of his upbringing. _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"Right…" _Is it a test? God, are you testing me? _____ _ _ _ _ _

_________He is standing on the edge of a cliff with racing thoughts and the path forks in two directions - he falls either way._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________There's no shame in going home… everyone would say he’s done more than enough to help. _All he's done is ticked the box._ There's little boy running in his church, laughing. _It's not about surviving. This is_ right._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________“Then-” William licks his lips, his heart pounding, his mind a mess “you will need someone to translate the book for you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________“The priest is joining us.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________That is all Erasmus says and it’s not a question._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________“He’ll have to translate the book, because _someone_ forgot to tell me it’s not written in human!" He looms over Julia, before looking back at William. "Right, angel?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________He's far from being an angel (does it sounds less like a mockery this time?) and makes him red on the cheeks. Julia frowns with a smile, looks between them, but Erasmus only winks like he wants to say _it's going to be our secret.__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________“Long story.” William says finally._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________“Wee!” Joshua throws his little hands around William’s leg and the priest picks him up._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________“Well now, you’ve got approval of all members of the party.” Julia pats him on the back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________The choice was made and he feels... relieved. _Is it a good thing or a bad thing? Will he ever be sure?_ This is right. _This is what he thinks now.__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________“Where are we headed?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________“North. We need to cross the border to Orsya. We will be safer there.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________“Inquisition operates beyond borders" William points out suddenly concerned with his survival, now that his morality has been settled (for the time being). "They have support of many rulers and authorisation to operate in their countries."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________“They will have less reason to pillage and use their power there, though of course we won’t be rid of them. If only we manage to cross the border, I know a place where we should be… safe… for a while."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________“Oh.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________Somehow William was hoping they are going to… join a bigger, stronger and safer party. That this dangerous part of the journey is only temporary. _For a while_ , William repeats in his thoughts. _For a while,_ that's all he has now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________They carry on through the forest for as long as they can, sleeping by the campfires and hunting for food in the woods (or should he say - Erasmus is hunting). Every now and then William goes to a nearby village, buys a loaf of bread and listens to the local gossip. Alert for any mention of the Inquisition, which is still looking for a redhead man, dark haired witch and a child._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________"You're a treasure," Erasmus tells him once, when the priest comes back handing out food and William keeps this words safely tucked in his heart. He's never been called a treasure before and certainly didn't consider himself one. In fact, he doesn’t feel like much of help at all - he doesn’t know how to use a sword, can barely cope with translating the book and is most likely slowing them down. Perhaps he didn't deserve it, but he keeps those words with him anyway._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________In the evenings, William works on the translation for as long as he is able, but it’s hard with the poor lighting and the journey is wearing him down. It has a similar effect on Joshua, who signals his disapproval with periods of wailing, which doesn’t help either._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________“Have you figured out anything yet, angel?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________Erasmus sits next to him on a tree trunk, so close William can feel the warmth of his body. Whether it’s the constant sleeping on the ground that does it, the fear of what is yet to come or Erasmus's nonchalant tone, William can’t hold it in anymore and it comes in with full force._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________“Stop calling me that!” he snaps._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________Julia looks up at him stunned, Joshua stops crying and suddenly the only sound is the cracking of the fire. William wishes he could just crawl under a rock. Remorse fills him to the brim, spills out._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________“I mean- I’m just-” he rasps, his chest heaving hastily “I’m sorry.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________"Wrath - one of the deadly sins."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________Erasmus points out, there is a sense of triumph on his face and it stings. A lot. _That’s why you call me angel,_ William thinks. _You’re waiting to see me fall._ It’s unfair, he’s just tired, _but then again maybe we all fall in the end._ Who is he trying to fool? He can’t even be a proper priest. The silence is awkward, and William fervently thinks of something that could break it. He bites his lip for a while, but eventually-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________“How long before we reach the border?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________Erasmus winces at the mention of it. It’s a topic that looms over them, but is never breached, like it could be willed out of existence if all of them manage to forget it. But William can do neither and speaking about it at least gives him the _impression_ of tackling the issue. No one knows how it's going to go and it might go sideways very quickly. They've been lucky not to encounter the Inquisition so far, suspiciously lucky in fact…_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________“A day or two,” Erasmus’s manages a casual tone, they could as well be discussing weather or their last meal. “But don’t worry about it. I have an old _friend_ that owes me… a favour.” Erasmus smirks._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________“A wily serpent like you has a friend? Remarkable.” Words roll off William’s tongue as if someone else put them there. The jab catches Erasmus off guard and he snorts, looks at the priest almost impressed. Something in William’s stomach unknots._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________“Is that jealousy now? Careful _angel_ , you’re falling from grace and risk becoming a mere mortal like the rest of us."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________Erasmus offers him a piece of meat as he says it. William’s stomach tugs at him to accept it, but the pang of guilt is stronger. He knows, despite their best efforts, there isn't enough food for the four of them. _You’re not a treasure, you’re a burden.__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________"Come on, I’m not just being _nice_. We _need_ you and you've got to eat.” _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________The man insists and shakes the rabbit’s leg in the air. _Need_ is all William hears and it puts him at ease. For now. _Maybe he could still become a treasure_. He smiles and accepts the offer. For a while they munch on their food and no one says a word. In the distance Julia puts Joshua to sleep, she has the grace to not comment on the scene that took place a few minutes ago. Erasmus rises a cup to his lips and whispers just for William to hear:_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________"Everything will be fine, one way or another. We've come this far." William nods, he wants to believe it. _Is fear another deadly sin?__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________The next day they are on their way and the further they go, the more William fears that the _true_ test still awaits him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	3. Beasts and monsters (s01 ep03)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _They were innocent, didn't stand a chance_ , William thinks. _But they would kill you all the same_ , another voice responds. _Would you prefer to fight them?_ He doesn't like that voice, it appears more and more often and takes William out of the maze of his thoughts and into the blunt cold logic.  
>    
> _You are one of them now, against everything that’s holy in this world_
> 
> *
> 
> William has to face his own fear and brutality of the path he's chosen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for minor injuries

Episode 3

"Verdad," 

Julia points to the city glistening in the distance - structures built on the mountain slope, partially reaching out to the sky, partially carved into the stone with architecture so intricate it’s hard to believe it was created by a human hand.

"Oh." 

William’s hands are itching to touch it, to see it up close. He can almost smell it when he closes his eyes - fresh food on the local market, merchants shouting trying to sell their goods, little restaurants hidden away from the crowd like precious gems and libraries full of books. _Oh, the books…_

"...built on the cusp of a mountain pass to keep control over the movement of goods and, of course, people. Anyone who wants to cross the border must go through it."

"Oh," 

The vision disperses and William is left with a bitter realisation that they just might go through the city and he won't like it at all. They rest on a hill just outside the forest to consider their next move. A few feet behind them Erasmus is slicing an apple and giving it out to Joshua to the great enjoyment of the latter. William’s heart melts a little at this view. It’s moments like this that make him believe everything can turn out fine for them yet.

"Well, we _could_ try to... uh, blend in." 

Julia’s suggestion is cautious and not at all convincing. 

"Forget it," Erasmus's responds fast. "We're not going through the city and we're not walking down that mountain pass."

"As if there are any other options." Julia looks back at Erasmus who wiggles his eyebrows at her. "Oh, you're not being serious."

"Why not?" He stands up animated and with his hands paints a picture for them in the air. "Think about it! If Inquisition is waiting for us, it's going to be in the city, so let's cross the mountains!" He beams with satisfaction. "And I just _happen_ to know someone who might help us with that."

For a while Erasmus and Julia look at each other, their gazes hold. His arms open wide, expression turning into something more honest, more… true. 

"It’s our best chance.”

Julia nods with a sad smile and William knows the decision has been sealed. His heart skips a beat and his chest is suddenly tight, but he understands. _They've_ known each other since the beginning, _he_ wove himself into their world by accident _Is this why I feel this way?_ He raises one hand and rubs his chest hoping it would make the sensation go away. _Must be… that must be it and that’s okay. It's okay._

They march west of Verdad, Erasmus leads them to a small village located at the foot of the mountains. There is a cottage conveniently (and maybe somewhat suspiciously) positioned at the edge of the village. If the overgrown pathways are anything to go by, it wasn't visited very often. 

“You're still sure about this?" Julia asks fighting with a loose branch at the entrance gate.

"Don’t worry," Erasmus winks at both of them, "she loves me." Then he leans towards the low entrance and places three careful knocks on the door.

" _Go away_ ," comes a muffled response from the inside. 

"Right." He says unaffected, but then adds somewhat awkwardly - "you might want to er, wait outside." He enters before William can say anything and he has a lot to say. Instead he joins Julia and Joshua on the grass and releases a heavy sigh.

“Three… two… one…”

Julia counts expectant and a sudden flurry of noises appear in the cottage - shouts and pottery being broken. William frowns, but just then - the door flings open and Erasmus darts outside. He trips and lands on his palms, just in time for a round object, that could have been a plate, to miss his head by inches. The same couldn't be said about tomatoes that followed, smashing directly on his precious black overcoat. It shouldn’t be funny, but it is and Julia bursts with laughter. 

"Well isn't that a rather... _peculiar_ way of showing affection?" William smirks.

"Shut up."

All previous satisfaction washed off his face and he recoils like a snake in the grass. An older woman with short and messy hair bursts out of the cottage in a heartbeat, towering over him.

"Now, you're showing up _now_? Asking me to take you through the border, for real?” She looks only at Erasmus, not paying any attention to them. “Inquisition is waiting for you here, combing through the surroundings like crazy and anyone and I mean _anyone_ with a shred of common sense would report you without hesitation” She throws her hands up.

William freezes. _That’s why they haven’t come across the Inquisition yet. That’s why it seemed too good to be true... because it was._

“What happened to your self-preservation?”

"I ask myself the same question, trust me." Erasmus grins from his position on the grass. He doesn’t seem surprised nor particularly worried about the situation.

" _And_ your red hair, damn your blood, Nicolas! What were you even thinking!?”

"Er, it's Erasmus now."

He adds quickly and flicks his eyes at William. It lasts only seconds, but it's enough - the priest can see that desperate worry to… to what? _So you have a fake name._ That doesn't surprise him. What does surprise him is that look, which for a fraction of a second is focused solely on _him._ Erasmus’s gaze drops and he grins to himself, turns towards the woman.

"I don’t know what were _you_ expecting. Would you prefer me to show up once I’m dead?” That seemed to pull the right strings, because she crosses her arms and for the first time - smiles.

“Good to know you didn’t lose your sense of humour at least. I should have known gratitude won’t be enough, when-”

“No good deed ever goes unpunished, Bahee.” 

Erasmus cuts in just in time, curls his lips in his usual lopsided smile. William doesn't understand the situation, doesn't know what Erasmus has done for her or maybe _to_ her, but he understands this: they don't have a choice.

"Please good miss, if you can do anything to help…”

William speaks out and the woman snaps her gaze towards him, assessing him from head to toe. He swallows, suddenly self-conscious, but her gaze is already back on Erasmus, one brow raised. The man does his best to avoid hers and for the second time that day William feels he is witnessing some sort of secret conversation or maybe a quiet understanding that's _just_ out of his reach.

"Well I suppose,” she addresses Erasmus again as if the rest of them weren't there, “at least there's _four_ of you rather than the three they're looking for. The priest disguise was a good idea.”

"Miss, this is _not_ a disguise, I _am_ a priest."

"Even better.” She says flatly and William doesn’t know why he expected her to be shocked. It doesn’t even earn him a blink. “You'll go as two priests, possibly monks, and a single mother with a child." It's not a question.

“You have my endless _gratitude_.” Erasmus grins to her, but there is something genuine in it. 

"Fuck off,” comes the response.

William winces, swearing gets to him more than it should, given the circumstances. It was clear from the beginning that Bahee doesn't care about the Inquisition, the church or their rules. _Of course_ she doesn't, she would not have helped them otherwise… There is a sudden, sinking feeling in his stomach at the realisation that these are the kind of people he surrounds himself with. _You are one of them now, against everything that’s holy in this world_ … rings an unpleasant voice in his head But he is here now, he can’t go back, whatever happens… from now on he can’t go back. _They don't have a choice._ Does this make it right?

In the cottage Bahee gives them clothes and William is the only one that doesn't have to change. Julia takes the other room and Erasmus bites his lip nervously.

"What's wrong with you, put it on already."

(Bahee continues to be a lovely presence among them.) William feels hot at the sole idea. _Is he that prudish now?_ He turns towards the door. _Maybe he just needs some fresh air, maybe just..._

"I would hate to give you two any indecent thoughts."

"Nightmares you mean." Bahee points towards Erasmus's plaited hair. "This has to go as well." He purses his lips and William stops.

"Fine.”

A dagger flicks in Erasmus’s hand and a moment later his braid lies between the three of them on the floor. He doesn’t even blink and William doesn’t know what to say, but Bahee does:

"God you're so dramatic. Sit here." 

She points towards a stool and takes out her scissors. In mere minutes she shapes his hair into a neater form - parted in the middle and longer at the front, just barely touching his ears. William thinks it looks _lovely_ , in fact he almost has to stop himself from catching an unruly strand of hair that falls on Erasmus’s eyes.

"Done. Any other requests?" He asks sharply and dusts himself off.

 _He's not bad_ , William thinks _and neither is Bahee. They just make that sort of impression on people. Why do you want to drive everyone away?_

They head out the next day before dawn. William is scared and wonders if anyone else is too. Maybe not, maybe he is the only one. Just like he is the only one having trouble traversing the mountain, last in line and barely keeping up. He prays that they can survive this, that Joshua will survive this. He glances towards Erasmus who looks ridiculous dressed as a priest with his fierce hair peeking out from the hood. It reminds him of the time they went to the Monastery together, so long ago now. _Do you ever look back?_ He wonders.

Chills runs down William’s spine reminding him that autumn is on its way. What if they won’t reach safety before the winter? _If_ they survive _this_. But they have to. _Nothing ever 'has to' be, don't be so entitled._ He sighs. They're already on their way down, when Erasmus raises one hand to stop them. Everyone freezes in place. 

"Guards ahead," he hears Erasmus whisper. "Bahee, go, we'll manage.”

 _Will we?_ William feels his fragile heart thumping in his chest, he is worried that this alone might alert the guards, he holds his breath.

"I’m not leaving you now." Bahee says and William feels relieved, then ashamed. Erasmus is in front of her in an instant, tugging at her collar.

"Get. Lost!" He says through gritted teeth, it's already barely audible. Then he leans even closer almost pressing his nose against hers and whispers: "There are people who need you still, you have to live."

Bahee nods frantically and only then Erasmus lets her go, pushes her away and she runs. William observes this transfixed, he's seen Erasmus like that only once before - when they met and he placed a dagger to William’s throat. His gaze saying _I will stop at nothing to protect those in my care._ A vicious beast. Maybe that's what they need now, maybe that's what they will become in the end. _What would they have been in a better world?_

“Wait here, I’ll let you know when it’s safe.”

There indeed are two shapes sitting at the bottom of their path and there is no way around them. Erasmus sneaks forward, two daggers appear in his hands out of nowhere and William watches despite himself as the blade cuts through the soldier's throat, sees the blood spill on the ground. The second dagger is thrown into the air and lands in the other guard's face. He feels guilty and just as responsible for those deaths as if he held the blade himself. His stomach churns and does something unpredictable.

 _They were innocent, didn't stand a chance_ , William thinks. _But they would kill you all the same_ , another voice responds. _Would you prefer to fight them?_ He doesn't like that voice, it appears more and more often and takes William out of the maze of his thoughts and into the blunt cold logic. Before he can accept what has just happened, Erasmus turns to his side, eyes wide open and picks a sword from the nearest corpse.

"Run!"

He yells and two more guards jump out at him. After that everything is a blur - something small and loud is being pushed into William’s arms, someone tugs at him and he does as he’s been told - he _runs._ Steel clings on steel mere feet from him as he goes past the corpses and spilled blood, past Erasmus and his deadly blade. He tries to calm Joshua, fails.

"There!"

Someone yells and an erratic thump of heavy boots appears behind them, follows them. William’s breathing becomes wheezy. He pants frantically. How long can he run for? How much further before he’s out of breath and his heart gives up? 

"Don't look back."

Julia takes something out of her pocket, uncorks it with her teeth and throws behind them... There's a loud blast and the footsteps subside. _Don't look back, run._ He runs, heart pounding in his chest. His feet never ran so fast before. _Don't look back._ He looks back. Soldiers tower over Erasmus, his left arm limp. He parries their attacks haphazardly, another cut on his thigh and... William's feet just refuse to go any further. 

“Julia!”

He yells louder than he wanted and she stops. How can he run away? Leave Erasmus behind? Even if they have a mission, what good is it, if they all lose themselves in the process? 

"I won’t…” he stutters, “I can't…" 

In the distance Erasmus falls to the ground, sword raised above him… Julia drops to her knees, buries her palms into the ground underneath.“ _Anemoi!_ ” She shouts and a sudden gust of wind lifts from her hands, rushes towards the soldiers. William looks over, blood rushing in his head so fast he thinks he might faint. The gale knocks the soldiers off their feet and crashes them against the solid rock like spineless puppets. William winces at the sound of bones snapping, at the lives lost. He should pray for them, he can’t find the words.

Julia reaches Erasmus first, leans him against a tree. They’re whispering and it looks so intimate William is afraid to move any closer. Joshua wriggles from William's grip and runs towards Erasmus, who messes his hair playfully. _They look like a family_ , he thinks. 

"...shouldn't, ugh, have done it, aaaarghh!" Erasmus rasps, Joshua squeezes his hand.

There’s a cut on Erasmus’s arm and on his thigh. Blood is seeping through his clothes just below the collarbone. Julia rips the fabric and puts her hands on his wound. The bleeding stops and slowly, but surely the wound closes, leaving a half-healed scar. All the while William can’t even stop trembling. His legs are heavy as lead and his face is wet. When did he start crying? He can't remember.  
_You would have left him behind_ , the unpleasant voice rings in his head. He didn't! He stopped. _Then why do you feel like a monster?_ He is what he needs to be to survive, they all are...

"You could have miracled a painkiller with it." Erasmus says through gritted teeth, but his features relax quickly. The worst of the pain is gone.

"I could have,” she attempts a joke, places one hand on his fevered face, but Erasmus's eyes are dark and stormy. This is _not_ a joking matter.

“Why did you come back for me?” He hisses, pressing Joshua to his chest with his right arm. _Like his most precious treasure_ , William thinks.

“What?”

"Your spell! It must have alerted everyone within a hundred mile radius. Do you think Inquisition didn't bring a Seer with them?” Erasmus is relentless. _It’s my fault,_ William thinks and frantically searches his mind for any shred of information that could be of help now.

"We need a diversion!"

He blurts out reaching the heights of his military knowledge (that he read in a book no doubt), not quite sure what he's suggesting and with no idea what a Seer is. They look back at him as if remembering only now that he’s even there.

“Nothing short of an uprising would stop Inquisitors in the city now. They expected us, that's why they put up the guards here. If there is anyone…"

“Ah!”

Julia stops healing Erasmus’s thigh mid-way and steps back. She is fully focused now, cut off from the world around her with joined hands and closed eyes. There is a faint breeze about her. William is still shaking, but now Julia moves away (and Joshua curls on the side), he can take her place in front of Erasmus and is just about to inspect the remaining wounds, when the man extends his arm and puts a hand on his shoulder. His gaze is reaching deep into William's very core.

"And _you_ , you should have been running…" William braced himself for a scolding ( _it's my fault_ ), instead Erasmus's soft tone soothes him and he relaxes. “I, ah- I should be able to…" he swallows "your wound…”

Erasmus nods and lets William work his small miracles. Meticulously he cleans the cuts - they're not deep now, maybe Julia's magic healed them somewhat already. Carefully he mixes bread with spider web and applies it to the wound, secures it with a piece of fabric torn away from his own clothes and prays that this will be enough (praying for that comes easier). He holds the makeshift bandage in place and feels Erasmus’s pulse under his palm. All of a sudden he realises they’ve never been so close before. He’s never been so close to another person for _ages_ , not since the seminary. 

"Just look at her. She picks the best moments to put on a show..." He says faking nonchalance.

William blinks, jolted from the focus of his task. “Oh.”

Julia looks like she's in some sort of a trance. All of this is very bizarre - dead Inquisition soldiers lying a few steps away, Erasmus covered in blood (but so _close_ ) and Julia speaking with a menacing voice “ _If you can hear me… respond, please..._ ”

"Is she- is she okay?" He says startled, William has never seen the extent of Julia’s power, never knew what she is truly capable of.

"Yeah, she's done it before. Only not in uh, such poor state.”

Right on cue Julia starts bleeding from her nose and falls to her palms, wide eyed and panting.

“Done,” she manages to utter between wheezes, wiping blood off her nose. “But I can’t heal you now and we have to go...”

"What have you done?" William asks bewildered.

*

In the city of Verdad a woman hears a calling that comes directly into her mind. _If you can hear me…_ She stops mid-way, a book falling out of her hands. For a while she stands motionless like a rock, like a statue, preserved in the moment. Then she removes a plank in her bedroom floor and takes out a few vials, draws a circle around herself. 

The city is full of Inquisitors, there have been rumours that the Warlock is heading this way and well, this is why she’s here too. This is why she decided to come. If she as much as summons a teacup to her hand, Inquisition would be all over the place in a flash. She smiles imagining what their reaction would be if she summons _something bigger._

It's going to be difficult, but she can put all of her energy into this, she won't need it anymore.


	4. That stormy night (s01 ep04)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"If you’re born with affinity for manipulating the energy, what are you supposed to do?"_  
>  William adds it to his list of questions to which he doesn't have an answer. He's surprised there are so many.  
>  _"If you have to clip yourself to fit in, that's just rejection by another name."_ \- Erasmus's answer comes sharp and cuts deep.
> 
> *
> 
> Many questions are asked, some are answered.  
> And there is a cottage with only two beds! (for four people)

Episode 4

They move slower than before and maybe quieter as well. Julia doesn't speak much and mostly keeps to herself after her trance, but whatever she did must have worked - there is no sign of the Inquisition anywhere.

"Is she going to be okay?" 

William asks as they walk. He supports Erasmus under his arm, helps to take some of the weight from his injured leg. It binds the two of them together for most of the day. The closeness is brand new and it takes William a while to get used to it. Quickly a game of sorts develops between them - Erasmus pretends to allow William to help, despite not needing it and William plays along. If that's what it takes to save Erasmus from feeling like a burden, William is happy to provide it.

"I don't know." Erasmus answers almost directly into William's ear. "How many of your friends must die, for you to not be okay anymore?" He doesn’t respond, doesn’t know what to say. "Our experiences change us, angel. It's inevitable." 

Walking like this is exhausting, breaks are few and far in between and food is even more scarce now that Erasmus cannot hunt. It's tough, but at least they're together and William is _needed_. Even with his limited skills, he is good enough for something, he is _useful._ Erasmus spends his newfound free time with Joshua (the boy took particular liking to Erasmus who is never too tired of his mischief and comes up with the most creative games, considering he can't even walk freely), while William collects dry wood, forages in the forest, brings fresh water and wonders if Erasmus feels guilty to have survived.

It has just stopped raining and William brings back a whole bag of mushrooms to the cave they've occupied for the night. There's boletus, honey fungus and William's favourite - chanterelles.

“Look what I’ve found.” His face glows while Erasmus looks at his find with suspicion.

“Mushrooms. They could be poisonous.” Erasmus's flat tone doesn’t spoil William’s good mood, not many things could now.

“No, no, I know which ones are, _my dear._ ” 

It slips up and William stands there mortified at the words that left his lips. His mind a cacophony of many voices, none of which can get a clear message through. Erasmus looks up at him with a blank expression and absolutely no recognition that he said anything out of the ordinary.

“Alright, angel.” 

He says plainly, takes the bag from him and William can breathe again. _My dear_ , this is how he used to refer to people in the... well, seminary, so long ago now. He's just tired, he tells himself, and his mind is playing tricks on him. A few more days and they should reach their destination. William doesn’t know what it is precisely, but he’d been told there will be a _bed_ and that's a luxury they have not dared to dream of for weeks. He'll have a good night's sleep and won't have Erasmus weighing on his shoulder anymore… so why does he feel conflicted about it?

"Seer is an energy sensitive.” Erasmus explains to William one day as they settle for the night in a cave. “Not enough to become a sorcerer or a warlock, but someone who can use the astral sight and who will feel if a power was used. Once Inquisitors started using them, hunting sorcerers has become… easy."

"Inquisitors use magic?" William winces "but that's-"

"Hypocrisy? Quite. You look surprised, angel." 

Erasmus smirks and leans back with hands behind his head like he knows he's onto something here. Challenging William's faith and waiting for him to explain it to him, explain it to himself. Yes, William is surprised and why wouldn't he be? Because he believed their words? He purses his lips. But Erasmus is right about one thing - he _should have_ paid more attention to the church's actions. Beforehand he would not even believe in Erasmus's words, but running from Inquisition and hiding in caves with a sorcerer and a fighter changes your perspective. 

The fire flickers on their faces, bounces off the walls. Julia is curled in a ball around Joshua, both asleep. Outside it's dark, but the moon is big, pale and cold, first stars appear in the sky.

“Look” 

Erasmus points outside, accepting that William might not answer this time. He never pushes for answers, merely asks, plants the thoughts for later discussions. There's nothing of church's zealous urgency in it. 

“This group of stars is called _Angel.”_

William follows his hand, looks up “No, it’s not. That’s a winged horse.”

“Nothing can remain hidden from you.” He smiles like he means more through that answer, like he wants to say _you're smart, you can figure it out._ Can I? William is not so sure.

“Have you heard this theory of some Eastern astronomer, that we're not in the centre of the world?"

“I have read about it, he makes some very good points…”

“Is that a blasphemy from your lips that I hear?” Erasmus grins and William pouts at this intrusion.

"...maybe that's all in accordance with God's plan." William latches onto, what he thinks is a perfectly solid explanation.

"You think?" 

Erasmus looks intrigued, considers it for a while. William considers it too. What would it really mean if indeed the Earth wasn't in the centre of the world? What would it say about God, about them? That they are only God's side project? A small element in the grand scheme of things? Perhaps only a... side-effect? _That's_ why the church wants to silence those ideas, stop them from making assumptions, cultivating doubts. How terrifying would it be for people to find their own paths? Their own meaning in life? No one to tell them what to do… William is terrified.

"Truth be told, the astronomer is lucky to be dead already," Erasmus speaks suddenly "church would have…"

"Excommunicated him.” William offers and then immediately catches Erasmus's disappointed look. _Is that really the worst thing you can think of?_

"I was going for burnt at the stake."

"Oh." William shivers at the thought alone, but he heard the rumours. He had rather hoped they were just that - rumours.

"Riddle me this priest," Erasmus changes the direction of their discussion. "If you’re born with affinity for manipulating the energy, what are you supposed to do?"

William adds it to his list of questions to which he doesn't have an answer. He's surprised there are so many, he swallows. "Suppress it? I suppose..."

"If you have to clip yourself to fit in, that's just _rejection_ by another name." - Erasmus's answer comes sharp and cuts deep. It feels personal somehow, even though William can't exactly pinpoint why. Church's laws are firm and he was expected to fit in, he didn't think there was anything unusual about it. If you want to be accepted, you have to be wise about the parts of yourself you reveal or better yet... _remove._ It sparks a question in William's mind, something he always wanted to ask, ever since their first meeting. He fiddles with the belt of his robe, now is as good a time as any.

"Do you… do you believe? In God, I mean…"

"I used to." Erasmus's gaze changes, there's something new about it, maybe sadness as he drifts off to his memories, his past.

"You… you have?" William's interest peaks and Erasmus smirks.

"Why so surprised, angel? 

"Well you don't exactly seem to be the… following type."

William bites his lip, considering his next words. Wondering if he's allowed to ask, if Erasmus would take his guard down today or at all, for him. _Do I know you enough now?_

"W- What happened?" He stutters only a little, but it turns out he needn't have to worry. Erasmus's short answer comes quickly and William pauses.

" _Blight."_

 _Of course_ \- the _plague_ , about which William rather conveniently decided to forget about. He never had to bother himself with the thought of it, it never reached Neath and for some reason William chose to believe it never would. And even now - going north they are moving further and further away from it. And then he remembers who is blamed for its beginning, just as Erasmus starts to speak.

"It is convenient from the political point of view, really Maybe they were too powerful, maybe they simply needed to disappear, but one thing is certain, someone only needed to point a finger. People don't need much encouragement to blame each other." He says calmly, too calmly for William to be comfortable and then adds more bitterly " _To every one who has, more shall be given, and he shall have abundance; but from him who has not, even that which he has shall be taken away."_

William recognises the words, he studied the Holy Books for his whole life, he is surprised that Erasmus knows it by heart as well. And then something else comes to his mind, a new realisation.

"You believed in it, didn't you? In the blame…" Erasmus doesn't respond, doesn't look at William either. "It's not your fault."

"Whose fault is it then?"  
William doesn't know. He's not very good at keeping the blame at bay for himself. 

"If you can still believe after seeing all that, angel, then good for you."  
There's some amount of sadness and maybe even envy in Erasmus's words, after which they both fall silent again. Only the cracking of fire and the ominous moon watching over them remains. 

*

"Aww, how lovely"

It's a _cottage_. William doesn't know what he expected to find at the end of their journey, but it certainly wasn't that. How are they supposed to fight the Inquisition in _this?_

"How is that…” he starts and then reflects on his words, “I mean.."

“The cottage is within a protective bubble, as long as we stay inside it, nothing or no one can harm us. No one can find us and-” Julia runs her hand over Erasmus's lap, before he can react. William winces. "...no one can sense if I'm using my power."  
Erasmus gives her a reproachful look, but immediately lets go of William and taps his new healed leg on the ground. Cautiously at first, then more freely. He taps Joshua’s shoulder and they’re chasing each other around the cottage.

“How big is the protective, um…”

“Just a couple meters around, but it’s enough. Naturally we’ll have to go out to acquire food and water, maybe travel to the nearest village once in a while, but the rest of the time…" she smiles and enters the cottage. They follow her inside.

There are two rooms downstairs - a kitchen and what looks like a dining room with a long timber bench and a table. Steep staircase leads upstairs where there are… two bedrooms. William checks it twice - there are only _two_ bedrooms. Whomever organised this cottage did not expect so many of them, did not expect William for sure. At this point his pulse is rushing wildly and he almost offers to sleep on the bench, when Julia speaks:

"Well I suppose I'll take the one with the smaller bed, we can put a cot next to it and you two can share the bigger bed."

William's heart actually stops in his chest. _Share?_ With _Erasmus?_ He swallows, looks Erasmus in the eyes, afraid of what he might find there, hoping his own worry doesn't spill too much.

"I wouldn't share a dead cat with him." Erasmus speaks first, smirks and William can't help, but smile back.

“Too afraid my radiant goodness will strike you?”

He snaps his fingers “That’s it, I couldn’t have said it better myself."

They laugh. Julia rolls her eyes and shuts the bedroom doors behind her, while they linger on downstairs. It's not like William never shared a bed with anyone before. It's just that his life was so solitary up to this point that being so close to another being rather frightens him. He is good at making _other people's_ lives better, good at helping. From a safe distance.

Instead, he distracts himself with his work - spreads his books and notes all over the table. There wasn’t much he shared with Erasmus and Julia so far, mostly because he checks everything twice, three times even. He can’t allow himself to make a mistake, the translation has to be precise, perfect. In many places there are just too many possibilities. William catches Erasmus’s gaze just as he looks away. He never pushed him for results, even though there should have been some already. Maybe a second pair of eyes could help him decipher the book…? William points to a certain phrase in his notes.

“Er, there's a mention about Warlock’s first use of power, this word here…" he picks up a dictionary and Erasmus raises his head eagerly "Typically it means… _important_ but I think in this context it would be... _defining_ , what’s your take on it?"

Erasmus blinks at the book then looks up at William and moves away. “I can’t… read, angel.” 

_Oh_ , William did not expect it. Neither the statement nor that inflection in his voice - there is something vulnerable about it. He didn't think there is anything Erasmus couldn't do and even less that he would admit to it, admit it to him. “Oh, that’s quite alright.” William tries to keep the tone of his voice light “I can teach you.”

“Would you?” Erasmus almost smiles. “I mean,” the man reflects on himself and puts his smug smile back on. “Julia would never stop mocking me if she found out.”

“Naturally, I won’t mention it to her.” William winks, although he realises it must look ridiculous when he does it. Our little secret, it says. 

“Tomorrow then?” Erasmus stands up and Williams nods “Alright, I guess I'll see you upstairs? Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

William stays up longer, trying to work. When the time comes when he can't possibly delay it any longer, he heads upstairs and he sees Erasmus… sleeping on the bedroll beside the bed. Did he notice William’s nervousness after all? It terrifies him a bit, embarrasses more. Erasmus shouldn’t be paying for his own... emotional instability. No, this cannot be. William gently picks him up, feels the heat of his body, the softness of his hair. Suddenly he remembers, memories flooding him stronger than he would have liked - Erasmus reminds him of a friend he had in the seminary. Also quick witted with bright red hair, a few years older. His name was Richard and William liked him very much. Too much perhaps.  
He lowers Erasmus on the bed and tucks him in. Then raises one hand to feel his hair again, stops mid-air, fingers curling on themselves.

With a sigh he goes back to the bedroll and _then_ he hears the rain outside. It doesn’t just rain, it _pours_. A single thunder seems to echo forever and William pulls his cover over his head, fighting the trembling of his limbs. He was afraid of thunderstorms since he was a child, they reminded him of God’s wrath, of Sodom and Gomorrah, of the floods of Noah's ark. He's drowning with all the people that didn't make it. Another thunder makes William’s heart jump. How can Erasmus sleep not bothered in the slightest by these sounds? Just like… just like Richard. 

Unlocked, memories crawl their way out of his subconscious, pour down his mind like raindrops on the glass. In the seminary he would curl in bed under the covers and shiver all night through it. Until that one time, when there was no one else in their dormitory but him, Richard and the storm. 

"Afraid of the thunder, are you?" He asked and William nodded frantically. "I don't like them either," he said and let him crawl onto his bed. It was easier to battle it together, the warmth of his body like a promise that everything will be alright. 

They tried to fall asleep on the small bed all those years ago. Richard's eyes were closed, William swallowed, his heart thudding wildly in his chest. He remembers coming up with all the possible explanations to himself, to God, but the truth was he couldn't… he just had to… just once… 

He kissed Richard. 

It wasn’t much, just a brush of lips, but there was no reciprocation and when he opened his eyes William was terrified. More than of the thunder. He wanted to run, but he lost control over his legs completely.

"Will," Richard said and it sounded almost regretful, like an apology. William scanned his tone for any sign of weapon that would cut him open any minute now. "It's not allowed for people like us."

 _People like us, like… like what?_ He wanted to ask, but didn’t dare. Didn’t dare to do anything at all. And that was it, that's the end of it. The rain eventually stopped and William went back to his own bed with his own thoughts.

The next day, Richard was gone from the seminary and William never saw him again. He tried to explain it to himself in many ways, but all somehow ended up with it being his fault and God's wrath punishing him for what he dared to do. He resolved to never overstep His laws ever again.

But... he did, didn't he? When he decided to leave his church behind and protect the child. Or did he? It's the Inquisition he defied strictly speaking, not God. He wipes the tears from his face and turns away from the storm. There’s a prayer and a plea to God to keep Erasmus, Joshua and Julia safe. 

In that order.


	5. The First Use of Power (s01 ep05)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite everything William doesn't stop praying, leaving the difficult questions to figure out on another day. _I will get back to it, I will_ , he makes promises to himself. The ones that are the easiest to break.
> 
> *
> 
> They cottage offers protection from the outer world, but what about the worlds that stir within us?
> 
> (Last episode this season & first scene from the Slow Show)  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for major injuries, blood and mild panic attack

Episode 5

The days spent in the cottage might be the happiest time in William's life so far. Never before he's been filled with such serenity and a sense of purpose. The plan, as it turns out, is to stay here for as long as possible and raise Joshua together. Like a family William never thought he would have and for the first time in weeks he's hopeful for the future.

Erasmus addresses their sleeping issue eventually, because of course he does to William's dismay, but it takes an unexpected turn.

"I understand, you're a priest," Erasmus says, "and as much as I'd like to claim the bed for myself, I think we should at least take turns." 

" _Take turns,"_

William repeats, tests the words in his mouth. Out of all the possible outcomes this one hardly is the worst one. Erasmus gives him space, doesn't press, doesn't ask questions. _It's fine, it's fine_ \- William repeats to make it real. They take turns and it's fine.

When the next day William walks downstairs to the dining room, Julia is sitting by the table drinking tea, Joshua by her side and a pleasant smell of herbs fills the room with warmth. Erasmus is nowhere to be seen. 

“Had a good night's sleep?” Julia asks, corners of her mouth curling meaningfully and his stomach coils a little.

“Um, yes, thank you...” William says truthfully, not sure where this is going.

“Slept on the floor have you?” She presses on and his stomach curls. _Erasmus, what did you tell her?_ His cheeks flush red and he's only making it worse, but he can't lie, he's a priest. He might occasionally dance around the truth, but... “Well, I…”

“Erasmus said he must have kicked you out of the bed, accidentally.”

“Oh" William finally understands "Oh, yes." He accepts the offered explanation a bit too eagerly and it earns him a raised brow. "I mean that um, that must have been it… That serpent." He frowns faking his displeasure, while what he really thinks is you _cheeky bugger._

Despite everything he doesn't stop praying, leaving the difficult questions to figure on another day. _I will get back to it, I will_ , he makes promises to himself. The ones that are the easiest to break.

Julia teaches young Joshua magic, so he is ready, when the power awakens in him.

“He’s quite old for that now to be honest, it makes me worry. I, at his age-”

“But he’s not you! Stop putting pressure on the boy.” Erasmus cuts her off. "He might never become a warlock and it's fine. We're here to protect him, not choose his path in life." Erasmus challenges her gaze, they hold for a while after which Julia relents.

"Yes, yes. You're right," she says but it doesn't sound convincing. They never discuss this again, not while William is present at least.

“What if he's not, um exactly… you know." William doesn't want to sound like he's _doubting_ , but he realised he's never asked the question before. It takes Julia a second, but she gets it.

"What if he's not the Great Warlock you mean?"

William nods, Secretly he would even prefer that. 

"The Covenant, or rather whatever was left of it, joined powers to amplify their seeing ability, looking for… a spark on the astral plane. It's like… scanning surroundings for distinctive features, something that stands out… Like… like a shooting star - shines brightly in the sky then disappears. You blink and it's gone." Just as our lives, William thinks grimly. "That's how we knew where to look."

"Inadvertently leading Inquisition straight to the boy." Erasmus concludes and Julia sends him a look that could kill.

"He's safe now, it's all that matters." William points out, trying to ease the tension. He's useless in quarrels. 

"I never asked you how you got this-" he points towards Erasmus's scar in an attempt to change the topic and almost brushes his forehead. William might never forget the image of Erasmus entering his church for the first time, clothes stained with blood dripping from the wound on his temple. Unexpectedly Erasmus turns red and Julia starts to laugh, which completely disorients William, but at least the mood is lighter now.

"Go on, tell him," Julia elbows Erasmus slightly.

"Scar of honour." He says and Julia burst with laughter again.

"Yeah, right. He... tripped..." Julia manages, chuffing like a locomotive, she's barely keeping it together at this point. "...over an exposed root, fell flat on his face and cut his forehead!" 

Tears are rolling down her cheeks and she has to steady herself on the table. Julia keeps talking, while Erasmus leans on the table with one hand and rolls his eyes. Their gazes catch and it feels intimate somehow as if time stopped just for them. William smiles and there's a smile back, even as Julia continues her historical laughter.

"...face-planted on the ground!"

Late at night, William teaches Erasmus to read. He tries to be focused, but the closeness is distracting and he doesn’t know if the accidental brush of Erasmus's hand is intentional or if he's imagining it. But in the end it doesn’t matter. 

William devotes most of his free time to translating the book they _borrowed_ from the Monastery. Sometimes he gets so utterly absorbed by the task he finds himself deeply surprised when he raises his head to see the crude stone of the cottage, red-head man moving about or hears laughter of a child. The prophecies themselves are rather cryptic and even after translations William isn’t exactly clear on what they might refer to. The number three plays a big role for sure - _the three pillars of the new world will exalt the beacon for the whole world to see._

The signs are also described and it's hard to deny that the plague isn't one of them: _The time will come when death appears from all parts of the earth to bury the Old World and a New Temple shall be built amidst its ashes._

The boy's not the reason why plague is here, that much is apparent to William, but people who can't read for themselves… they have to put trust in someone, or something to interpret it for them. Something like… the _church._ It's way too easy to misguide people kept in the dark, he notes with regret.

One thing is irrefutable though - _the Great Warlock shall arise to lead many into the light._

Julia seems to be back to her usual self, although her demons don't let go of her that easily and one day William walks into the cottage to see her slumped on the floor, face covered with her hands and in Erasmus's embrace. They're whispering, although William can't make out the words. Something stirs within him at this sight and he bolts back outside as if the room itself was on fire. 

_Why did you do that? What's wrong with you?_ A harsh voice echoes in his head. When did it appear for the first time? William doesn't remember, although it feels like he should, he should. _To give them privacy?_ He pleads with it between heavy breaths. _You know that's not true_. He knows and it frightens him, but it's too late his thoughts already spiraling out of control. He thinks how his translation is not worth anything and that maybe he should have never embarked on this journey. Even the cottage has only two bedrooms. _Oh my God, what if I made the wrong choice?_

When sometime after Erasmus emerges from the cottage, he finds William sitting on the ground with head buried in his arms.

"Alright, angel?"

What is he supposed to say? He plasters back a smile on his face and meets Erasmus's gaze.

"Yeah. Just- just needed some air, that's all. Is Julia…?"

"She'll be fine." Erasmus puts a hand on William's arm and squeezes it. It's warm and gentler than he expected.

"I'm glad you're here with us."

Erasmus says and his smile is genuine - not a smirk nor a sneer. It's the same man who spoke to him in the darkness of his bedroom in the church. It stops his racing thoughts and William can breath again. At least someone thinks that he belongs, even if he himself cannot accept it.

Seasons change from winter to spring and before William knows it, it becomes unimaginable to think that Joshua is not a perfectly ordinary child. Increasingly bold thoughts creep into his mind that maybe, just maybe they will stay in the cottage forever. William would like that, he would like that very much. 

Erasmus's hair grows longer - it's touching his shoulders now and he ties the top part of it in a bun, leaving the rest to flow freely on his back. William catches himself staring and hurriedly looks away. To his side Julia teaches Joshua to write, while Erasmus distracts the boy with comic faces. Joshua laughs and William decides that maybe it's okay to feel this way, to just… accept it for what it is, whatever that is. It's okay from a distance. As long as it's self-contained, it's okay.

"Honestly Erasmus, have you nothing useful to do? Go away." 

"Why must Erasmus go away?" Joshua asks in the voice of an innocent child that he indeed is. 

_Why_ is his new favourite word, closely followed by _who, what, when, where and how_. It's virtually all he says, making Julia furious and Erasmus laugh. - why can't I stay as late as you? Why do I have to learn magic? Why is the sky blue? Where does the sun go when it sleeps?

And then one day, "can I go to the village with you?" 

The boy looks between their terrified eyes, looking for approval and it ties a knot in William's stomach. Julia opens her mouth to utter a refusal, when Erasmus says, "sure you can." 

The boy visibly brightens up, jumps up at the man, who picks him up and joyfully swings him around. "Really?" He clutches onto Erasmus like he's afraid the promise will be taken back if he lets go. If he turned around to see the expression on Julia’s face, he would know he wasn’t far from the truth.

"Have you lost your mind completely?"

"Yeah," he says nonchalantly "quite possibly."

"Do you know how dangerous it is?" Her exasperated tone of voice suggests she won’t let go of the issue easily. William just wants to crawl under the floorboards.

"We can't keep him locked here forever." Erasmus’s voice shifts as well, flames up with a fierce conviction and William knows convincing him now is no small feat.

"Ughh, but maybe until he can control his power?" She pleads, but Erasmus is inexorable. "Until it manifests, at least?"

"And if that never happens?"

"I'll go with," 

William speaks suddenly and they both stare at him in that distinctive way, like they only remembered about his existence now. He got used to it. It’s his own fault really for rarely participating in their discussions. They're too heated for him, too fast paced, which makes his own conversations with Erasmus stand out even more - like he is an entirely different person then. How many people hide within you? William wonders.

"Unbelievable," 

Julia says in a tone that confirms her surrender. William lowers his gaze to avoid her scolding, but not before he notices the slightest smile on Erasmus's face. 

They take Joshua to the village with them.

As always Erasmus sells herbs and medicines, (with William's theoretical and Erasmus's practical knowledge they craft healing drinks and creams). Villagers ask Erasmus about his wife, as always and he winces a little, but says Julis is alright. People are almost as excited to see Joshua as Joshua is excited to see them and William is glad they managed to win this little piece of normality in his otherwise abnormal life. The boy is amazed by every single new thing he sees and Erasmus has to remind him to not let go of his hand at any point. 

They hear some worrisome news too - having ravished the south, plague is moving further north. It's only a matter of time before it reaches them and what's worse - where the plague goes, Inquisition follows. William's heart skips a bit, but then he remembers - they have their cottage, the safe haven where no one can harm them. He doesn't have to be afraid of anything ever again.

Julia turns out to be wrong too - absolutely nothing happens during their trip to the town. On their way back Erasmus carries sleeping Joshua is his arms and William's heart melts at the quiet concern and devotion. The way Erasmus fought to grant the boy’s wish was admirable. As far as William can remember no one cared for him that way, but he can’t really complain - his relationship with parents was okay. They wanted him to become a respected member of the community once he grows up. Unlike his sister, very much unlike her indeed. _I hope she is happy, wherever she is now._

All of a sudden there is an odd rustle to his side. It takes William one look at Erasmus’s face and he knows. They're in trouble. _Inquisition_ \- is William's immediate thought, his breath hitching. An icy feeling appears in his stomach and spills to all of his limbs. Whether it’s the villagers who turned them in or something else, it doesn’t matter. It is over. 

It was never going to last forever, but he let himself believe that it can. The realisation cuts into him and he is even more helpless in the face of danger than usual. When William raises his eyes again to look at Erasmus he’s already transformed into that wild animal focused only on survival, his moves careful and intent. 

There’s a firm grip on William’s forearm and a whisper to his ear, one word - “ _Run.”_

They run again like they are trying to outrun their destiny itself. Maybe they are - William with heart pounding in his chest, so hard it aches and Erasmus pressing Joshua against his chest. He might be crying, William isn't sure. 

Something doesn’t feel right.

The noise, the ground beneath pounded with great force, the… roar? When William finally turns his head around, it is not an Inquisition that he sees, it's something far worse. But he can already see the cottage in front of them and in just several steps they will be within the protective dome, safe from all the danger of this world.

There is no reason to look back now, none at all, but he does look back and it is as if the time has slowed down for him - he can see the creature mid-jump behind Erasmus, feels the hope being sucked out of his stomach followed by the utter clarity of what he has to do.

He hits Erasmus with his shoulder and out of the way. This is when sharp claws dig into his own flesh, sending spasms of pain through his body. He can appreciate the creature now with all its might - red fur riddled with black stripes, long claws, fangs sharp and eager.

"T- tiger… here?" William stutters as if pointing out the ridiculousness of this situation could make the creature disappear. He tries to wrestle with it, in vain. Somewhere he hears Erasmus stand up and run, among frustrated shout and pleas of a little boy. _Oh good_ , William thinks through the pain, _they're safe, they're safe…_

" _Arghh,"_ new wave of pain runs through William’s body and he whimpers. He tries not to look, not to think of the death itself breathing down at him. Why is there so much blood? Is it mine? Pain reaches him with delay, overpowers him. Thoughts change into ragged scraps of consciousness ( _so much blood_ ), soon to be put out.

"Joshua, no!"

With blurred vision he sees Joshua wiggling out of Erasmus's embrace and running towards him, Erasmus a step behind him. _Oh no… please don’t. Is this it? That's how all of it ends?_ The boy must have tripped, because he's lying on the ground now, crying even louder. There's a roar and the tiger's snout is at his throat now, fangs bare. _This is it_ , William thinks and closes his eyes. _Please… watch over them._

There is no blow, just a high-pitched relentless cry that plasters itself at the back of William’s skull, just as the wind picks up. When he finally dares to open his eyes again he sees the creature… _floating_ above him, just as disoriented as William himself. With hazy sight he notices Joshua is mid-air too, crying his lungs out in a desperate attempt to make his dissent known.

“That… that’s not possible…” he huffs out. _Of course it is, it’s Him. He is the Great Warlock._

The tiger is cowering and shrieking desperately, but Joshua's cry is relentless, growing stronger until the creature…. _bursts_ into million pieces, staining the ground around them with fresh blood. William knows a great portion of the blood is his.

“Thank God,” he mutters and drops his head heavily to the ground.

"...hear me? Please, angel…" 

The voice sounds like it comes from far away. William doesn't know how long he's been lying here, it might have been forever. He is so tired now, he wants nothing else but to sleep, but the plea seems important somehow. He opens his eyes to see red head man kneeling by his side, hair mingled and in disarray. 

“No, no, no-” 

Erasmus repeats frantically, his fingers tracing William’s chest and stomach. He swallows down the hiss of pain. _It’s fine, I’m alright_ , he wants to ensure Erasmus, but words die in his throat. Their eyes meet telling each other what their lips cannot.

“Hey, keep your eyes open, yeah?” 

Erasmus’s voice is shaky, William never saw him like that before, now he never will again. But there is one last thing he wants to do.

“Your hand - don’t move it.” 

He whispers and lets his own hand drop over Erasmus’s. “Just _there_. It’s - warm. You’re warm.” Somehow he’s not cold anymore, not tired. Something wet falls on William’s fevered face, _when did it start to rain?_

“Hang on, all right?" Erasmus licks his lips. "Don’t - I can’t-” 

_Don't,_ William repeats in his head. _Don't what?_ He knows it was important somehow, he intended to keep that promise. When a moment later his eyelids shut under its own weight there's only one thought in his mind and it makes him smile.

“Just _there.”_

After this only darkness. 

End of season 1!

**** roll up credits ***  
[ [Ólafur Arnalds - For Now I am Winter] ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cOr7JmcOas)  


[art by @smolghostings ](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/smolghostings)  
created for this fic 


	6. The dream shatters (s02 ep01)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _All of my life I have waited to be saved, he realises. It’s time for me to be the hero of my own story._
> 
> Everyone will have to face the reality of losing their safe heaven and learn to accept it.  
> But at least they are not alone.
> 
> (Includes a scene from the Slow Show)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry for the wait and thank you for being so patient:)  
> You might have noticed that Slow Show does not reference any scenes from Warlock season 2, so I decided to merge season 2 & 3 together! This means there will be a lot of familiar scenes appearing in the next few chapters:D
> 
> Also recently I've been thinking that most of my favourite shows introduce a song that rolls during credits, so....I decided to do the same! Each song will of course somehow refer to the plot in their lyrics. I always liked when different arts intertwined with one another, so hope you find it enjoyable too:)
> 
> Thank you for reading !

Season 2

Episode 1

Joan is standing on the battlements of the Calden Keep - the Inquisition's main residence. Exerting all of her senses to the limits, trying to feel something, anything. She was one of several Seers tasked with the impossible - locating the Great Warlock and just like everyone else she was at loss. 

She runs her hand through her short dark hair and straightening folds of her plain black dress - short and humble to atone for the shameful dark gift she was born with. Sometimes she wondered what would happen to her if not for the Inquisition, who taught her how to repress her urges, until it became a habit. After years of practice, she was saved, she will never be anything more than a Seer. In the service of God. Regardless, patience of the Grand Inquisitor is at its end and soon she might feel God’s wrath again for being a failure.

She closes her eyes and listens. It hits her then with all the strength like a slap to the face, washes over her like a wave and just like that, it is gone. All at once Joan knows exactly where the Great Warlock is.

*

_Angel, please don't…_

William opens his eyes, sees dark sky and shapes rushing in the background. Red and orange leaves fall to the ground beside him, it's cold, so cold.

_Why's he so hot? I thought you healed him!_

Darkness again. There’s a cloth cooling his fiery forehead and a crackling fire. He's standing on a winter desert, whispering to God: _save them, save them._ Suddenly it's raining when did it start to rain? Mercenaries that plundered his church are here, mocking him. _That’s just rejection by another name_ , Erasmus whispers into his ear, _priessst?_ There is something in the darkness looking at him with glowing eyes. A tiger. No, an Inquisitor.

_Just there_ , a warm hand in his.

Floating ends just as quickly as it began and gravity abruptly pulls him hard to the crude wooden bed beneath, ripples of pain still fresh in his memory. William would much rather return to floating, but it's too late, the sleep is gone from under his eyelids. With no small trouble he wills his eyes to open. The surroundings look like their cottage. No, not the cottage, he realises when his view comes into focus, but it is a house. Heavy breath escapes his mouth and lingers on in the room for a while, but the furry coats weighing on him block the cold rather well. There is still something warm around his hand.

_Just there._

Memories flood him in waves as he remembers with raising panic the moment of weakness, his emotions spilling out in the open. There is a lump in his throat as he realises… _it's not self-contained anymore, it's not_ … but he thought he was _dying_ … and perhaps he only very narrowly survived?

That's no excuse. 

The box has been opened and its demons unleashed - he's had a taste and he will always want more. Except he can't, he can't… how can he trust himself not to reach for it ever again? He yanks his hand out quickly, horrified, and immediately embarrassed at the abruptness of his move. 

If Erasmus notices it, he doesn't show it, rubbing his eyes to chase away the remnants of his own sleep. There are bags under his eyes like ghosts of sleepless nights Erasmus must have spent here. But his expression is that of a genuine relief mingled with barely visible traces of guilt. 

For a while William expects Erasmus to scold him for throwing his life away like that, but he knows - he did the right thing protecting the child. It's the rest of them that are expendable. 

_Oh, the boy!_

He wants to speak, but words die in his throat, it must have been a long time since he last used it. Shifting his body sends an agonizing pain down his chest. 

"Ngk-" a strangled sound escapes his lungs, his throat coarse and dry as a desert. 

“Stay still," Erasmus says softly, bringing cool water to his flaming throat. And after a while “you scared us there.” To William’s relief he doesn't place his hands anywhere near him anymore. 

"Josh- ua?" William manages, heaving. 

"Worried about others, as always," Erasmus says in tone that might have been endearment, but then he notices William's expression and continues. "He's alright, he's fine. Fainted, poor boy, he wanted to save you so much… Julia's taking care of him now. It might be a bit of a problem though… until he _can_ control his power…" 

Erasmus trails off and looks away. William understands - there's nothing they can do about it. One day they might be eating or sleeping, they might be out scouting the path and Joshua will get angry or excited about something and his burst of power will alert the Inquisition. It's not a matter of _if_ , but _when._ If Julia has sent a ripple across the astral plane by fighting off soldiers on the border before, Joshua's must have sent a tsunami. 

"First use of power, eh?" Erasmus starts and it takes William a while to catch onto the topic. "The defining one. So what was it in your opinion? Vengeance? Wrath?" 

"Mercy," William offers and a hiss of pain escapes him. 

"Rest now." Erasmus's hand hoovers over William's and his stomach curls, but the man only tucks him in. "The worst is over." 

* 

That last part isn't entirely true. 

"We could only walk so far, you weren't in a state, well… Inquisition is close now." William shivers at the mention of the threat he almost convinced himself didn't exist anymore. He nods in understanding. 

"I'm slowing you down…" 

Erasmus sighs, corners of his mouth twitching in a nervous smile as if that could soften the words that followed. 

"Angel… there's nowhere to go… and the plague…" 

William openly stares at Erasmus, blinks when the smells of damp and heavy air reaches his nostrils and he shifts on the bed to look outside. From what appears to be the first floor window he sees a small village - deserted and hollow. Windows and doors closed, marked with white crosses. 

"Is this…" 

"The village is under quarantine, the only reason we're safe here. For now. Houses that were infected are marked with a cross. We put one on our doors too, in the hopes of throwing the Inquisition off." 

"Oh," William considers it for a while, looks at the building they're in, bigger than the rest and attached to an actual church. 

"It’s a vicarage," Erasmus explains and William thinks it's ironic. 

“And this...?” 

He points to the furry throw on his bed, almost sure they didn’t have that before. Erasmus exhales air through his teeth and flicks his gaze around the room. 

“Angel, ask me no questions and I will tell you no lies." 

William understands, he wished he didn't. It’s not like he wasn’t aware Erasmus occasionally slipped an apple or a pie into the folds of his robe when they were in the town. Most of the time he chose not to think about it. There's no more time to dwell on it because he doors open and an old woman enters with a hot bowl of soup in her hands. 

"It's not much, but it should help you heal," she smiles and passes it over to surprised William who frowns, but takes it gratefully. 

"Oh! This is very kind. Thank you, um-” 

“Mary,” Erasmus prompts. 

"The least I can do," she smiles and leaves the room. 

William gobbles it down in fast gulps like he’s never seen food before. In his defence he _was_ unconscious for the past few weeks. It’s incredible how good a thin vegetable soup can taste when one is hungry. Before he finishes eating, all at once a piercing skull cry reaches their ears and William almost spills the soup. They both look at each other and jump towards the window. Outside, on the streets of the seemingly static village there is a bulky thug dragging woman by her hair. 

“Please, somebody! Help!” Before they even have a chance to move, a priest in white robe runs out from the church. 

“Good God! What is the meaning of all this?" 

“Mind your own business, priest. Lest you end up like this one.” 

“What did she do to earn such treatment!?” 

The thug spits to the ground next to a woman and says one word “Witchcraft. I caught her leaving offerings in the woods. Ain’t going to wait for the Inquisition. We know how to serve justice just as well," he accentuates his statement with a shake and the woman cries again "C’mon lassie, on yer feet or I’ll…” he swings his hand, but doesn’t land the blow. The woman flinches, but stands up, frail as she is and the thug smiles. 

“Please…” 

“Shut up!” He yells and they leave in the general direction of the centre of the village, priest following them to the dismay of the thug. 

"Come to your senses!" William hears his pleads as they move away. 

He feels sick and suddenly not that well anymore, he has to steady himself on the frame of the bed not to outright collapse to the floor. Erasmus is pale as well. For a while they only stand there, breathing heavily and looking at each other. 

“I have to go,” Erasmus says suddenly and storms out. 

“Wait!” 

William reaches a hand towards him, but he’s already gone. Hopping downstairs William sees more people of various ages and status who took sanctuary in the vicarage, relaying to one another what has just happened. There's a sense of restlessness now their parish priest disappeared. William locates Julia and Joshua just as the latter is trying to get out of her embrace, fear in Julia's eyes raw and fresh. William knows, it’s imperative to calm the boy down, before the situation gets even worse. 

"I want to go back home!" 

Joshua cries and pushes Julia away who is trying to stop him. She gives William a pleading look. He kneels to be level with the boy, reaches out to move a strand of hair from his forehead. 

"Joshua, we can't come back, I'm sorry. It's not safe anymore." 

William notices and ignores Julia’s exasperated sigh when he tells Joshua the truth. _He deserves to know._

Whether it is the slow movement of his hand or the truth spilled out all at once, William doesn't know, but the boy stops and stares at him with glassy eyes. 

"Is it my fault-" 

"No, sweetheart, _nothing_ of this is your fault," William cuts him off and embraces the boy, who accepts his hands readily now. 

"Okay." 

He accepts it with a whisper and William feels his heart slicing into pieces. Joshua's such a good boy, he doesn't deserve any of this. He should have had a normal life, he should have been raised by his parents. Hell, he didn't even know his parents...  
If William believed in the illusion that the cottage could be their home forever, how much more real was it for Joshua? 

"But we're together, right? That's what… that's what matters." William stutters and squeezes the boy who leans more on him in turn. 

“Will Erasmus come back? 

That's the question he was dreading, the question that freezes blood in his veins. “Yes,” he says not sure what he’s going to do if it turns out to not be true. “Yes, he will.” 

* 

It's past the sunset, when William leaves Joshua in Julia's arms, both asleep in the common room that was adapted for dormitory as more survivors came. Only he can't sleep, vigilantly waiting for a sign. As the evening turns into night, Thomas joins him on the bench outside and they both stare into the darkness in silence, bracing the cold in furry covers. 

There's something comforting about this - both clinging to the hope that their friends will come back. Normally in a similar situation William would pray, but he's past praying now. Everything has changed since he retained his consciousness, there's little hope of them surviving this, even without Erasmus interfering with local politics. 

At first William can't make out the shape from the faint silhouette that appears on the horizon. Only one. William feels his heart throb in his chest and he digs his nail into the bench without even realising it. But then a moment later he recognises the unmistakable stride and outline of eccentric hairstyle. There's immediate relief, followed by the dread of what that means to the other priest. 

Hunched and crumpled Erasmus covers the few remaining meters between them. There's blood on his clothes, but he doesn't appear to be wounded. His eyes are dark and stormy, aimed at everything but them. Thomas reaches him first, puts a hand on his arm and Erasmus just… shakes his head. That’s all, but they know. Without a word, with a head hanged on his side Thomas disappears inside, leaving the two of them alone. William swallows. 

Moon is shining brightly and the Angel constellation appears on the sky star by star, when Erasmus collapses on the bench next to him, face hidden in his hands and starts… weeping. Openly and uncontrollably. William is so stunned he doesn't know what to do. To see the strong, afraid of nothing, always calm and collected man broken into pieces like this is soul crushing. 

“I couldn’t stop it, angel, I couldn’t…” he says first and William does the only thing he can - he embraces Erasmus who leans into his arms easily, furry cover wrapped around them. Both of their bodies trembling, each for a different reason. 

“The priest… “ Erasmus can’t bear to finish the sentence. “And I… I killed _that_ man and I don’t regret it, don’t regret it _at all_ ,” he accentuates, owing to his actions and William can't find it in himself to blame him. “I’m a murderer, angel." 

William opens his mouth to protest, but Erasmus isn't finished yet. 

"...a murderer and a liar, a con-artist. I’m no one.” 

“You’re a good person.” 

“Stop saying I’m a good person like you know my life’s story!” Erasmus blurts out with desperation, but William holds him firmly, brows furrowed, his tone decisive. 

“I know the important bit." 

And Erasmus looks at him with that you don’t know me look again. William can't help, but wonder - _What secrets do you have? What burdens do you carry?_ William wants to wipe his friend's tears away so much it burns him from the inside. _Tell me, I might be able to heal them, to heal you. Why won’t you let me try? Why don’t you let anyone inside?_ Erasmus swallows down his last cries and falls silent and almost limp in William's arms. 

“You worry too much about everyone, angel. You should take care of yourself." 

William feels an overwhelming urge to protest, but doesn't say anything. _How_ , he thinks, _when there are so many people less lucky than me._

They stay like this for a while, but eventually Erasmus lets William take him inside, where he collapses onto the bed immediately. A warm fur lands on his shoulder and he catches William's hand. _Just there_ , he feels the familiar rush of blood. 

"Thank you." Erasmus whispers and closes his eyes. 

It's so silent, but William can't imagine he could sleep now. Instead he turns his steps towards the church and stops only in front of the altar. There are all sorts of things filling his heart - part of him wants to pray and celebrate mass. There's the pull towards his old, safe and peaceful life, when he believed without barriers. And then, there’s the bitter realisation that he's not a priest anymore, not really. Not in all the ways that matter. 

_All of my life I have waited to be saved_ , he realises. _It’s time for me to be the hero of my own story._

Before he knows, two tears run down his cheeks and leans on the altar to catch his balance. 

"Father William?" 

Thomas pats him on the shoulder. It shouldn't really surprise him that he’s not the only one looking for peace here (and not finding it). It must be obvious that he was crying, but he wipes his cheeks before turning around. 

"Not really, Thomas, I think- I might be losing faith in… all of it." 

"I know,” he says hanging his head. 

* 

A few days after the incident with the alleged witch, they sit in the common room warming themselves by the fireplace. They _could_ be moving now William is back to health, but it all seems pointless somehow. 

"What do we do now?" William surprises himself by speaking his thoughts out loud. Julia glances at the scruffy thing snoring against Erasmus’s ribs. 

“If we stay here, they’ll find him,” 

“Be a lot less trouble for us if they did.” 

Erasmus's voice is flat, but tight, he’s not fooling anyone. Erasmus is wrapped in the furs he hasn’t parted with since the night he was crying in William’s arms. It’s not even that cold anymore, not inside. 

“We _could_ go north,” 

William says quietly, and his eyes lift from the fire to find Erasmus’s eyes. Their gazes hold for a moment before William swallows and looks away. Neither of them has the strength to go on, it's not a secret. 

“It’s just going to get colder. And how long do we keep running, eh? Forever?” 

“If we must.” 

_What else can they do? Isn't staying alive enough anymore?_ William raises his eyes to look at Erasmus again covered in furs, then back down at his hands. Each look is its own unique sort of intolerable. He should stop that. Something wakes up in him again (or maybe it never sleeps?) and he can't control it, cannot stop it. _Oh God, is he actually blushing?_

"Maybe we could, I don't know, rally the villagers against the Inquisition?" Julia offers and the air is cut by Erasmus’s soft mocking chuckle. 

"The Inquisition is not even here yet and people are already at each other’s throats." He says calmly and quietly, not looking at anyone in particular. 

_Knock, knock, knock_

Everyone in the room jumps up, including Erasmus. They all look at one another with varying degrees of horror in their eyes, but no one moves. William notices Erasmus touching the hilt of his dagger under his woolen dark cloak, while father Thomas stands up to open the door. Everyone holds their breath. At first it’s difficult to assess the one lone shape on the background of the night, but once the woman enters and locks her eyes on William, his heart jumps. 

"William." 

She says tasting his name in her mouth, enjoying the sound of it like it was something she missed dearly. For a long while William just gapes at her not being able to put two and two together. Her dark long hair is in disarray, deep wrinkles around the side of her mouth like brackets and dark green determined eyes. Eerie silence fills the room. 

"Agnes?" 

He coughs out eventually and he feels the weight of everyone’s eyes on his back. Agnes smiles at him cheekily in turn. 

"Hello, brother. Long time no see." 

**** roll up credits ***  
[ [Placebo - Soulmates] ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roA1T5ZVFW4)  


_The sea's evaporating  
Though it comes as no surprise  
These clouds we're seeing  
They're explosions in the sky  
It seems it's written  
But we can't read between the line  
_

_Hush  
It's okay  
Dry your eye  
Dry your eye  
Soulmate dry your eye  
_

_This one world vision  
Turns us in to compromise  
What good's religion  
When it's each other we despise  
Damn the government  
Damn their killing  
Damn their lies (it's okay)  
_

_Dry your eyes  
Soulmate dry your eyes  
_

_Soulmates never die  
_

  
[art by @smolghostings ](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/smolghostings)  
created for this fic 


	7. The Ritual (s02 ep02)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Oh William. You can't save everyone. The best you can do in this crazy world is to save yourself and, if you are lucky, those dear to you."  
> "Then we're no better than the Inquisition."
> 
> *
> 
> New person in the group changes its dynamic in unpredictable ways...

Episode 2

They sit at the table sharing a stew made mostly of carrots and beans. William finds himself wishing for some fish or a rabbit that Erasmus was able to provide for them in the forest. Before the plague.

"I didn't know William had a sister."

Erasmus accentuates this with pointing his spoon towards Agnes, but flicks his gaze at William. There's an odd tension in this look that's difficult to read, maybe something from the day they first met. It shouldn't feel like an accusation, but it does… or is he imagining it? He looks away with a frown, it's not something he can stand to see. Not in those eyes.

“Yes well, there is a lot you don’t know about me yet." William says as casually as possible and immediately bites his tongue, why did he say _yet_? Erasmus smirks and responds as if he didn't notice this little slip up. 

“Of that I am sure. Full of surprises aren’t you?”

William feels colour blooming on his cheeks, he's not used to being exposed like that. What's more - he always thought about Erasmus being the one with secrets, but now he realises that he's carrying plenty within himself. Ones he is not willing to share with anyone. Ever. Agnes doesn't say anything, curiously observing the two in silence with a mysterious smile. 

The silence prolongs and William can't shake off the feeling that something is wrong - that the carefully crafted harmony they share is cracking somehow. In the background Joshua's is playing with another boy. William knows from father Thomas that the boy and his sister are alone here, their parents lost to the plague that claims its harvest inexorably.

There's the son of a local smith, strong and sturdy and yet just as lost as any of them. There's a young teenage boy with dark hair who spends all his time reading and two siblings - a woman and a man, both asleep now. Their clothes and distrustful looks make William think of Erasmus when he first appeared in his church. _Any_ of those lives could be his, if he wasn't miraculously accepted into the seminary (his parents were so happy). 

A miracle that was wasted on him. 

“How did you find us?” 

Julia asks, the candlelight flicking on her face. She looks much more relaxed than anyone else in the room. Erasmus manages to casually lean his back on the wall behind them, holding the bowl in the air in both hands like he's afraid someone might snatch it away from him. 

The light bounces off his red hair making it look like live fire - consuming and irrepressible. Furry cloak is spread behind him like black wings. The most beautiful of fallen angels. 

William wants to speak, but his mouth is suddenly dry, his heart pounding. By now he knows he's completely lost. He wipes his covered in sweat palms off his robe - woolen and white now, careful not to leave stains of evidence. It must have belonged to one of the priests, maybe to the one who died. 

He hates that he can't control it. Hates that the world would never accept it, that Erasmus will never reciprocate it. He hates that despite not feeling like a priest he still feels compelled to God's laws. Not believing in _anything_ is hard and William being as useless as he is, can't do even that. 

But most of all, he hates himself for being different. Splintered and broken from the beginning. Something demonic has cursed him with these thoughts, this desire and it only gets worse. He doesn't want to stain Erasmus in the way he stained Richard who left the seminary, after William kissed him. _He_ is the true plague and they can never know. _Ever._

If he's going to survive this, he needs to put distance between them. It's the only way.

“You weren’t exactly discreet taking that book from the Monastery," Agnes responds in her usual matter-of-fact way that William came to admire. She studies Erasmus back with equal intensity. Neither of them easily intimidated. 

“But, I wouldn’t have known where you went if not for the boy's making a splash on the astral plane…”

“You’ve… felt it?” William says half terrified, half envious. 

“Very very vaguely, but it was enough. Finding you in this village was more challenging, but… I've felt _you_ like a candle shining in the darkness." She says and smiles, there's something odd in that smile, something warm.

"How very poetic," Erasmus cuts in, but Julia ignores him completely.

"You're a Seer then?"

"Not exactly. I'm… _vaguely_ energy sensitive."

William frowns, lost in the technicalities of the situation and trying not to be too obviously oblivious about all this (and nervously playing with the hem of his robe regardless). He always suspected Agnes was… gifted in some way, but he never understood how. Julia must have picked up on his nervousness, because she starts explaining it all to him.

"It's because, well…" she chooses her words carefully. "Sorcerers and warlocks can sense other people on the astral plane, but it's not straightforward, it's more like uh… if you meet someone you remember their face, right? It's like that but with energy. I can't find someone I've never met, I wouldn't know what I am looking for. Seers having less power struggle to do even that, that's why they mostly track by unexpected bursts of energy. It's not a precise science, you see."

"Oh."

"It's remarkable Agnes was able to pick up on your energy. Of course other factors are also in place, like proximity or… emotional connection."

Erasmus brings two more spoons to his mouth in silence, while William turns towards Agnes trying to read _anything_ from her face. But as much as he recognises the lines and blemishes of her skin, much older now than he remembers, it's not enough. Too much time has passed. 

They never had the chance to become close. As an older sister, she bore the brunt of their parents expectations and when she left, William had to pick up the pieces, in the end becoming who their parents wanted him to be. They were always very different from one another. William suspected Agnes was gifted with some sort of magical ability, but he never caught her using it. Was that why she left home? To protect their whole family?

“Why were you looking for us?” 

Erasmus cuts in, not pushed off his axis in the slightest. He wipes his mouth in his hands and pushes his empty bowl on the table. Agnes smiles in a way that makes William think she knows something they don't. 

“After sensing the ripple I figured you found yourself in a pickle. I came to help.”

“Oh, and _how_ do you intend to do that exactly?” Erasmus warps his lips in a casual anti-smile and crosses his arms. William has a distinct impression that he would put his legs on the table too if only there was space for it.

“You have the book, right?”

“Yeah, it wasn’t very helpful."

“It wasn’t helpful to _you_ , but if you read between the lines... may I?” Erasmus appears to be hesitating, but when Agness adds “you’ve just said it yourself, it’s not very helpful,” he gives up and brings the book.

Agnes takes it in her hands reverently to Julia's approval (and Erasmus's disapproval) and browses through the pages as if looking for something specific. (This on its own is enough to alarm Erasmus). Then she puts it on the table for everyone to see, in a suitable distance from the candles. 

“There, that’s a defensive ritual, it could be done here and the Inquisition wouldn’t be able to enter. Not without disabling the spell first, which let’s be honest, they don’t have the capacity to do."

"Neither do we," Julia points out, her tone grim and maybe a bit disappointed for the first time since the beginning of this conversation "have the capacity to create it."

"I’d think the Great Warlock is enough."

"He's only _five_!" Erasmus slams his open hand on the table and William jumps up. He knows, there are borders his friend will not cross.

"Oh dear, I'm sure- I'm sure there is some other way," he looks at Agnes expectantly, feeling more and more uneasy by the minute.

"By doing this we'll uncover our position. That is if… Joshua can even concentrate his power sufficiently to begin with.” 

Julia counters, looking at the boy running around the room and laughing, oblivious to his own tragedy. For how long can they keep it away from him?

"They will find you anyway,” Agnes leaves the book on the table like an open question and stands up. “Now if you will excuse me, I’ve travelled a long way and I think some sleep would be in order.”

William nods, eager for this discussion to end. He stands up to let Agnes out, smiles politely to the rest, but before he walks away from the table he notices Erasmus lean towards Julia. They exchange a few words in hushed tones. William can't make out the words but the glances both he and Agnes are getting makes him feel uncomfortable. It feels odd - up to this point they talked openly about everything. Now it feels like a sudden rift has been put between them. _Maybe that's for the better_ , he can't help but think.

Sitting on the bed with Agnes on the other corner of the spacious room they are as far apart from each other as they can be here. But when Julia puts a hand on Erasmus's cheek, William feels something starting to burn within him. _Stop it, you're being ridiculous_ , he reminds himself, _someone will see_. Too late, Agnes is already following William's gaze towards the couple by the table.

"They won't be together,” she says so matter-of-factly as if it was the most obvious truth in the world. William’s face immediately turns into stone.

"How do you know?" He bites his lip, he shouldn't have asked, it’s showing too much. She shouldn't fiddle with his robe nor keep wiping his hands like they're on fire nor...

"I know," she responds mysteriously, her eyes shrouded in mist for a split second before her confident smile is back. It's much darker on this side and two people sleep behind him. He keeps the tone of his voice low. 

"When you left home I didn't think I would see you again." William decides it’s a good moment to change the topic. They haven’t seen each other for _so long_. There were so many things he imagined telling his sister when they eventually, magically meet one of those impossible days, but it all evaporated from his mind the moment she walked in through the doors. 

"Willy, I'm sorry I left you behind. I did not want this to happen…"

For the first time she appears to be concerned. Was that supposed to be an excuse? He was never really angry at her for leaving, it wasn’t her fault their parents were the way they were. Agnes was stronger than him in every way and he only wished that he could have been so unapologetically _himself_ as Agnes was.

"Why are you here?" He asks and then reflects on how it sounds "I mean, I am really happy that you came, but it _hardly_ seems like a coincidence…" Why is he nervous? He shouldn't be, not around his own sister.

Agnes looks like she wanted to continue the previous topic, but accepts the change of pace easily. She pats the bed crytically (it's a hay stuffed bag with a rough wool blanket), murmurs something about poor conditions and lies flat on her back with her belongings under her head. William doesn't follow suit, doesn't want to risk another glance towards Erasmus and Julia and sitting with his back towards them seems like the best solution. Did it suddenly get chillier here? He puts arms around himself.

"Will, do you remember when you climbed that tree in our garden, the one with long thorns, and you didn’t know how to go down?” Agnes says out of the blue, turning towards him. Is she avoiding answering his question?

“Yes,” he says blushing at the memory. 

It was rather embarrassing, so of course he remembers it. Heights was one of his many fears and in an attempt to overcome it, he has chosen the tallest, most frightening and uninviting tree he could find, with branches dense and twisted. The wild plum tree. (He wonders if the tree has grown in his memory over the years.) As for execution, well… it seemed like a good idea at the time.

“You cried for father to help you, but before he came your leg slipped."

William swallows, remembering that moment a bit too vividly for his liking. “But then you were there to catch me," he points out. "We both got a few bruises and cuts… but nothing as bad as if you weren't there."

“Did you never wonder how I managed to be there on time?” William freezes in place, feeling suddenly very cold.

“Well… coincidences do happen."

She smiles, although William doesn't understand what's so funny. "And yet it hardly seems like a coincidence that I'm here now." 

He frowns. "That's different."

"Is it? Or was I around, _because_ I knew it would happen?” It's a question, but in a tone that doesn’t leave space for doubt. "I _see_ things. Most of the time it's rather vague and I can only make sense of it _after_ they happen, but sometimes… sometimes it's clearer."

William digs his hands onto the rough linen of his bed, feeling suddenly light-headed, although quite frankly so many unbelievable things happened recently, he shouldn't be surprised anymore.

"What-" words die in his throat and he's not sure if he wants to hear the answer at all. "What will happen?"

"Good night."

Agnes turns his back to him, wrapping her woolen cloak tighter around herself. As if he didn't have enough things to overthink over, William sighs lowering himself carefully on his own bed. 

*

The next day, William wakes up to angry shouting. Feeling a headache creeping over his temples he wants to _politely_ , but firmly scold them, when he realises that the voices belong to Julia and Erasmus. 

"...you're not really worried about _him_ risking his life! You want to _preserve_ his power, because you want him to rebuild your precious Covenant."

"It's been foreseen!"

"I don't care what's been foreseen! Even less if it was written last century by some crazy guy." 

Erasmus's shouts grow louder, while Julia just stands there with her arms crossed. The frown on her forehead underlines first wrinkles around her eyes. Neither of them willing to give in.

_Oh dear._

" _You_ wanted to find the book."

"Because the Inquisition has it! I didn't want to be worse off."

William looks between the two, then his eyes fall on the bed where Joshua used to sleep, now empty, to the slit in the doorway, allowing the trickling of the faint morning light. Trepidation raises within his bloodstream like a flood, engulfing him whole.

"He ran away," 

Agnes says simply and William throws the rough covers away and shifts on his bed to look at her - calmly browsing through her notes and scribbling from time to time. Not even looking at him. _How is she not worried?_ William's mouth is immediately dry, his breath hiked up. Erasmus and Julia are still quarreling in the background, though he stopped listening a long time ago.

"Why?"

"He overheard your friends talking about the _Great Warlock_ and figured it out."

Guilt instantly fills him to the brim. He knew that at some point they would have to tell Joshua who he really is and William always was a supporter of truth (obviously, he is… um, _was_ a priest), but how do you decide when is the right time?

"We told him-" William licks his lips, hesitates, "that he is special…"

"Being special _is_ difficult. It's a very lonely life. Especially if there are people sacrificing their lives for you, but don't worry," she adds when William stands up. "He is not hurt." He catches his furry cloak, now left on one of the beds and jumps towards the door.

"Stay here!" Erasmus shouts final words to Julia and rushes after him.

Ever since the parish priest died and Erasmus cried on his shoulder, William did not dare to go to the village. The air is damp, and feels heavy in William's lungs, each breath harder to draw as he runs forward in the mud, trying to avoid countless puddles the storms have left behind. White crosses painted on almost every second door engrave themselves on William's memories, they will haunt him for a long time. Leaden sky puts to doubt the existence of the sun.

"Joshua!" 

He yells at the top of his lungs, stopping every now and then, to hear for an answer, but the village is as silent as dead and the only sound is the cawing of crows. 

"Joshua!" 

Another familiar and just as desperate voice joins his own. William reaches the centre of the village first. There is a stone obelisk with burning fire - reminder of God's presence. Erasmus's warm hand lands on his shoulder, maybe meant as comfort, maybe as an apology, but either way William is too distressed to accept it and pulls away.

And this is when William sees it - a man in leader armor, heavy metal gloves and boots. There are pauldrons on his arms and a belt at his thigh with a heavy looking longsword. Black tunic reaches his knees, with red and golden threads interwoven into it - the colours of the Inquisition. 

"Joshua!" Erasmus is by him in an instant.

"Ah, here is your father." The Inquisitor tries to pass him onto the arms of shaken Erasmus, but the boy protests.

"He's not my father!" The child cries and fights Erasmus's arms.

Inquisitor looks over both of them more closely. Erasmus freezes confounded, almost vulnerable, his red hair on the display. All the Inquisitor needs to do is connect the dots...

"They died of the plague." William rushes with an explanation and reaches for the child who accepts his arms more readily (thank God). "His parents died of the plague."

"Of the plague" the guard repeats very carefully, noting William's vestment. 

"Yes," he affirms. "We live just there." 

He points to one of the houses at random, makes sure the guard notices the cross over the doorway. The Inquisitor's eyes widen, he mumbles something unintelligible and skirts away in rush.

"The Inquisition… already here!" Erasmus says as soon as the guard is gone. The crows are circling above their heads again and William just wants to be in the safety of the vicarage as quickly as possible. "We… we have to do the ritual."

"What!?" William stumbles and steps in a puddle, knocked completely out of balance. "You think you can just decide for everyone? There's more people in the vicarage than just us."

"And what do you propose? That we ask their opinion?"

"Well... yes. As a matter of fact I do."

"Oh William," he says in a tone indicating he has still a lot to learn, which immediately sets him defensive. "You can't save everyone. The best you can do in this crazy world is to save yourself and, if you are lucky, those dear to you."

"Then we're no better than the Inquisition." William utters the answer quickly and it leaves Erasmus stunned. He chews on those words for a while and finally shrugs.

"Alright, _angel,_ " the word sounds like a mockery again, it cuts deep, but William feels he deserved it. If not for the words he said then for the thoughts and desires he keeps locked inside. _How did it came to this again?_ "You do the talking then."

*

William did and to his surprise everyone was supportive of the idea. Maybe it was that it felt like a rebellion, like they could finally push back with something, like a little hope. 

William learned during his stay here that most inhabitants of the little village of Paz followed both the old religion of their ancestors, of trees and thunder, and the new God of light, but the latter seemed more distant, more cold. Its emissaries merciless and out of touch with their reality. And William couldn't help, but to agree. 

There is only five of them performing the ritual. They stand in a much smaller room at the five ends of a chalk pentagram drawn within a circle, while the rest waits in the common room. William is certain it looks positively demonic. Agnes reads out the words of the ritual, while Joshua concentrates his power. As none except the boy has the required power, he will have to pour some of the energy into each of them.

It takes a while, but there is no rush and when the boy finally kneels to touch the circle and then William feels faint tingling in his fingers, then hands. The new energy feels like something warm spilling across his whole body and wonders if that's what it feels like to be magical.

_In the time of need and anguish  
We protect the beacon of light  
So it can shine forevermore  
For the world to reignite_

There is faint light trickling from all of them towards the frame of the circle and the pentagram, flowing like water in a riverbed, glowing brighter as it goes. Once the circle is complete, pillar of light forms in the middle, illuminating the room with its power and William holds his breath. He's never seen anything like this and it's… beautiful. 

The light grows brighter until William has to shield his eyes, the floor is quaking and familiar gust of wind encircles them. Then the light disappears as abruptly as it emerged, rocketing through the roof, leaving a faint feeling of statics in the air and the room falls silent.

**** roll up credits ***  
[ [Aisha Badru - Splintered] ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkw295M5JiA)  


_They never taught us how to love  
So we use our pain  
To comfort us  
_

__

__

_And we never practice what we preach  
Instead, we find  
Someone else to teach  
_

_We try so hard to keep it in  
We turn away  
From what lies within  
_

_We are splintered  
And we are rotten  
Deep within the walls that we've forgotten  
_

_All the answers  
To all our problems  
Lie within the one who tries to dodge them  
_

_We're so afraid to be alone  
So we hoard our pain  
And call it home  
_

_They never taught us how to look inside  
Only how to run and how to dry our eyes  
_

_We dig ourselves into a ditch  
How many of us die  
And pretend to live?  
_

_We stop the life from leakin' in  
When we turn away  
From what lies within  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the longer wait than usual, the chapter ended up being longer than I initially anticipated. Thank you for your patience <3 (Pssst... the next episode is *the* kiss)


	8. Falling (s02 ep03)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's past the point of no return.  
> He's doomed.
> 
> There's no way out of this temptation now, and to add to that Erasmus's secret past is being revealed...
> 
> (Includes * _the_ * scene from the Slow Show)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've finally have a beta!! Big thank you to wonderful - [ VinWrit ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/VinWrit/pseuds/VinWrit) (also [ @vintagecar-but-onfire ](https://vintagecar-but-onfire.tumblr.com/) ) for going over all of my grammar in such a great detail, hopefully there will be no more typos or mistakes ^^"
> 
> Also! Some of you might have noticed! There's a video [ trailer for Warlock! ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBn4f-OIY0M) (also on [ my tumblr ](https://teslatherat.tumblr.com/post/611153182847008768/some-of-you-might-know-that-recently-ive-been))
> 
> And! [ @smolghostings ](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/smolghostings) was kind enough to create [ this wonderful art ](https://teslatherat.tumblr.com/post/611402220523700224/oh-my-heart-ive-been-so-looking-forward-to) (from end of Chapter 1 and Chapter 6 respectively) for me! Thank you so much !!

Episode 3

They had a plan. 

It's not like they weren't prepared, or hadn’t improved their plan over and over. And still, everyone rests on edge, waiting. Everyone except Erasmus who is _ecstatic_ about his plan, devised together with Marcus. William observes them, standing together by the table, going over some final details. They seem to be getting along brilliantly. William isn't sure but he might have even spotted Erasmus sending a playful wink towards Marcus.

That must have been his nervousness playing up, surely.

Marcus is a tall and lanky - but good looking - man. Brown fringe spills from under his hood, and falls over his eyes. The look is complete together with his dark cloak. Julia, who finally doesn’t have to restrain her magic, flicks mugs above her hand in the air. This doesn't help to soothe the others. William thinks how powerful Julia really is and how helpless she must have felt throughout their whole journey, how crippled, how utterly not _herself._

_This is what the Inquisition does, this is what they want to achieve._

If it wasn't clear to William before, now he sees it without any doubt - the Inquisition harms people on more levels than it is visible to the naked eye. William is nervous as well, he can't deny it - he was never particularly brave. If he acted in the past, it was out of sheer impulse (he is impulsive, he knows that). This is different, this is waiting for the inevitable; and for that, _real_ bravery is needed. 

Waiting leaves time for doubt to seep into his heart and absorb it like a sponge. There are just so many variables in their plan - something is bound to go wrong. What if the Inquisition won’t want to negotiate? Erasmus is convinced they will, but they could just as easily wait them out. _The Warlock's power will grow stronger, they wouldn't want that._ Maybe, hopefully.

He waits.

He risks praying again, but that brings little to no comfort. He even attends father Thomas's mass, but all the words somehow miss his swollen heart. He stands up and heads for the only thing that can still bring him respite - the bed, his safe space, where he can forget about everything. The moment of falling asleep - a bliss of all his problems ceasing to exist, if only for a time. 

Often he dreams of places he's been to or people he knows. He dreams of his church, of the ceremonial robe, smell of the incense (of the past). In these dreams his faith is unwavering and his church merciful. Sometimes he dreams of the cottage, of translating the book. He dreams of Julia and Joshua, and he dreams of Erasmus. There was nothing odd about it, not until tonight.

This dream is different.

Evening rises and he is alone in the woods. Darkness threatens to engulf the world, and the trees reach out with their twisted branches towards him, like hungry unforgiving hands. He doesn't remember how he got here or where he came from; there is no sight of their camp - or anyone at all.

"Erasmus? Julia?" He shouts into the void, but there is no response. He attempts to run, but crosses no distance. 

A tall and lanky shape _materialises_ out of darkness, out of ashes and shadows. It has a black fur cloak and bright red hair that falls over his back.

 _Erasmus?_ William wants to say, but no sound escapes his throat.

There's something _odd_ about this Erasmus - the way he moves and doesn't say a word and he looks at William with that spark- like- like he wants- _oh God._

William breath hitches and his hands tremble, but he cannot move. Erasmus's long and perfect fingers reach out like twisted branches to catch him within their embrace.

The touch is soft on William's jaw, strokes gently, with intent. Against his will he closes his eyes, leans into the touch. A breath that was held in his lungs for far too long escapes his mouth all at once, stops on something that leaned in very close.

 _Is this a temptation?_ Sudden thought appears in his mind and pierces his heart. His eyes open to see two fiery ambers, waiting for a good moment to strike like a snake.

_Is this really you or a demon in your form? Are you both?_

Too late. William's head is held in place by those spidery hands, Erasmus's lips fall on his like the dewfall, then like rain, then the storm. He wants to be released, and he doesn't: instead,he takes a step back and is grateful for the tree behind him that stops him in place. 

They're kissing, and William cannot move, their chests pressed together, heartbeat to heartbeat, trembling and barely able to stand. So close he can feel… _oh God._

Without thinking William raises one hand to touch the beautiful creature in front of him, feel the fire of his hair entangled around his fingers. It's soft, so soft, and it doesn't burn at all. Not on his hand.

Erasmus catches William's hand and pulls it away, bites his own lips as if thinking of something new, something that will ruin William even more. Then, he smiles meaningfully in that gorgeous and terrifying way. William's hand is pinned to the tree and held in place, while Erasmus's slowly traces down his throat, his chest, going even lower and when William thinks the worst has already happened… Erasmus kneels down...

...and William falls from his bed. 

He gasps for air, opening his eyes to the complete darkness of the room, to the very distinctive feeling of _falling_. His heart still thudding in his ribcage like a bird in a cage, insisting that it be let out, and William wishes he could let it go.

Inside him there is a devastated wasteland, absolutely barren. Betrayed by his own mind, by this dream that can never be realised. He reaches out under the cover,hoping not to find what he already knows must be there. He can feel it in his limbs, in the rhythmic throbbing of his veins. Defeated, he climbs up his bed and lies on his back.

If the dream was a test, then he has failed it miserably.

 _Why?_ \- He asks the question to no one and everyone, to the universe and to God. _Is it not enough that I'm already crushed, must I be humiliated with this as well?_ A lone tear escapes his eye and sinks into the cover beneath him.

And yet.

There is a part of him that doesn't want to let that dream go, that tries to remember every detail and every sensation. That keeps replaying it in his mind over and over, where no one can see and no one will ever know. Where he can cherish it forever.

He knows, he'll keep a part of it with himself. Secretly. It has already laid down roots deep in his heart. Accepting the truth was supposed to make it easier to bear. It didn't. It made it so much worse.

Never in his life he felt so helplessly alone.

*

The next day he is woken up by the sound of horses. 

By the time he realises what's going on, everyone has already flocked to the window. He notices Julia readying her hands, just in case. Erasmus stands by her side light catches in his hair, and William swallows loudly. His own hands automatically jumping up to touch his face, tracing the sensation form the night before. 

He's past the point of no return.  
He's doomed.

"Not a lot of them," Julia notes, when five horse riders begin to get closer.

"No, the rest keep a safe distance from the church; they're not stupid. We must already be surrounded."

William notes that this new group looks dramatically different to the thugs who invaded his church in Neath. The man in charge has shiny plate armour and a red and golden coat. He could be royalty, or perhaps a knight. Another one holds up a white piece of canvas - a sign they want to negotiate. 

_Thank God._

They stop a few meters from the main entrance, not far from the barrier. Their leader takes out his helmet. Without a word Thomas walks out to meet them; and for the first time, Erasmus seems unnerved.

"Can I help you my lord?"

"You can," the man smirks. "I am here for the child."

Thomas feigns a surprised look, but he's not very convincing.

"I'm afraid I don't know what you are referring to."

"Right. Have it your way then. Soldiers!”

At once, five firearms are aimed at them and William chokes. He's read about the new muskets extensively, of course, but never actually seen one in person. The technology was still a novelty, but already extremely deadly even now. Thomas takes a few steps back and plasters his back against the heavy oak doors just as one of the soldiers steps forward. There's a sizzling sound and a faint light reaches him instantly like quiet thunder and collides with his body, leaving him writhing on the ground. It lasts a few seconds then he stops moving. William's heart clenches.

"What the -!"  
The remaining soldiers jump away in fear - except for their leader, who looks on, unfazed.

As much as William feels a spark of hope for their future; and as much as he understands that this is a necessity, he can't help but to also feel… sorry, for the soldier lying lifelessly on the ground, killed but merely following orders.

But their leader is not done yet. 

He steps forward, just an inch from where his man has fallen, puts two hands to his mouth to amplify his voice and yells:  
"Looord Nicoolas!" 

It doesn't strike William immediately what is going on; instead, it’s a slow and creeping realisation with too many possibilities, none of which are good and his stomach churns unpleasantly.

And _then_ he remembers Bahee's words and his heart stops in his chest.

_"...damn your blood, Nicolas. What were you even thinking?"  
"It's Erasmus now."_

He turns towards Erasmus, slowly, seeing him in a completely new light. Tracing his every move, every small shift of his muscles, every wrinkle. Watches as Erasmus presses his forehead to the cold stone wall. His lips part as if he wants to say something, or explain himself.

"We know you're in there! Are you so scared to show yourself that you send this innocent priest instead?"

"Don't." Julia puts a hand on Erasmus's shoulder and all at once William realises that _she knew_. He assumed that Erasmus never let anyone into his world, but that was simply _not true_. They knew each other much longer, _of course_ she knew. William feels like a fool.

_"You’re a good person."  
"Stop saying I’m a good person like you know my life’s story!"_

Why would he cry in William's arms a few nights before? He knows instantly.

_He wanted to be forgiven, and you are a priest. You absolute fool, why do you think he calls you 'angel'? You've been lying to yourself all this time. You wanted to see something that wasn't there._

His heart clenches.

_"You go rest, priest. I'll keep watch."  
"I understand, you are a priest. I think we should take turns."_

With how much he was focused on containing it within himself, he missed the simple fact that Erasmus… would ever see him the same way.

_Neither did Richard. You will always be alone._

Erasmus visibly slumps, William can almost feel his burden on his own shoulders. But unlike William, Erasmus is brave; and he walks out to face the knight, to Julia’s dismay. The heavy doors close behind him with a thump.

"Finally! Hiding with the rest of them, like the rat that you are," The noble spits to the ground.

"Lord Vitalis," Erasmus says casually; _like they know each other_ , William notices.

"You look like shit," Vitalis says.

"You _are_ shit," Erasmus responds, crossing his arms. "And it's Erasmus now."

"You know, running away from your past isn't going to change anything, but _if_ you give up the boy _now_ , you might still be forgiven."

"I don't give a shit about your absolution. Or anyone else's for that matter. Not for saving the boy from _your_ hands."

"Don't be stupid, our orders are to catch the child at all cost, dead or alive. If we have to burn the church, we will."

"Can they actually do that?" William asks, turning towards Agnes, but she remains silent, browsing through her notes like they aren't in the middle of a confrontation, like the world around her doesn’t exist. Joshua is curled by her side.

"Three days, Nicolas. Three days and not a minute longer. Don't disappoint me." Vitalis whistles to the rest of the men, re-mounts his horse and they withdraw. The dust rises as they disappear into the distance - and, as if on the cue - the rain starts to fall. 

Erasmus stands there for a while, getting soaked, looking into the distance with an absolutely shattered expression on his face and William just wants to _comfort_ him. As if it wasn't William who just had the revelation of Erasmus's past dropped on his head, as if it wasn't Erasmus who owes William an explanation. 

_He doesn't owe you anything. You're a stranger in their lives, always will be._

Julia reaches him first and pulls him into an embrace despite his wet clothes. She asks if he's okay, and he buries his head in her shoulder. The rest of them gather themselves around. William doesn't ask for an explanation, but they do. 

"Well?" Marcus, says first, his arms crossed. His sister holds him by the arm and the rest stay a step behind. Julia doesn't let Erasmus go. "When you said you knew the Inquisition from the inside, I did not realize you are _pals_ ," his features are sharp, eyes angry. Somehow, he appears to feel betrayed on more levels than one.

"And you," Marcus turns towards William and he feels heart raising up his throat, "you vouched for him."

"I… I did not know…"

"You didn't know. And we're supposed to trust him _now_?"

"Stay back," Julia raises one hand at them and Marcus takes out his dagger in response, the tension palpable. William opens his mouth to explain, but before he manages the words, Erasmus puts his wet hand on Julia's, lowers it down.

"Don't. You can't blame them for distrusting me." Briefly, he glances at William, then averts his gaze as quickly.

"We can… we can still follow our plan." William pleads. 

"No, we can't. How do I know he won't take up on the Inquisition's offer and sell us out? Hell, I would if I was in his position. I don't trust him."

Erasmus looks at him sharply. The tension is not yet diffused. Then, he crosses his arms and… smirks. Something in his eyes changes and he starts to weave his own magic of words.

"That makes two of us, but neither of us have a choice but to work together."

Marcus still holds his dagger up, but his grip on it seems to loosen. 

"Do you think I don’t want to fight the Inquisition as much as you do? Do you think I’ve never lost anything, anyone to them?” He moves closer to Marcus, gestures at himself, water dripping from him to the stone floor. Everyone else is silent as the two of them stare each other in the eyes.

Erasmus continues.

“That’s why I will sneak past the Inquisition and to the neighbouring village _as previously agreed_ and you will lure Vitalis in here, also _as previously agreed_. And if you don't want me to get horses and would prefer to run on foot that's fine by me. We don't have to stick together once we're out, but until then you need me."

"Fine, go" Marcus says through his teeth, hides his dagger, “but don’t forget your lot stays with me, so you better keep your side of the deal."

He gives them a final look over and leaves with his sister. The rest of the group just stand there unmoving, a girl clutching her younger brother, the son of the smith slouching with gaze dug into the floor. Even father Thomas cannot believe everything he's just heard.

If only William knew how to make them trust him again. They would still fight the Inquisition together, but the spark was gone, the previous carefully knitted unity torn, and, one by one… they leave the room until there is only the five of them left. It weighs heavily on William's chest. He sits on the bed by Agnes with a heavy sigh, head in his hands, and Joshua clings to him. He is such a good and clever boy.

This is _not_ how it was supposed to go.

So Erasmus was a Lord and knows the Inquisitors by name. That doesn’t have to mean anything yet. Erasmus hates everything about them with passion, it wouldn’t make sense for him to have any sort of association. If there was _one_ thing William knew for sure, it was that he could trust Erasmus. And he did, with his life.

"Don't worry." Erasmus squeezes water from his hair, stands by the fire with his back to everyone. "Necessity keeps people closer than trust."

"I trust you."

Eerie silence fills the room, and the crackling of fire, reminding William all too much about the time spent in the forest. And his dream.

"I'm leaving tonight." Erasmus says, and starts gathering his stuff, raising his gaze to briefly look at them before looking away “Take care of yourself here.”

There is something soul-shattering in that gaze. It feels like a goodbye in more than one way, but he trusts Erasmus. He trusts him.  
He's beyond lost.

*

"Lord Vitalis, we really should inform the Grand Inquisitor about this." The young man enters his tent and Vitalis sends him a terrifying look.

"Nonsense!" He smiles in that vile, dangerous way that tells the other _you're going to pay for questioning my orders_. Stupid boy. "The quicker we can get the boy the better, no time for idle chit-chat."

He's been tasked with curbing the Seers, cursed work. He was afraid it might rub off on him in some way and make him unclean. But he had to admit, they were incredibly useful tools. And well, he could always find a way for them to _repent._

They've been lucky to have been in the vicinity really. For months they've been combing through Orsya with no real results and the monarchs were growing more uncomfortable the longer they stayed - having to feed the soldiers - even a small division -wasn't that easy, especially with the plague around. 

Then, suddenly, _boom!_ Their quarry has revealed their location themselves. There was definitely something that didn’t stack up there, but he was going to worry about it later. For now they are going to surround the church, they have the numbers. Speaking of which, he needed to find a way to break whatever demonic spell had been put on the vicarage and the _church._

_Of all the places! God, have pity on their souls._

_Or not. They don't deserve it either way, especially not Nicolas._

If they won't hand over the boy soon, his powers will reach full potential and will never be stunted like those of Seers. The sin will take its root and forever run in his veins. In which case it will be too late to save him. But, for now, they can. 

And it will be Vitalis who achieves that. 

He's definitely _not_ going to wait three days.

"Lord Vitalis?" The same boy pokes his head inside the tent.

"Bloody hell, I already told you-" then his gaze falls on the person standing next to him, dressed all in black.  
Vitalis smiles, it looks like he won't have to wait that long.

**** roll up credits ***  
[ [Asaf Avidan - Love It or Leave It] ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X31SjB0SwOI)  
_Long are the days when you're turning away  
From the reasons you strung_

_Long is the way, when you're aching to say  
But your teeth bite your tongue_

_Loud is the wind in your ears as you spin  
As you look for the sun_

_Loud are the skies as you thunder your cries  
When your prayers are sung_

_Hard is the floor as the waves pound the shore  
Of your wounds  
Roll up your sleeve it's hard to believe  
But it's you_

_Love it or leave it you got to believe it_

_My oh my! It hurts sometimes  
Oh my oh my! It hurts sometimes_

_I think I'm running out of time  
Before I'm gonna lose my mind_

_Slow is the night when you reach for the light  
But the dark lingers on_

_Slow is the bite of the words that you write  
When it's finally dawn_

_How can you swim when the waters are streaming in you?  
Roll up your sleeve now love it or leave it it's you_

_Love it or leave it you got to believe it_


	9. Of Saviours and Runaways (s02 ep04)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They look at each other; it seems something didn't go quite as planned...
> 
> *
> 
> They had a plan, but where humans are involved, the variables are endless and impossible to predict.  
>  _If only Erasmus was here._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry again for the wait! I swear I had to change the plot too many times to fit the cannon, but here it is finally !! <3
> 
> Trigger warning for some intense action sequence

Episode 4

Erasmus left in a hurry without goodbyes, without saying _'everything will be alright'_ or _'see you soon'_. Not to him - nor to Julia, which was the more surprising - and only merely tousled Joshua's hair. He ran like a runaway into the night and away from them; from his past, from anyone that knew - William among the things left behind with no explanation at all.

 _What if there is nothing to explain?_ A chilly thought pierced his mind followed by another - _what if they won't see each other again, ever? I shouldn't care so much._

 _But I’m only worried as a friend, that's all_ , William corrects himself, knowing it isn’t true.

Julia must be thinking about Erasmus too, because she suddenly says, "You know he carried you on his back all the way here, when you were wounded? On a makeshift gurney. For a week."

They're both standing shoulder to shoulder by the window, staring out into the darkness. Waiting for Marcus to come back. It feels entirely too intimate.

"He… he did?"

The fact catches William off guard, overwhelms him. He adjusts his collar nervously. _When did it get so hot?_ There is a pleasant heat waking up in him and he lets it smolder gently before extinguishing it abruptly with one thought.

 _Of course he did, you saved his life. He feels guilty, feels that he owes you._ Somehow, William manages to push the awful thought to the back of his mind, but it doesn't let him rest. Trying hard not to fiddle with his hands, he shifts his attention to Julia.

“Was the story you told me of- of… how you two met - was that - was it made up?”

“No! No, that was all true, except… Except, Erasmus wore the armour plate, quite like the one Vitalis has, and a cloak of white, red and gold. I would not have been able to stop him on time, if he’d decided to… well. If he didn't rebel against the Inquisition there and then..." Julia trails off. "But that’s why I trust him, you see,” She smiles to herself in a way that reveals more than probably intended, and William understands. Even though his heart curls in his chest at the realisation, he understands.

But that’s not everything. William bites his lip, but cannot stop the question that was gnawing on him for the past days.  
"Do you think… is it possible to insert a dream into someone else's mind? Magically, I mean…”

Julia taps her lips ponderously. "Well, I suppose with enough resources, in theory - but I don't see why anyone would."

There is something tugging at his clothes, and William looks down to see Joshua grinning up at him.  
"Joshua! Why are you still awake?" 

He tousles the child’s hair playfully, and picks him up. Agnes enters the room a second after, and William doesn't miss the little wink between them. He passes the boy to Agnes and Joshua goes to her arms readily. William frowns. _Since when do they get along so well?_

Agnes is not exactly the same person William remembers. She feels more... distant, has those prolonged moments of being absent-minded or disconnected from reality outright. And it makes sense, of course it makes sense… being the odd one in the world, seeing what others can't see. 

William can sympathize with being different.

And still William can trace the same gestures and tiny movement of her muscles back to their past, forming expressions he recognises. Hidden beneath a patina of time and a few more wrinkles, but they're still there. Especially the cheeky and slightly mysterious raise of her eyebrows. 

And all at once he realises how he has missed her. He’s missed her so much. _How did she get involved in this mess?_ Later when they have more time, he will ask this; and more questions, too.

"Agnes will take care of you, for now, little one. Don't worry, we have a plan." He winks at the child, who smiles.

"When will Erasmus come back?"

William's throat clenches at the mention of that name. "Soon," he says, tucking a loose strand of hair behind Joshua's ear. "We'll meet with him soon."

Agnes sighs deeply; it's not a good sign. She puts a hand on William's shoulder and looks into his eye, but hesitates. "Whatever happens today…" she trails off, struggling to find the right words and William just knows it’s going to be cryptic. "Just remember… everything happens for a reason and... not all can be avoided."

 _Have you ever… tried?_ Springs to his mind, but he doesn't dare ask. Not with so many witnesses around. But she's not finished yet, she opens her mouth and closes it again, an internal battle surfacing on her face. 

"You _will_ see Erasmus again."

That random message makes hair on the back of William's neck raise. _Of course he will, of course he will… he is coming back to meet them, isn't he?_

There is no time to delve into it any further. That’s probably for the best, because Marcus is visible on the horizon now, returning alone. They look at each other; it seems something didn't go quite as planned. _Has the Inquisitor seen through them?_ William sighs. _That was to be expected, really._ Without a word, Julia goes downstairs to let Marcus in, because their barrier can only be opened by those who created it.

Capturing Vitalis was imperative to the plan; cutting him off from the chain of command. William was aware that the soldiers must all have been more or less indoctrinated, but he believed they weren't completely lost. _And maybe… maybe they could even be converted to their cause_ , he hoped against hope.

 _There must be someone somewhere that cares about all this, about the Inquisition's crimes_ , William thinks. He desperately wants to believe in it. _If not the church, not their spiritual guide, then surely at least the crown? Things cannot go on like this, not for ever... can they?_

But without separating Vitalis from the rest... was bloodshed their only option? He knew that Erasmus didn't want to take any chances.

 _"With the ritual in place and magic at hand, we have the edge,”_ \- Erasmus had said, when they had discussed their strategy. 

_"You want to kill him? Is that really the best option? He’ll be a martyr and we'll become the monsters the Inquisition says we are.”_

Whether this convinced Erasmus or not - William wasn't sure - he was outvoted. Although now William wondered if it was fear of consequences that made them choose this solution.

It's a moot point now.

They will have to re-think their options and adapt. Tomorrow, after a good night's sleep; for the others at least. William doesn't want to sleep. Not anymore, so he stays; staring into the darkness. The moon, hidden behind leaden clouds, sheds no light on the forsaken ground. Has it been gone long enough for them to stop believing in its existence? He watches as trees sway in the wind and blinks. There is no light, so where do the shadows come from? _Did that shrub just move?_

He turns around, but there is no one to direct the question at. _Why is Julia still downstairs?_ A vague unease creeps into his heart. Something doesn't feel right...

He rushes to the entrance hall to see Julia lying on the cold stone floor with a trickle of blood seeping from a wound on her head.

_Oh no._

He runs towards her, heart in his throat, pounding like a wild animal trapped in a cage. _It doesn't make sense… if Marcus was captured… if anyone else walked through this door, Julia wouldn't let them in._

He kneels by Julia - still breathing, unconscious, but alive. _Thank God_ , he thinks against his better judgement, and then holds his breath. _What are they going to do now? If only Erasmus was here._ Carefully, he slides his arms under Julia and picks her up. She looks entirely too small and fragile in his arms. How can such a meager frame can hold so much power?

"Marcus?" He yells, rushing up the staircase. Julia's body weighing heavier with every step, timber creaking under his feet. 

And that's when he feels it - the unspecified, but tangible change in their surroundings. Like a sudden chill after extinguishing the fire. Like the light in the room dimming for just a few seconds, blink and you miss it. He bumps into the Smith boy on the landing, eyes wide with horror.

"The barrier-" the boy mumbles. "The Inquisition! They're here!"

Just then they can hear the screech of the main doors opening behind them downstairs, the shouts and clang of armour, and boots crashing on splintery floorboards. William’s stomach drops. He’s just a runaway, he's not ready for this.

"What- what do we do?" 

The boy trembles, looking at Julia; the only person that could save them, now helplessly curled in his arms. All of them count on the one that brought them here, and convinced them to stand their ground. The person who didn’t take into account that they might lose this battle, that heroes don’t always win. 

Him. Everything depends on him now.

He passes the unconscious Julia to the boy. “Find the rest, and barricade yourself in the room at the end of the corridor. Wake Julia up. Hurry!” 

William has no idea what he’s doing, doesn’t have a plan, doesn’t even have hope anymore. Just this screaming, gut-wrenching instinct to survive. But he tries his best to look composed, to give the impression he’s in control. He’s a spiritual guide, whatever the circumstances. _He’s only a runaway._ The boy nods and they part ways. He needs to find Agnes and Joshua. He’s almost at the top, when a dark shape blocks his way. Startled, he flinches.

"Marcus? Oh, thank God! You scared me. What happened down there? No matter, the Inquisition is here and-"  
The man turns around, slowly. With his left hand he holds a torch and with his right arm… 

“Let me go!” The boy is wriggling in his grasp. 

Marcus’s face is regretful as he looks back at William. All the pieces click into place, and the colour drains away from William's face. _No, this can't be._ Whatever hope was left in him is shattered to the ground, each sharp piece cutting his heart as it fell. 

"Marcus…”  
His voice comes out more merciful than he intended, more vulnerable and completely defeated.

"There is still time to turn around, William," Marcus desperately explains himself, bites his lip. _Does he even believe it now?_ "There- there will be penance, but if you submit yourself voluntarily-"

"Let me. Go!" 

Joshua bites his forearm. An inhuman scream comes from Marcus's lungs and he drops everything, cradling his injured hand. The torch falls on the wooden treads, but they’re already running downstairs, Marcus’s threats following behind them. He's never had to run up and down the stairs so much in his life. When this is over, he doesn't want to see stairs ever again. 

“It’s me!”

He pounds at the doors, hoping everyone managed to get inside. _Everyone, but Agnes._ He’s losing people dear to him one by one. And it’s all his fault. 

_You left her behind._

I couldn't do anything… he tells himself, and the reply is brutal.

_You're a coward._

The doors open, first a sliver, then wide enough for them to stumble in. They are swiftly closed behind them, barricaded with a bookshelf. _As if that could stop the Inquisition_ , William thinks. He is panting for breath, and still clutching desperately at Joshua.

“Will, you’re hurting me.” the boy points out and only then William releases him.

“I’m sorry.”

In the centre of the room on the floor there is a circle drawn up with chalk, once glowing, now dead and broken. Four pairs of eyes turn towards him. Father Thomas and Marcus’s sister are missing; the others are here, waiting, hopeful, and it adds another wound to William’s already battered heart. Outside the shouts are getting louder, and the Inquisition is inexorably surrounding the perimeter of the building. 

They're trapped.

The silence is broken by Julia’s grumbling and moans. Her hand instinctively rushes to touch the wound on her head, healing it instantly. 

"What happened?" She demands. The tone of her voice alone lends William more strength to fight.

"I found you on the floor-"

"I remember." Her brows draw together. "That bastard! I'm going to kill him."

"Let's refrain from final, er, solutions. We have other problems - the Inquisition-"

Julia eyes the floor, "the ritual-"

"Broken, I'm afraid."

Shouts and noises draw closer. William picks Marcus's voice among them; raising, then quieting down. Someone bangs on the door. Julia jumps up, her hands immediately weaving matter between her fingers in the air, and the doors... 

The doors turn into _stone._

There are startled noises on the other side of the wall, and it makes William’s lips curl into a small smile. In a flash, Julia is by the window, gauging their options. It's so good, not having to bear this burden alone. Outside, the Inquisition's soldiers are crowding around the building. If this was a story about heroes, they would escape through the window. There would be a river and a boat with which they could run away. 

But it isn't. 

They're surrounded from all sides, by the Inquisition, by the villagers, and by the plague. 

“Any chance you can get us out of here?” William dares to ask and Julia frowns like she wants to say _who do you think I am_. Instead, she says “Not me.”

They both look back at Joshua and William freezes. The poor boy with no parents, hunted like an animal. They hadn’t even had time to resume his magic training; not since they left the cottage. Erasmus wouldn’t have allowed that, but _Erasmus isn’t here._

Julia approaches the boy and William doesn’t stop her. What impact will it have on Joshua in the long run? Is the power drain going to hurt or change him? Is this really the better choice? Joshua looks surprised, but listens and nods. William knows he will do his best.

"What's that smell?" Someone in the room asks, when the first wisps of smoke emerge from the ceiling, followed by tongues of fire. 

With horror, William remembers Marcus and his torch. _You could have prevented it_ , the voices in his head scold him.

"We just need a bit more time!" 

Julia raises her hands again, aims them at the ceiling and the fire seems to have slowed down its ravenous spread. They’re putting a lot of pressure on one five-year-old boy, William thinks. The commotion on the other side quiets down and for a short, desperate moment William thinks that maybe they’ve been left alone.

After that, everything is a blur.

The wall explodes. They're sent flying across the room, William hits the wall with his back, and something heavy lands on his left leg. The explosion has ripped clean through the wall and left a gaping hole where dust was still settling. A high pitched sound rings in his ears, and everything shakes as if about to collapse. William coughs, the smoke is scraping at his throat, making his eyes watery. The fire spreads across the ceiling, entwining beams and joists.

Blindly, he reaches out for Joshua, embraces him, covering the boy with his own body as best as he can, anticipating the inevitable, but the ceiling doesn't collapse. William turns his head to see Julia kneeling with both arms raised, and the splintered ceiling hangs in mid-air above them, frozen. There is blood trickling from her nose, and clearly this is too much, but she's not giving up.

"Joshua," she whispers. "He- he must-"

The boy's eyes are shut hard, his head covered by his hands.

"Joshua…" 

William kisses his head. Maybe it would be better if the Inquisition _did_ find him, and saved him. Maybe it's time to face the painful truth that they cannot keep him safe. _I wish Erasmus was here_ , he thinks, like he has for far too many times today. He's entirely too dependent and weak.

"We could- we could surrender." William says and reflexively tightens his grip on the boy, as if he himself cannot accept it. But he also looks at the rest of the group - they’re innocent. The Inquisition is not going to spare them, just like it's not going to spare Julia and William. He expects Julia to object strongly, it would have made things easier if she did. But she just looks at him without a word, waiting. The tension is unbearable. 

A silhouette of a person appears in the opening ripped out in the stone wall, and William wouldn't mistake that confident stride for anyone else. 

He is face to face with Lord Vitalis.

Up close, he can see Vitalis' stern features, can see the man’s piercing violet eyes and scornful smile. He is dressed in the same armour plate as before.

"You dared to raise your hand against the Inquisition? You raised your hand to everything that's holy _and_ the church _itself?"_

William shivers at the awful reminder and Vitalis sees it, a sinister smile crawls over his face. He looks at the ceiling briefly, at Julia and finally at William, gauging his chances; and then takes a step forward.

“Not another move!” 

Julia growls, her arms starting to tremble, but she is the one holding a flaming ceiling above their heads. She’s the only reason they are still alive, the only reason why the building hasn’t swallowed them whole yet.

"William. It's William, right? Think about it - you're one of us, really. If you turn the boy in, your crimes can be _forgiven."_

“I…”

William freezes, his thoughts spiraling out of control. It's been months since he let himself think he could still turn back from his path; and now it's like a punch to the guts. He thought himself lost to his church, but there is still an option for reconciliation, for redemption…

_...and this is how they convinced Marcus, he realises._

"You're not in a position to keep or let go of my sins." There is a sudden conviction in his heart, and he isn’t entirely sure how it appeared. 

"But of course I am. And what about Nicolas’s sins? Has he ever told you about them? Has he told you what he's _done?"_

William’s heart hammers in his chest. 

_What has Erasmus done?_

If he's been with the Inquisition… He didn’t think there was anything that could change his opinion of Erasmus, but the Inquisitor seems so sure - and what if there is? He wonders, still, and hates himself for it.

Vitalis looks around in search for a glimpse of that red hair. "Left you, hasn't he?" 

Torn to the bone, William doesn't respond. He curls tighter around Joshua, his back plastered to the wall behind, the only cool thing within grasp. His left leg throbs with pain. _I’m sorry, I’m sorry._

"The boy!" Vitalis tone grows harsher, commanding.

“I told you. Not. To. Move.” 

Julia grits out, the strain audible behind her words, and moves all the weight of holding the ceiling to one hand, freeing the other, which now points at Vitalis. There is a cold smile on her face, and the Inquisitor stops, words dying in his throat mid-sentence. 

“Now, let’s not…”

A spark grows in Julia’s hand as the ceiling creeps lower. She screams at the burden and the pain, screams at Vitalis all the injustice and hurt she has carried inside all this time. William presses Joshua to his chest - it’s a goodbye, he knows. He's done what he could and _it wasn't enough._

A scream leaves many throats as the spark is thrown across the room, Julia collapses, and the ceiling falls down, floor disappears from under his feet. He might be screaming, he isn’t sure. There is only heat closing in on them and smoke burning his lungs. He’s falling again.

And then.

Soft green grass under his fingers. The air around them turns suddenly fresh and clean, birds chirping in a clear sky. They lie on the grass at the edge of a familiar-looking forest, eyes wide open and disbelieving. Joshua lies limp in his arms like Julia before; unconscious, but breathing, sparrowlike. 

Words are entirely too difficult to form in the face of this impossible miracle. Julia is curled next to him on the ground, clutching her right arm that looks burnt. The Smith boy, the girl with her little brother, and the young scholar; they’re all here. Bearing some minor wounds, but all of them are _alive._

 _They are alive_ , William repeats in his head, awed.

“Joshua… he did it,” Julia whispers. William feels the sun on his face like it’s the first time and smiles, cradling the boy in his arms. 

_He saved us, he saved us all - five year old boy, The Great Warlock._

_Erasmus_ \- a sudden realisation spikes in William's mind, sends his heart into a fit of shivers. _He won't be able to find us._ He hears Agnes's words like an echo in his head, and now they make sense. He clutches onto them as if his very existence depends on it: 

_You will see Erasmus again._

**** roll up credits ***  
[ [Aurora - Runaway] ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_HlPboLRL8)

_I was listening to the ocean  
I saw a face in the sand  
But when I picked it up  
Then it vanished away from my hands, down_

_I had a dream I was seven  
Climbing my way in a tree  
I saw a piece of heaven  
Waiting patiently for me, down_

_And I was running far away  
Would I run off the world someday?  
Nobody knows, nobody knows_

_And I was dancing in the rain  
I felt alive and I can't complain_

_But now take me home  
Take me home where I belong  
I can't take it anymore_

_I was painting a picture  
The picture was a painting of you  
And for a moment I thought you were there  
But then again, it wasn't true_

_And all this time I have been lying  
Oh, lying in secret to myself  
I've been putting sorrow on the farthest place on my shelf_

_La di da!_

_Now take me home  
Take me home where I belong  
I got no other place to go_

_Now take me home  
Take me home where I belong  
I can't take it anymore_

_But I kept running for a soft place to fall  
And I kept running for a soft place to fall_

_Now take me home, home where I belong  
Now take me home, home where I belong_


	10. The Parting of the Ways (s02 ep05)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I can’t find you, I can’t find you -”
> 
> Splintered wood cracks like match-sticks next to the remaining rubble and the roof collapses just as Erasmus drops to his knees.  
> (Includes a scene from the Slow Show)
> 
> *  
> Erasmu's POV - take one (the scene which gives Anthony J Crowley BAFTA for Best Drama Performance)  
> Also a fair warning - this chapter contains a fair amount of angst, you might want to wait until it's resolved in Chapter 12.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, really sorry for the long wait, but unfortunately life got in the way... (coronavirus and resulting from it job issues, then writer's block... it all spiraled a bit), but I'm back now with the rest of the season already plotted and most of the chapters already drafted so I think it's safe to say we're back on schedule! 
> 
> Sorry to everyone who waited and thank you so much for your patience and your following, it means the world to me 💖

Episode 5

It took Erasmus longer than he hoped to get the horses. The accomplice whose help he planned on counting on had died of the plague. Horses were scarce, although he didn't know why he was surprised - the Inquisition had already passed through here, taking whatever they deemed useful. 

_Curse William's kind hearted nature! If only they weren’t trying to save so many people… This was starting to get ridiculous._

When Erasmus had met William for the first time, he hadn’t thought much of him. He was just another priest, with a world limited by the four walls of his church. Oblivious - whether by choice or by chance - and just living his comfortable life in a plush position, far from politics, Inquisition or the plague. He wasn’t involved and had no reason to involve himself. He’d had no need to pick sides, no strings attached, nothing.

It wasn’t new; he'd seen it before - everyone they met on the road wanted only one thing, and that was for them to be gone, without even knowing who Joshua really was. One by one, people closed their doors and hearts, and turned their eyes away from the little boy in need. 

Erasmus had stopped being disappointed long ago and adapted - his knife worked just as well to help people change their priorities.

William had had no more reason to get involved in this than anyone else they’d encountered; but when the Inquisition knocked on his doors he had offered - _offered_ \- to hide them, out of his own free will. _Without_ Erasmus having to threaten him.

(He didn't know what, exactly, he could have threatened him with, but he would have definitely tried).

Somewhere at the back of his skull lingers a buried thought; that the priest could have easily handed them over to the Inquisition, and Erasmus could have done _nothing_ about it.

Still, Erasmus didn't trust William. He didn't trust anyone who believed themselves to have a monopoly on morality. Whether his desire to help was genuine or not, one good deed didn’t make him holy.

In Erasmus's experience people like that all had one thing in common - a breaking point, a line they wouldn't dare to cross, limits of how far they were willing to go to prove that they are 'good'.

He didn't believe in 'good', or any other four letter words for that matter.

The priest's reasoning was the first thing that surprised him. He was quick-witted, open minded and smart. They could talk about theology for hours and William wouldn't use a cheap excuse to get out of it. He didn't try to defend his belief at all costs; he was open to questions.

And then, William went and saved his fucking life.

Erasmus remembers kneeling in the pool of blood, whispering desperately: _'Angel, don't,’_ not knowing if William would survive, whimpering unintelligible _'help him's'_ to Julia. Back then he would have done anything to undo this. 

Anything. For a priest. 

Life had a sense of irony.

Unfortunately, William's worldview won't save them now.

Erasmus takes what he needs to survive - for the boy to survive - because he has to. Yes, he might be just like the Inquisition; but, unlike them, he never takes more than necessary. _These poor people need horses for ploughing, to sustain themselves. What will happen to them now?_ Erasmus tries not to dwell on it too much.

Four horses is all he manages to get. Erasmus makes a make-shift lead-ropes for the other three horses and ties it to the back of his saddle. It isn’t enough for the lot of them, even after he imagines all the possible configurations in his head, trying to work out how they can all fit. He was supposed to get five, but they can’t wait. He can almost see the faint glow of sunrise on the horizon. They need to leave by dawn.

_Fuck._

Rushing like crazy to their agreed meeting point, he hopes that Marcus had timed their escape well enough, hating that he had to count on people again. But he's not counting on Marcus, he tells himself, he’s counting on his survival instinct. And that, Marcus had in abundance.

 _'I trust you,'_ The sudden memory pops into his mind and William's words ring in his head with such intensity that he feels dizzy, making him rush his horse even more. 

_Fucking William! How dare you trust me knowing I've been a lord in the fucking Inquisition? I don't even trust me._

The trees he passes by blur together into one, wind whistles in his ears as he rides like a madman back towards the darkness and the night, trying to outrun the sunlight that is gaining on him behind his back.

Then, in front of him - a darker shadow - smoke rising in the air like a ghost heralding the worst possible news. _You’ve failed, you’re too late._

"No. No, no no!" In a blink Erasmus cuts off the ropes for other horses that were tied to the back of his saddle and surges forward, gripping his steed's reins so hard his knuckles hurt. "Please, not the church! If anything happens to them -!" He can't bring himself to finish the thought.

Even from behind the trees, he can see the fire in all it's terrible might, already starting to die out, having consumed everything there was to eat. It leaves skeleton walls, charred wood, and ashes, and the shell of what was once a tall and sturdy building. There is no Inquisition in sight.  
There is no one at all.

"William! Julia!" He calls, riding around the site, but there is no answer. Cold sweat appears on his forehead and he finally dares to dismount the horse in a fumbling slide of askew limbs and approach the building.

“I can’t find you, I can’t find you -”

Splintered wood cracks like match-sticks next to the remaining rubble and the roof collapses just as he drops to his knees. 

_'...catch the child at all cost, dead or alive. If we have to burn the church, we will!'_

Vitalis had threatened them, but maybe… _maybe they were taken captive_ , he reasons with himself. 

_Julia wouldn't allow that. Vitalis wouldn't risk it, he knows.  
What had gone wrong? _

There is something wet on his face, uncontrollably spilling down his cheeks, his jaw. There is pain slowly rising from deep within his chest, like a flood he tries to stop, but cannot. 

It comes out full of force, as a tortured, agonising scream that hurts his throat. “Bastards! All of you!”  
The words echo off the crumbling walls and reverberate back at him. _All of you, all of you._

Erasmus screams his choked grief and scorched heart out of his lungs. He screams all the ways he failed. Again. He screams until his chest aches and he has no more strength to stand, and then, heavy with panic, he falls forward to his hands, nails digging into the dirt until they hurt. 

A cry - a howl, shrill and deafening, comes - torn straight from his broken heart as it shatters to the ground. _How much grief can one person handle?_ Erasmus's whole chest feels swollen with pain, and every strangled breath sends a wave of spikes against the wound that has lodged itself next to his heart, full of grief and regret. 

He is so lost in his hurt that he doesn't notice the person that sneaks up on him, he doesn't notice the raised hand with a stone. He doesn't notice, or chooses to ignore it - what difference does it make now? What is his life worth when everything you ever cared for is lost? 

There is a spike of pain at his temple when a blunt object strikes his head. The world disappears and he floats into the darkness.

***

In the distance a silhouette of a familiar village appears before William and his group. He recognises the quirky shapes of its roofs and half-timbered houses - they had used to come here with Erasmus, so long ago now. Somewhere behind them lies a little cottage where they had spent close to a year hiding. He would be anxious about it if Julia hadn’t convinced him that the Inquisition won't be looking for them here, not now. Why had Joshua transported them _here?_

They march on, bruised and battered, but _alive_. William’s leg throbs with pain, but he tries to ignore it. It's patched up to the best of his ability, which is to say, decent enough, considering having no access to herbs and bandages.

To his left, four people - whose names, to his horror, he can't even recall - trail behind them. They don’t complain, but their stuck-to-the-ground gazes speak more than a thousand words. William knows it’s his fault for dragging them into this. 

He looks to the side at Julia, her arms covered with an old plaid shawl. Through the open weave he can see her skin charred to the shoulder. He doesn't dare to ask. 

In her arms she carries Joshua, still deep in his sleep. They’d tried waking him up, gently, and then less gently. They’d tried shouting and on one occasion even shaking him by the shoulders. Nothing worked. William feared the worst, but Julia said she could still sense the life in him.

She’d tried scanning for any survivors on the astral plane, but there were none. Neither father Thomas, who wasn’t with them when the fire broke out, nor Marcus who trusted the Inquisition with his life. Not even Agnes. No one else, except… Erasmus. That was a relief, but there was no way of contacting him without alerting the Inquisition.

_'You will see Erasmus again'._

Agnes's words ring in his head helplessly. If she knew what would happen, why didn't she tell them more? Why didn't she save herself? He clenches his fists.

It's terrifying, but also a fitting punishment for his sins, for all the impossible things he had dared to wish for. _Maybe that's it, maybe the temptation is over_ … he thinks with no small amount of regret. Maybe he won't see Erasmus ever again. 

It’s time to let go. 

They reach the village before sunset. From the moment they walk past the bridge it becomes apparent how the Inquisition, and the plague have already reached it. If William didn’t know better, he’d think it was abandoned. There is not a living soul on the streets, shutters are closed, every now and then they pass a doorway with a white cross painted over it. 

They exchange meaningful glances and direct their steps towards the nearest tavern. As everyone walks in, William locks his eyes on the small church at the other end of the street. It strikes him that he’s never visited it before. How ironic. There is a sudden need surging between his ribs, urging him to go in. 

“I’ll be back,” he motions at Julia and hobbles on.

It’s plain, square in shape and clad with dark wood panels. There are no decorations at all, save for a small ridge turret and a simple carving of a flame hanging above the doorway. Reluctantly, he pushes the door open.

It’s just as simple inside, all wooden with nowhere to sit. Evening light trickles in through the small windows, illuminating silverish cobwebs hidden in every corner of the chamber. He looks up, and on the flat timber ceiling there is a painting of a demon, abhorrent and contorted, being pinned down to the ground by flaming spears. 

As if that's what a temptation looks like. 

"The priest died of plague." 

A voice comes out of nowhere and it makes William jump. Once he calms his nerves he looks to his side to see a frail old woman staring at the altar. 

“I’m sorry, have I startled you?” She presents her broom, "I come here to dust off the room, but I seem to be the only one. If only..." She says, and sighs as if wanting to say more, but deciding against it.

William’s heart beats faster with that old need he abandoned a long time ago, now flourishing with a new power; and he realises how much he wants it, how much he missed it. To feel he’s a part of something greater than himself.

 _But I can't_ , he remembers and hangs his head in shame, trying to conceal the tremble in his hands. Suddenly the pain in his leg shots up and he drops to his knees, clutching the dirty rag around his shin.

"Oh! You’re hurt! I'm a herbalist, I can help. Wait a moment..." She rushes away and out of sight.

 _You can help them, it's what you do, what you're here for_ , a thought rings in his head in father Thomas's voice. Another ghost to haunt his mind forever. It might actually be good for him to stay here, wear that familiar robe that feels rough against his body and smells of incense. Smells like home. 

Julia comes in just as the old woman ties new dressing around his leg. William mumbles some _thank yous_ and promises to repay her, then, with mixed feelings, limps towards Julia, who manages to find a bale of hay to sit on in the corner. Her almost-black hair catches the last rays of the darkening sun.

She slouches, wrapping the plaid shawl tighter around herself. There are bags under her eyes and that sparkle they had once held is gone.

"You okay?" William slumps next to her.

"Yeah - I think so.”

"Joshua?"

"Still _asleep_... He’s breathing, but…” she bites her lip. “There must be something - this was not supposed to happen.” She takes out a small flask and takes a large sip from it. “If all is lost because of me -”

“It’s not your fault, you’ve had no choice!” William cuts in and she smiles wretchedly, like she wants to say _of course it is,_ but remains silent. “I’m sure you’ll find a way.”

There is an awkward silence for a while, during which he clasps and unclasps his hands, and straightens up his robe. He didn’t spend much time alone with Julia before. Somehow there was always… Erasmus.

"What about your arm? The healer here-"

"No." She cuts him off, covers her arm protectively. William frowns, but she looks at him apologetically. Somehow she managed to age ten years within the last few days. _And - oh, is that the first grey hair on her temple?_ "It's not- it can't be-" she sighs. "It's a magically inflicted wound."

"It's what?"

"I've used more energy than my body can produce so it transformed the next available thing."

"Your arm…"

"Yes." 

There is a sense of trepidation growing within him as he realises…. “Is that- is this what happened to…”

“Yes.”

She takes another swing from her flask and this time she passes it on to William. His eyes linger on it for a while as he hesitates, but accepts it eventually. It smells much stronger than any alcohol he’s tasted before, but takes the sip nonetheless only to end up in a coughing fit. Julia laughs at him, but somehow it sounds hollow.

"Too strong, eh?"

"A bit." He manages, red-faced. 

"Erasmus's favourite." she says, William’s heart constricts and his face goes redder still. He knows Julia misses him just as much, maybe more. But unlike him, one day she will be able to seal that gaping hole in her heart. 

"He'll find us eventually." William says and it's not just empty words. 

"No, he won't."

Julia rejects the offered hope without hesitation. William can't blame her. If not for Agnes, he would reject it too.

 _You will see Erasmus again._ Those words give him shivers still. Why did she tell him that? He wished she hadn't. It's a torture on its own, leaving him to wonder how and when it's going to happen, or if he’ll be able to contain himself; and at the same time, it leaves him worrying that it might not happen at all. He wished she hadn’t said anything at all.

To preserve his sanity, he has to let go. 

“I don’t suppose you’ve picked up on Agnes’s… um, vital signs."  
Julia sighs and shakes her head, and then, as if to cheer him up: “But there are many things that could block her out of my sight, I think she possesses… unusual abilities.”

"What about the Inquisition, can they trace us? The… jump I mean -" The look on Julia's face is unusual, her brows drawn together, and she closes her eyes.

"I don't know." She admits eventually and William realises with horror that they've just reached the limit of her knowledge. Like a child, he let himself believe that there isn't anything she wouldn't know, because she has explained to him a world of magic that William had known nothing about. They're in uncharted waters now. 

“Ah,” William taps his head and produces a small notebook with a black cover from the folds of his robe. “I’ve been meaning to give this to you.”

Julia takes it curiously and flips the pages, staring at it with disbelief. "You've finished it… the translation!" She looks for what William knows must be the next prophecy, something that will tell her what to do.

But there isn't one. William read the stanzas so many times he memorised some of them.

_The Light will be divided and will travel to the ends of the earth to shine for everyone._

Julia must have reached the same conclusion, because she sighs and closes the book, and passes it back to William. He stares at it, but doesn't reach out. It's difficult and a novelty, saying no, disappointing people, but he's made up his mind.

"Keep it, because I-" he licks his lips, uncertain still if he can manage this. "I'm staying here."

He knew it was coming, but still; nothing could have prepared him for the look of shock and confusion on her face, and William has to look away. It feels like a betrayal. Maybe it is one. 

"I’ve thought about this - I am only slowing you down. Twice now, you’ve almost died because of me. I am of no use to you, but- but here… Here I can truly make a difference.”

Julia looks at him sternly, then she looks around as if only now recognising their surroundings. Her eyes soften and she nods.

“I understand," and then after a while: “I will miss you.”

Unexpectedly, she pulls him into a hug, then wipes her cheek, which is just as wet as William's.

Only now, he realises the finality of his decision and a sudden sorrow wells up in him and tightens his throat. He can't shake off the feeling that something ends here - is ending here, and that this chapter of his life is over. 

The witch takes out a small token from her pocket and presents it on her palm. "If you'll ever need to reach me-"

"No," William closes her hand before she can react. "I can't, it's too dangerous." He looks up at her face regretfully, but it's the right thing to do and they both know that.

Julia nods in understanding, maybe even with something resembling approval for his choices in the tilt of her head and the set of her jaw, and stands up.

"I'm leaving tomorrow. If you want to say goodbye -"

William nods. Joshua won't remember this, might not even remember him at all. 

It's time to let go. 

This whole trip since he left his church in Neath up until this point has broken his worldview into many pieces, like shards of glass that didn't fit together anymore. But, piece by piece he’s put them back together and bound them - seams like scars on his heart running along its veins. 

Broken, but whole again. 

End of season 2

**** roll up credits ***  
[ [Look on Down From the Bridge - Mazzy Star]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LwVXkM_YxMg)

_Look on down from the bridge  
There's still fountains down there  
Look on down from the bridge  
It's still raining, up here_

_Everybody seems so far away from me  
Everybody just wants to be free  
Look away from the sky  
It's no different when you're leaving home_

_I can't be the same thing to you now  
I'm just gone, just gone  
How could I say goodbye  
How could I say goodbye_

_Goodbye_

_Maybe I'll just place my hands over you  
And close my eyes real tight  
There's a light in your eyes_

_And you know, yeah, you know_  
Look on down from the bridge  
I'm still waiting for you 


	11. No hero (s03 ep01)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erasmus is no hero, not a martyr, not even a bloody rebel. He’s a fool who thought that his life might mean something.
> 
> or
> 
> Erasmus's adventures, the sequel ('fuck' word count: 8)

Season 3  
Episode 1

Erasmus grumbles and opens his eyes to a clear blue sky and finds it moving above him. There's something weird about it, and he squints his eyes. He's pretty sure last time he checked it wasn't criss-crossed with metal wires.

_Oh._

There is pain in his right temple, his hand rushes to touch the tender spot, and as if on cue it triggers a nasty headache. It's nothing in comparison to the ache that floods his heart as the memories of last night come crashing down on him without warning.

“Fucking hell." He mutters, glancing around and sitting upright in his cage. It’s positioned on a simple wagon with familiar-looking horses tied behind it.

_Oh._

“Woken up, have you?”

The man addressing him sits at the front of the wagon and doesn't even spare him a glance. And why would he, when he's twice Erasmus's size?

"You fucking thief!"

"I'm a thief now?" The man raises his voice and glances back. Erasmus shuts up, and he supposes he deserves it. Being caged for stealing a few horses is hardly the worst that could have happened to him.

Well, maybe he's wrong and that cross between monkey and a man driving the cart is only leading the horses back to their owners…?

_Yeah, right. Because that's how the world works._

Erasmus purses his lips and drops back to the floor, resigning himself to observing the moving landscape with his arms crossed.

A hurried inspection of all his hidden weapons proves that the man isn't a complete amateur, and has only missed a small push dagger that Erasmus had hidden in the heel of his boot. At the first opportunity, he's going to leg it.

"Where are you taking me?"

"Oh, I know just the right place where you can wash off your sins."

Erasmus's heart plunges down his ribcage. "You can't mean -"

"The Inquisition."

The word sticks in him like a thorn in his chest, hits him like a ton of bricks, spreading dread through his veins like a wildfire. He didn't particularly care about dying, but being burnt alive at the stake and tortured beforehand was an entirely different matter.

“Look, you don’t have to do this,” Erasmus pulls himself back together, and speaks with the most charming of tones. "What do you want? Money? I have money. I could-"

"Suddenly scared, eh? The man cuts in, and Erasmus shuts up, his mouth drawing into a thin line.

"There aren't many good things one can say about the Inquisition, but at least the crime rate has dropped. No one dares to do bad when the consequences are so severe. Well, almost no one." He gives Erasmus a once over.

Of all the people in the world, he had to come across some justice warrior.

_Fuck._

*

The Inquisition has a penchant for the dramatic, Erasmus has to admit. This time their residence is some sort of fortified monastery at the edge of a cliff, complete with ominous fog . The place couldn’t have been more eerie if they tried, and he has to give them credit for the pathetic fallacy.

There is a decree, Erasmus knows, which allows them to overtake any property in the ownership of the clergy as their own. Anyone who opposes it is thrown to jail with a sentence on par with that of the heretics.

By the time they reach the monastery's heavy gates, Erasmus has already tried threatening, pleading and on one occasion even faked crying to escape. All for nought. His push dagger is not much help inside of his cage, but despite his pleas, the thug doesn’t let him out, not even to have a piss. He covers his head with a hood, tucks all the loose hair strands in, hoping to pass off as a regular peasant.

They go through the gates.

The thug talks with someone, is given a coin or two - _fuck, is that how little his life is worth?_ \- and the cage opens and two soldiers escort him to an underground cell, where they unceremoniously throw him in, with the rest of the alleged heretics.

Fuck it all, he couldn't have ended up in a worse position if he tried.

_But what if…?_ A bold idea appears in his mind _. If he isn't getting out of this alive anyway, what if his death could at least be... meaningful? _( _'Heroic'_ is not a word he would ever describe himself with, he wouldn’t dare.)__

His imagination goes wild at that, and he dreams of all the possible ways he could sink his dagger into Vitalis's throat. It’s a soothing thought.

There’s only one thing he’s ever done right in his life, the only thing that mattered - he saved the child - not only for the world, but from the world, too.

If only he knew, if he could go back, protect it all again. Everything he’s ever loved in this world has been short-lived, too precious and pure to survive on its own. Erasmus would protect it all - at all cost - if only he could get another chance. He’ll have to find a way, think of something.

That’s alright, he realises. He can reign his anger in, and just wait for the right moment to get his hands on Vitalis. As much as he doesn’t believe in destiny, he can’t stop thinking that maybe that's what he’s here for, maybe it’s meant to be.

If what he thinks is true and Joshua didn't survive the fire, then the only thing he can do now is this.

A guard walks past and Erasmus lowers his hood down, puts his red locks on display like a badge of honor. He slips his small dagger from the heel of his shoe into his sleeve, and approaches the bars.

"You, there!" He calls.

The guard stops and looks back.

"You moron, don't you know who I am? Tell Vitalis that Lord Nicolas is here! You hunt me for years and can't even find me in your own bloody dungeon."

The guard comes closer and his survival instinct suddenly kicks in, slows the time down and makes his heart beat faster, adrenaline replacing the fear that swims in his blood.

_You could sink your dagger in his throat, reach out for the keys, run away and disappear forever,_ he thinks.

_You will always be running _,__ _another, harsher voice tells him. _If you hadn’t run away from the church like a coward in the first place-__

__

Erasmus silences his thoughts and stands still. It all takes approximately a heartbeat, the moment passes and the guard walks away.

__

*

__

They lead him through the dark corridors and winding steps. He hardly fails to notice various torture objects on the walls, mostly makeshift and simple, but he shudders, not even thinking about himself, but all the people that will end up in those cells being forced to repent. The very blood in his veins runs cold.

__

He is forced to sit before a table with both hands shackled behind his back (he was rather hoping they would use ropes). To add to that, there is a guard standing by his side. This isn't going well, but he leans back anyway, and tries to look at ease, like the lord returned they think he is.

__

There is another person in the chamber with them - a relatively young-looking woman with short dark hair, dressed in a rough grey tunic.

__

"Nicolas! I knew we would meet again."

__

Vitalis comes in and smiles broadly. It twists an ugly burn scar on his cheek. The rest of his body is covered, but Erasmus gets the impression that it isn't a small injury - and that its source isn't completely natural either.

__

"Holy fire has finally cleansed you - or is that a souvenir from a sorcerer?"

__

There is a punch to his guts coming from the guard standing to his side. It makes him curl in on himself windedly, but he regrets nothing; and when he looks up again he's still smiling.

__

Vitalis is unfazed.

__

"Not exactly the circumstances I was hoping for, but we always rejoice over a prodigal son coming back home."

__

"Back into the wolves' den, you mean."

__

"Indeed. And I wonder - why would he do that? Why so desperate? Perhaps he didn't know that his witch managed to escape with the boy? Is that it?"

__

Erasmus's eyes grow wide and his gaze shoots up to look at Vitalis before he can stop himself, revealing in them more than he wished. His fragile heart beating faster, like a bird taking to the air.

__

_They're alive! You absolute idiot! They're alive and you've got yourself captured like the last fool on earth!_

__

He wants to ask about William, he desperately needs to know, but… he can't endanger him, can't give them more information than they already have.

__

The smile on Vitalis's face widens, a gory grin that shows off his yellow teeth and he leans over to Erasmus."All correct so far?"

__

_Fuck you,_ he wants to yell, and feels the words stick at the back of his throat. But there's something else too, something much more important than his anger and the need to lash out.

__

"And- and the rest?"

__

"Really, Nick? I'd never have taken you for one to care about collateral damage. You will see the old witch soon enough and Marcus - if you must know, Marcus was an idiot thinking he could strike a deal with an Inquisitor - a peasant like him, can you imagine!? Pitiful. But you-" He comes closer and grabs Erasmus by his hair "You still can."

__

The blood in his veins run cold as the meaning of her words fully reach him, making his hands clench into fists, nails digging deep crescents into his palms. His breath hitches as the only thing he can think now is that’s not- it can’t be. That would mean… it means it's all his fault.

__

"I don't know where they are. And even if I knew, I wouldn't tell you."

__

"Details, details." Vitalis waves his hand in the air. "We don't need you to know - your emotional connection with them will suffice."

__

Erasmus's heart tightens, unsure what that means.

__

"You and Julia - two lonely souls on the road together. Maybe not straight away, perhaps uninvited, but sooner or later, emotions are bound to get in the way."

__

Erasmus looks away, he's not going to deny or confirm anything until he knows exactly where this is going. Vitalis must take his reaction as a yes, because he continues.

__

"Seers don't have enough power to see beyond the veil of the... astral plane." He says and winces, makes a sign of the god as if to repent for even mentioning it. _They're so afraid of magic_ , Erasmus thinks.

__

Vitalis continues," but, amplifying it with something sentimental, personal feelings for example - that has yielded some results in the past."

__

"In the past," He repeats surprised, his muscles tense and then... relax as he realises something and a smirk slowly surfaces on his face. "Didn't work on Agnes, did it?"

__

The smile on Vitalis's face fades in turn.

__

"She's a witch, God knows what demons are in her head." His brows draw together and Erasmus knows him well enough to realise he's not being told the whole story. "You, on the other hand should prove much easier to work with - a clean slate, so to say."

__

Vitalis nods to the woman in grey, who has been silently standing by the wall up until this point. She approaches and places both of her hands on Erasmus's head.

__

"No!" He wriggles, helplessly trying to break free, but the shackles hold him firmly in place. His hands are twisted behind his back and that pitifully small knife is by his forearm and out of reach.

__

"Relax, it doesn't hurt."

__

Small hands land on his head despite his protests, and indeed, it doesn't hurt, not really. It's just a tingling sensation - like a brush on your bare heart, testing what you are really made of - mixed with a weird sense of awareness that someone is trying to read your mind without speaking the language.

__

It doesn't hurt, but it's exhausting and he feels drained dry of all the energy he's ever had. Hazily he sees Vitalis, who seems unhappy about something, because he's frowning and shouting at the woman - the Seer - who shakes her head.

__

"More time." He makes out the words through the haze. "I need more time."

__

*

__

Afterwards, he is thrown into a different cell, much smaller and colder, somewhere deeper underground with the icy metal shackles still tight on his wrists.

__

_Great, that went well._

__

The cold floor pressed against his back is giving him chills, but he's too tired to curl up in the corner, too tired to even move his limbs. He heaves his head to the side and his eyes fall on the prisoner in the neighbouring cell - an older woman with dark hair sits absolutely still at the middle of it. Her eyes seem to meet his, although there is something distant in them. As if she was somewhere else.

__

Erasmus bursts out laughing, and it sounds mad, because frankly it's all too much at this point.

__

"You! It's all your fault!"

__

The anger flooding his veins gives him new strength and he crawls towards her - towards Agnes, hands wrapping tightly on the metal between them.

__

"What did the Inquisition offer you in exchange?" He grits out through clenched teeth. "Not that it really matters, since you ended up here with me anyway."

__

Agnes tilts her head and stares at him in silence in that really unnerving way she has, and fuck, he can’t read her at all.

__

"If I made a deal with Vitalis I wouldn't be here."

__

Words. Good. He can work with words.

__

"You would be, I can tell you as much - just look what happened to Marcus." He gestures to the floor which he hopes is understood as six feet under.

__

"He was brave, but lost." She muses thoughtfully.

__

"If you didn't appear out of nowhere, didn't tell us to set up that bloody ritual-"

__

"Then all of us would be here now."

__

Erasmus grinds his teeth in anger, but Agnes stays calm and it infuriates him even more. She continues:

__

"Imagine a burning house with twelve people locked inside. You are sure you can save some of them, you don’t know what happens if you don’t do anything. What would you do?"

__

Erasmus doesn’t answer, but he knows what he’d say; that he'd get involved and would do everything he could. He knows that. And then, at the end, he’d probably chastise himself for not doing more.

__

Exhaustion gets to him now that his anger is wearing off, he slumps and curls into a ball on the floor. Maybe he will have an idea of how to get out of this mess in the morning.

__

"Sometimes you do everything correctly and you still lose." Agnes says sagely.

__

"Could you please shut up? I'm trying to sleep over here."

__

"You can close your mind to what the Inquisition is trying to do, you know."

__

“Thanks a bloody lot! Why didn't I think about it?” Erasmus snaps. “Oh wait, maybe because I'm not a bloody witch!”

__

Agnes sighs, but otherwise remains collected and calm. It actively grates on Erasmus's nerves.

__

"Every living thing has a spark of magic in them. You can tap into it, unless you spend your whole life repressing it. You don't need much."

__

"Right," He says laughing humourlessly. "That easy, huh?"

__

"Never said it was easy, but you don't have to make a hero of yourself to make a difference. You just need enough to draw their attention away, a strong memory. Something painful, perhaps."

__

_Oh yeah, that's a bloody great idea._

__

The worst part is that it wouldn't even be that difficult - his life is dotted with true gems throughout - like all those times his father blamed him for how Mother died, or the first time he was beaten up for sneaking out into a brothel.

__

That’s what he was - a taint on the otherwise blameless family, an inconvenience, like he was born at the wrong place and time. No one needed him, no one wanted him. He just… got by, and as long as he was moving forward, it was fine.

__

Carefully, he had sealed all those memories in a box and tucked it at the back of his mind, resolving to never reach for them again. Relieving them would be just the right amount of painful, but he supposes wallowing in self-pity is hardly the worst thing one can be forced to do to survive.

__

He doesn’t deceive himself - he never deserved to be saved and he wouldn’t want anyone risking their life for him - not for this nothingness that he’s become, a liar and charlatan. At this point it was easier to describe him by the things he was not than the things he was - the absence he became, a gaping hole in the blanket of reality, darkness, defined by the world encompassed around it.

__

If God existed, he’d forgotten about them, and the plague was just another proof of it.

__

“It would be a shame if it turned out that you aren’t really as close with Julia as they seem to think.”

__

Erasmus turns his head to look at Agnes again, and she has that cheeky grin on her face that suggests that there is more to the inane statement than she’s saying. How much does she know?

__

“Tell me, did-” he starts, but it comes out too highly-pitched and he coughs, and settles himself. “Did anyone else… survive the fire?”  
Tell me, please. You know what I’m asking for, tell me-

__

“I don’t know. Marcus knocked me out before the fire started.”

__

“What about your powers? Your magical connection or whatever, you can check-”

__

“I can’t.” Agnes looks at Erasmus, and he gets chills. “I’m sorry.”

__

*

__

The next time Erasmus is brought into the cell with the dark haired Seer, he opens up the box and surrenders himself. Focuses on the ugly contents within, forcing himself to revel in it. Whatever it does, it must be working, because the woman frowns again and Vitalis looks unhappy.

__

And then he learns that the whole process doesn't hurt, unless you try to resist it.

__

_It’s fine. It’s fine. It could have been much worse._

__

It goes on like this for a while. Erasmus doesn’t complain.He’s covering for all of them, and it’s his own fault he’s ended up in here. He’s no hero, not a martyr, not even a bloody rebel. He’s a fool who thought that his life might mean something.

__

And then, one day, something changes.

__

"Erasmus, listen. Whatever happens, don't try to break me out of here, don't tell Julia I’m here. Don’t tell anyone.”

__

Erasmus stares at Agnes, or at her back, precisely speaking. How exactly was he supposed to do that? And even if he could, he’s not entirely sure he would even want to do it.

__

There is not enough time to ask. A soldier comes in to open his cell and next to him-

__

Next to him, Erasmus knows, stands no one else, but the Grand Inquisitor himself. He smiles, but only partially, and pierces Erasmus with his cold blue eyes. He looks younger in person - and fuck, does Erasmus really think the man looks handsome?

__

"Looks like it's your lucky day. You’re free to go - you just need to carry out a little message for me."

__

“And what if I refuse?”

__

Erasmus tries not to stutter and mostly manages. The Grand Inquisitor smiles broadly.

__

“Well, obviously Agnes won’t live to a ripe old age, but don’t worry. I don’t expect it will come to that. Eventually, you'll lead me to the boy. If you won't find them, they'll find you."

__

__

**** roll up credits ***  
[ [First Aid Kit - Silver Lining]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKL4X0PZz7M)

__

_I don't want to wait anymore I'm tired of looking for answers  
Take me some place where there's music and there's laughter_

__

_I don't know if I'm scared of dying but I'm scared of living too fast, too slow  
Regret, remorse, hold on, oh no I've got to go_

__

_There's no starting over, no new beginnings, time races on  
And you've just gotta keep on keeping on_

__

_Gotta keep on going, looking straight out on the road  
Can't worry 'bout what's behind you or what's coming for you further up the road_

__

_I try not to hold on to what is gone, I try to do right what is wrong  
I try to keep on keeping on, Yeah I just keep on keeping on_

__

_I hear a voice calling  
Calling out for me  
These shackles I've made in an attempt to be free  
Be it for reason, be it for love  
I won't take the easy road_

__

_I won't take the easy road_  
The easy road, the easy road  
Show me my silver lining, I try to keep on keeping on  
Show me my silver lining, I try to keep on keeping on

__  



	12. Heart's desire (s03 ep02)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It has taken all the strength he had to put himself back together, shard by shard, and all it takes now is one conversation, one touch, one glance at the perfect face for all the pieces to spill back at his feet again. The pieces don't match. They never did. 
> 
> (...and there was only one bed....again.)  
> (Includes a scene from the Slow Show)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE NOTE I've decided to hike the rating from T to M (MATURE), so expect some scenes leaning towards _love_ territory, but all of which will focus on EMOTIONS.  
> (If that's not your thing, please skip the ending of this chapter)
> 
> Thank you @vintgecar-but-onfire and @kaiannanthi for having a look at this chapter and weeding through my grammar and for pushing me to write better;)

Episode 2

_Two months later_

William didn't think about Erasmus so much these days - it was easier without him around. He worried every day - of course he did - and prayed for his survival, but the hungry want in his spine had faded and become a half-forgotten memory, sparked only occasionally on a particular lonely night by one persisting dream.

Sometimes he would look in the direction of their old cottage, wondering if it was still there, but he never dared to venture into the forest. Most days there was no time to think about anything anymore as he busied himself with work at the church. 

Whenever he wasn't officiating church ceremonies, he wrote treatises and pamphlets to be distributed in nearby parishes. Translating them into layman’s terms also sparked interest in his own town, to William's uttermost delight, despite (or possibly because of) his teachings being less aligned with those of the church.

At the very top of his favourite theses were those denouncing the hypocrisy and immorality of those in the church's hierarchy, and the division of politics and religion. Also that repentance couldn't be forced - all very bold statements of which he was rather proud. [1]

Of course, that technically counted as heresy, at least by the Inquisition's standards; but he couldn't bring himself to preach anything that was against his conscience. Not anymore.

He would have never done this if it wasn’t for Erasmus.

Among other things, he’d immersed himself into the life of the little town. Helping people - and in particular his own community - brought him joy, so when one of the faithful told him there was a new arrival apparently drinking himself to death in the tavern, William armed himself with his most relevant pamphlets and marched on.

What he expected was another soul who’d lost everything; either to the Inquisition or the plague, and - in the most part - he wasn't wrong. 

Once he walks into the inn, he immediately catches sight of the complete mess of a man sprawled across the table in the darkest corner of the building. Even in the dim light of the tavern William can see his head buried in his arms, the tankard of ale in front of him, mumbling incomprehensibly to himself. 

_Well, that's going to be a tough one._

As William steps closer, candlelight dances over the man's hair, making it blaze fiercely and William's stomach twists into a knot. 

_It can’t be…_

The thought alone makes William lose balance and he stumbles, catching the nearest timber post in the last moment.

The noise must have broken whatever train of thought the man was currently in, because he fell silent, jerking his head upwards and William was entirely not ready for this. 

Once impeccably kept hair is now tousled and sticking in weird directions, and there are _tears_ smudged across his face., But the most heartbreaking change is in his eyes - the disbelief and slow realisation eventually giving space to utter shock. His jaw drops open as he points towards William and mumbles something unintelligible.

With heart hammering wildly in his chest, William closes the remaining distance between them and smiles. His trembling hands are already reaching out for the proof that it's real - but before he can touch, Erasmus stumbles out of his seat and drunkenly tugs at William’s sleeve.

_It's real._

They both look down and back at each other in shock. William, through the mist in his own eyes, trying to contain the vast chasm opening in his heart.

“I thought you were - I couldn’t find you.” Erasmus mumbles and William’s heart clenches. There’s a thorn piercing it and staying there.

 _Of course,_ Erasmus didn’t even know they were _alive… Oh God._

“It’s all right, I’m right here -”

Words spill frantically from Erasmus's mouth and William feels he's made entirely of shattered glass.

“The boy -"

“He’s safe.”

“Are you hurt? Are you -"

“I said I’m -"

Before William can react, Erasmus hauls him into an embrace and clutches him tightly, more tightly than would seem necessary. Out of complete shock, William doesn't move, doesn’t even breathe. 

And it breaks him a little, chips out of him bit by bit, piece by piece, working its way through.

All he can think of is their chests pressed together, Erasmus's arms on his shoulder, around his neck, brushing his back with fingertips. The heat, the longing, the _realisation_ … that this is not for him, not something William can ever have, not truly…

He pulls away first and Erasmus immediately drops his hands, but their gazes hold. There's an electrifying heat between them, and William is vaguely aware of the pain that's painted on his face. It's too obvious, but he can't hide it.

_In my heart there is a question which I am unaware I have asked._

Erasmus turns away.

"Are the rest-"

"There is much to explain, I- Come to my church. I'll tell you everything."

Erasmus takes a few steps then his shocked gaze flicks back.  
" _Your_ church?"

It lasts a moment and then it transforms itself into something new - a sort of… admiration. The corners of his lips curl into a faint smile and his jaw drops as if William has achieved something impossible, and not merely replaced a deceased priest.

"You're- _you're_ the priest here? The one _everyone_ talks about?"

William feels entirely too hot around the ears.

"Oh I hope not, I just- I preach what I believe in."

" _Angel,_ I read _all_ of your pamphlets. That- that is so _brave."_

Words couldn't express how much it meant for William to hear that from Erasmus. Often he wondered what would the man think of his theological disputes; that is, if he would even read them. Never had he imagined the reaction he’d just received.

They make it to the church somehow, although not without problems - Erasmus stumbles a few times and William has to give him a helping hand.

Erasmus is drunk, but it's okay. William will take care of him, it's the least he can do. He understands. This is what Erasmus needs right now.

William is settled in the small and only room at the back, which contains a bed and a desk. After spending so much time on the run even this feels like a luxury.

He takes the only chair, while Erasmus sprawls across the bed without asking, which William finds impossibly endearing. Soft laughter fills the room, making it impossible to look away. 

"That thing about celibacy, though? Having trouble persevering, angel?"

“How did I know that out of all the things I've written, this is the one you’ll be most interested in?" William smirks back.

They fall back into their roles with ease, going back and forth like no time had passed, and William realises how much he’d missed him, how much he felt _understood_ and _accepted_. How _almost_ completely open he could be with Erasmus...

"Well it must be important, since you decided to spare it a whole page." Erasmus rolls on his side to look him in the eye and William feels his ears turning red.

"The thing is, celibacy detaches priests from the lives of regular people; and having company could be… helpful. Not for everyone, but it should be an option. At least that's what I think."

"You make a good point. The church won't ever accept it, though." Erasmus rolls onto his back and goes back to staring at the ceiling.

"Maybe not," William frowns, "but worth a try. Someone has to make the first step."  
He rummages through the cupboard and takes out a bottle of wine, considers the lack of cups for a moment and takes a small sip.

"Joshua and Julia - they're not here." He starts gathering his courage to walk Erasmus through the whole story, ending with him splitting from Julia. 

He ends with listing everyone that died in the fire - his sister, Marcus and father Thomas and quickly glances at Erasmus, expecting to hear how disappointing his actions were, but the man only takes a deep breath.

“I have to find them.”

“I know.”

"You’re not safe here either - word about your teachings is spreading, it's just a matter of time before the Inquisition comes looking for you." Erasmus looks dangerously close to pleading and William doesn't know what he would do if it actually were. It's hard enough as it is. "Come with me." 

He looks so hopeful, and it makes William feel like a monster. 

“No.” William looks away, feeling increasingly guilty and maybe rightly so - leaving his friends for a personal battle of his own. “I’m sorry, but I can’t just run away at the first sight of danger. People here trust me. If I let them be imprisoned because of me, if I leave them behind, what does it say about me?"

William glances at Erasmus who doesn't seem to respond so William continues, guilt increasing in the pit of his stomach, tying into a knot. 

"You don't even know where to start looking. _I_ don't know it."

"Never stopped me before." Erasmus says and William feels a new wave of admiration for the man. "I'll start in our old cottage. We left in such a rush there's bound to be something useful there. Would you… accompany me?" William doesn’t look straight away and Erasmus must pick up on his hesitancy. "Come on, I'll cook you a rabbit for dinner. Just like the good old days, hm?"

"Just to the cottage?"

"I'll swear on the holy Inquisition." Erasmus says so seriously it earns him a burst of laughter from William.

"Alright, I'll go with you, you tempting old serpent."

“You know, I always thought that your faith in people, your concern for them is-”

“Stupid?" William offers quickly, he might not survive hearing it from Erasmus, but the man draws his brows together instead.

“I was going to say admirable.”

The man smiles and William feels his hand around the bottle clenching.  
_That's...too much. So nice it almost feels unreal._  
He briefly considers downing the ruby liquid to make this evening last forever.

Erasmus takes another deep breath and the conversation takes an unexpected turn.

"Marcus was right."

"Sorry?"

"About the Inquisition, I was in it. I was-" he covers his eyes with a hand "I was a lord, like Vitalis, my father was his friend. He never cared much for me…"

William falls completely silent and gives him a particularly sad smile. He knows how it feels to be a disappointment. They both tried, they both failed. 

"...but then I got sick, really sick, almost died. They said it's a miracle I survived, so they expected me to… join. I was an Inquisitor, William." He tries to laugh but it comes out forced and desperate. "You want to know the worst part? I _believed_ in it. I thought I'd had a mission… pathetic."

William has no answer, no remedy to that, but he has an answer to something else.

“Erasmus… so have I. We’re not that different.” 

This seems to shock Erasmus, he sits up on the bed and sobers up a little, pulled back from wallowing in self-pity. William continues.

"In many ways we're not the same, but in some ways we are and if not for you… well, you were a true inspiration for me, a spark."

He starts fidgeting with his hands and has to focus his gaze elsewhere, but doesn't stop talking.

"You are who you are _because_ of your past. You are a good person."

Erasmus stares at him for the longest while and for a moment he thinks the man might actually _thank_ him, but eventually he looks away. 

"Why did you say you trusted me back in the church? You had no reason to."

William frowns. "I have plenty of reasons."

"Not good ones.”

"Let's see," William takes his hand out and counts on his fingers "you carried me after I was wounded, you risked your life to save an unknown witch in the village. And last, but not least - you uprooted your whole life to save the life of a small child you didn't even know." 

"Yeah, well, I might have had selfish reasons for those," he says and slides off the bed with the grace of a drunk snake.

“Where do you think you’re going?"

“Well you need to sleep, it’s your bed and-"

... _and it’s the only one_ , William realises, but Erasmus really needs it more than him.

“You’re not sleeping on the floor.” William says decisively.

“Neither are you.” Erasmus looks at him, their gazes meet for a brief moment and then they are both looking away. 

“Fine."

“What?” Erasmus looks in disbelief.

“We can both fit in.”

William says it, and immediately regrets it. The bed is barely big enough for both of them, that much is clear, but they are friends and really it shouldn't be as much of a big deal as it is.

"I'll just- write a bit before I join- before I'll go to sleep, I mean."

"Alright." Erasmus accepts it, tosses away his shoes and curls on the bed with his back towards him.

William sighs, it's rather obvious to him he isn't going to be getting any sleep tonight. Really, sleeping on the floor would have been a much better option for him, but Erasmus doesn't know that, and how could William tell him? 

It’s _fine,_ it’s been some time… except it doesn’t feel like it. It feels like they were able to pick up from where they parted like no time has passed at all.

William waits until he's completely sure the man is asleep before he slips into the bed, and suddenly this life he tried to build for himself here doesn’t mean as much as the warm body placed next to his, within his arm's reach, fiery strands of hair cascading over the sheets and the small frame of his shoulders...

 _No,_ he stops himself.

 _But I want to_ , cries another part of him with hope, reason mixing with his heart's desire, pulsing with a naive thought that _maybe_ the way Erasmus looks at him means _something._

He breathes.

It has taken all the strength he had to put himself back together, shard by shard, and all it takes now is one conversation, one touch, one glance at the perfect face for all the pieces to spill back at his feet again. The pieces don't match. They never did. 

_Does his dream, the one he dreams over and over which makes him come undone, live up to the real thing?_

With a shaky hand he reaches out to touch the forbidden fruit - the skin on Erasmus's neck is soft and warm, it sears William's fingertips as he traces his cheek and the brass river of his hair. It aches somewhere deep down within him.

_That's enough._

His hand withdraws and he rolls over, looking at his hand in disbelief.  
_How can you ever forget it, once you know how this feels?_

Before he can close his eyes, there is a light touch of a thin and calloused but soft hand at his nape. It circles around his ear and then down his spine. William holds his breath, goosebumps pricking at his skin as he loses control over his limbs, feeling utterly paralysed. Is that rush in his head from alcohol? _Must be._

Erasmus’s trembling hand is barely touching his throat, then his chest. Hovering over cautiously just enough to lightly brush against him. It sets William on fire just the same and he _burns._

In complete darkness and silence the hand traces further down his side and stops at his hips. Soft lips press themselves to his neck and William gasps because he cannot hold it in any longer. Is he dreaming? He must be dreaming. He passed out and is dreaming about this.

"Tell me," Erasmus whispers, swallows, lips that were touching him a moment ago leave a painful absence on his skin. "Tell me to stop." It sounds like a plea, like William is fragile somehow and might break with the faintest touch, but he can’t be - he's already broken. 

No sound escapes William’s mouth and Erasmus's hand reaches further, lower, mapping the increasingly wider surface of William's body. Then, it touches his most vulnerable part - all taut and treacherously ready. William's breath hitches and a whine escapes him - Erasmus’s hand withdraws immediately.

" _Don't stop_.” William whispers breathlessly, almost inaudibly, gambling on the fact that it might or might have not been heard. _Let fate decide._

Without another word, Erasmus’s hand finds its way back, just as the warmth of his body presses its weight onto William’s spine and rocks gently into the fabric of his robe. It feels surreal somehow - the lack of words, averted gazes, clothes wedged between them unwelcome and at the same time necessary. Like thieves in the night, stealing what leftovers they can find, looking over their shoulders to make sure no one has heard them, that no one has seen them. 

He wants to turn around, but it’s too afraid to spoil it, too afraid it might stop, or continue. Too afraid Erasmus might see him for who he is and run away in horror. 

_Don’t stop, please._

There’s a hand reaching under the front hem of his robe, reaching to soothe his body that aches to be touched, and William might lose his mind. Flashes of something feeling awfully lot like _love_ washes over him and William bites down all the sounds trying to escape his throat, except one, coming straight from the depths of his repressed desires and piercing the complete silence: 

“ _-razmus_ ”

William clenches his hand on the edge of the mattress as his body stutters with the magnitude of his heart’s desire. It quickly overflows his soul and sends him spiraling on a crash course. His knuckles turn white and his breath hitches as the world around him briefly stops existing and _oh, nothing ever has felt quite like this-_

“...please. Don't stop, please…” 

There might have been a few words, or sounds, that slipped his lips as he was biting them nearly to draw blood. There might have been some frantic movements, he doesn’t remember, overcome by the sensations.

Erasmus squirms behind him for a moment longer and then everything goes still, the only sounds in the silence are their desperate gasps and racing hearts.

Once William opens his eyes there is darkness before him, like foreshadowing of his future - cold and unforgiving. But then a gentle arm loops over his hip and together they nest themselves in the afterglow of their passion.

There might be something trying to tap into William’s consciousness, something urgent, but it cannot quite break through the pleasant rush of blood in his veins singing him to sleep, and soon after, his mind drifts away.

**** roll up credits ***  
[ [Portishead - Roads]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmxXHF9C3Yg)

_Oh, can't anybody see  
We've got a war to fight  
Never found our way  
Regardless of what they say_

_How can it feel, this wrong  
From this moment  
How can it feel, this wrong  
Storm, in the morning light_

_I feel No more can I say  
Frozen to myself  
I got nobody on my side  
And surely that ain't right_

_How can it feel, this wrong_  
_From this moment_  
_How can it feel, this wrong_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] Thesis preached by Jan Hus at the turn of the 14th and 15th century for which he was imprisoned and burned at the stake


	13. Through Fears with Hope (s03 ep03)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Erasmus, I'm sorry…" He starts and all the courage evaporates at the man's first glance, he feels his chin wobbling.  
> "It's alright, angel." Erasmus says in a soft tone. There's no grudge in his voice, no anger. It makes William feel even worse.
> 
> (Starts off angsty, but there's banter later on and some respite too ❤️)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again thank you to @vintgecar-but-onfire and @kaiannanthi ❤️

Episode 3

Morning light illuminates William's bed, and the sun’s rays touch his eyes that flutter in confusion. There is something warm curled up against him, someone with one arm still around his waist.

_Oh._

_Oh, no._

Thoughts tangle frantically in his mind that’s on fire with guilt and shame. His veins pulse rapidly with panic that makes it difficult to breathe. _It wasn’t a dream. It's wrong, it's not right. It's your fault._

It was always supposed to be an _unfulfilled fantasy._

The man behind him is still asleep, thanks to everything holy, so William carefully rolls out from his embrace and runs to the safety of his church. There, he leans his hot head on the plain timber wall, as if it could grant him respite and untangle his conflicted feelings. 

How can he forget it _now?_

When they touched it was like the sun meeting the moon - two unlikely celestial bodies colliding in the sky. He’ll always remember the way the lightest brush of fingers sent lightning through his skin. Something William was never supposed to know, not beyond the safety of his dreams.

But it’s morning now. The thieves of the night have overstayed their welcome and their sins have been exposed to the daylight. It's time to pay the price.

So many pages in William's pamphlets - and there is still one topic he hasn't dared to settle his mind on - his own. 

He worked hard in his new community and dived into the holy texts, hoping that if he really gave his entire self to it, all these feelings about what he is would just magically go away. Because the alternative that he would have to choose between himself and his _family_ was a thought too painful to bear.

How could have he _tainted_ his best friend in this way?

Because that’s exactly what he did. Erasmus was tired, drunk and half-asleep, their gazes never met, their words could have as well been sleep-talking. The realisation is making William sick and he curls by the wall. His disease is not skin-deep, after all; there is a hungry monster living within, eating him up from the inside.

_You selfish fool, you just couldn’t keep your hungry hands away._

He slams his fist on the wall that cracks under the force and tears spill down his cheeks. Fear grips him tightly by the chest, there's so much if it, he might just drown. 

_I’ve been drunk too, fighting with this temptation for longer than I can remember._  
Sobbing, he reasons with himself for the last time, but it comes off as a cheap excuse, even for him.

"William? Are you-"  
Erasmus's voice cuts the air like a knife and William is brutally jolted back to reality.

"Stay away!”  
He snaps and Erasmus stops mid-step in confusion, red hair falls on his face concealing his expression.

"Right, um. I just, I'll take my things and- Sure." He withdraws and William feels even worse, how can he keep Erasmus at arm's length again after _everything_ he’s been through? He can’t, it's not fair.

It doesn’t matter. 

Erasmus will be gone soon, reunited with his real family, but _their_ paths split today. Who knows if they will see each other again? It's hard to ignore the pain in his chest, but it will pass eventually. It has to.

William wipes his face and puts himself back together. He’d promised to accompany Erasmus to the cottage and he intends to keep that promise. One last trip, together.

He catches Erasmus in the doorway just as he is leaving. Undoubtedly there is surprise in those bright amber eyes, but no words are spoken, and together they leave in the direction of their old home.

There is an awkward, stale silence for most of their walk, snow crunching under their feet, gusts of breaths crystallising in the air, and William starts to regret that he joined Erasmus at all. He fidgets with his hands for most of the way, gathering his courage to fix it somehow.

"Erasmus, I'm sorry…" He starts and all the courage evaporates at the man's first glance. How could have he ever thought William _brave_? "For- for snapping at you this morning." He adds quickly, he feels his chin wobbling.

"It's alright, angel." Erasmus says in a soft tone. There's no grudge in his voice, no anger. It makes William feel even worse.

“I was just, uh-”

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me, it’s fine.”

"I, um, you never told me what happened to you after- after the fire." He bites his tongue, but it's too late. He's terrible at changing topics.

“I got captured by the Inquisition.” He says simply. William gasps and stops in place. 

“Then how did you..?”

“You know me, they couldn’t keep me in for too long.”

He grins in that nonchalant sort of way and winks… or was that a wink? William goes completely red and forgets to follow up on the topic. But the atmosphere improves after that and William relaxes somewhat. Maybe not everything is lost yet.

The cottage finally appears in front of their eyes. It looks largely as William remembered it, if a bit more run-down. Snow covers its roof like a down filled quilt among the lifeless forest. Rays of sun gently dance on the front doors and it fills William with nostalgia.

Erasmus enters first and immediately stops.

"Someone's in here." He whispers and William holds his breath. Nothing looks out of ordinary, at least not to his untrained eye. It might look less dusty than he would have otherwise expected, but nothing is that much out of the ordinary. The ground floor only has two rooms and is unmistakably empty.

Erasmus unsheathes his daggers and points towards the stairs. 

"Stay behind me." Erasmus says, which makes William feel better. Nothing bad has ever happened to him, when his friend was around.

They climb the stairs slowly, Erasmus sneaking as effortlessly as a cat and William trying his best not to step on creaking planks.

First the door to the larger bedroom is flung open. _Their bedroom_ , William thinks and memories seep through him without any warning. He can't help but remember how they talked till late and drank wine, how they took turns sleeping on the only bed. He remembers the smell of the sheets, a distinctive mix of tart and sweet. Something he missed for so long and didn't even know it. Erasmus was always so good to him. If only William could return the favour.

Noises from the other room jolt him back to reality. He turns around to see Erasmus hauling a dark shape out of the wardrobe and shoving it roughly to the floor with a loud thud. 

William’s heart leaps to his throat for the second time that day. Erasmus presses his dagger to the intruder's throat in a way that brings back some memories too, the less pleasant ones. He yanks the hood down to reveal the face of a young woman with short hair and a deep purple bruise beneath one eye. 

"Please..." She pleads, swallowing loudly and trying to glance at the dagger. The tone of her voice surges with a pang of pain in William’s chest.

"We're not here to hurt you." He blurts out, contrary to the impression a knife's blade at her throat must make.

"She's a Seer of the Inquisition." Erasmus explains, not taking his eyes off their prisoner even for a second. "In active duty."

The woman doesn't say anything more, although her chest is heaving, which tells William more about her panic than words ever could.

"Erasmus, wait!"

He doesn't know what he's doing, he's not armed in anything else than… his words.

"They knew I would come here, damn it!" Erasmus grips the dagger tighter, his voice sounds strange.

"Erasmus, listen! She didn't choose that life, no more so than you or I." Erasmus doesn’t say anything, but doesn't move either, so William continues. “She might _believe_ in the Inquisition now, but it doesn’t have to end this way. There's hope for everyone, for people like them too… let's extend that message to them.”

Erasmus's teeth clench and his fingers interchangeably tighten and unfurl around the dagger.

"Fine," he lowers his dagger after what feels like forever and William can breathe again. "But we're tying her up."

*

Erasmus ties the woman up rather rigidly and sits her by the table downstairs. William gets a better look at their uninvited guest. She's dressed in a plain grey tunic, not so dissimilar from his own - all coarse wool. There is rope around her ankles as well as wrists and William doubts that any of that is necessary, but if it makes Erasmus feel safer…

He can't understand where all this comes from. The woman really doesn’t look that dangerous. 

Erasmus is standing by the staircase with his arms crossed, observing from a safe distance as William prepares his notes on the table.

"What do you want to do with her? Keep her in the church and hope she won't spy on you?” Erasmus asks, with a certain edge to his words that William remembers well. It's much better than the awful silence from before and a smile creeps to his face.

"Is there any way for the Inquisition to know she’s here? For the Seers to, ah, sense her somehow?"

Erasmus shakes his head.

"No. They only sense bursts of magic, people moving around, things like that, but never their identities. It’s more of a blindsight if you ask me, a type of magical castration.”

"Yes, well-"

William frowns and disapprovingly shuffles his papers on the table at the choice of Erasmus’s words. It all sounds rather hurtful, but he supposes what Inquisition does to those poor talented people is rather horrendous. He's only heard rumours from passersby; but the more he was learning about it, the more horrified he was.

"I was thinking about discussing theology and then releasing her… what other act of mercy would send a stronger message?"

"I always knew you were completely insane." Erasmus rolls his eyes. "Just make sure not to release her until I’m far away from here." He goes outside and shuts the door behind.

“Excuse me for a moment.” William smiles politely to the woman and follows after his friend.

Erasmus is curled up in the snow and doesn’t even look up at William when he starts to speak. Snowflakes settle into his red locks that are partially tied into his usual half-bun and partially falling on his shoulders. _They grow so quickly_ , he thinks then corrects himself. _No, a lot of time has passed since they first met._

"Hey, um, I know you’re being cautious, because you want to protect Joshua. You should, you're good at it. But there is more to it than that. Let’s just, uh, let’s not lose ourselves in the process.”

"The world is a violent and ruthless place, angel.”

"I know you’re hoping for Joshua to re-balance the world with his force, save the poor and the weak, cast down kings from the throne and all that, but the world won't change overnight. It cannot be fixed with a wave of a magical wand. It starts with us, with helping people around us."

"Don't you think that’s a bit too simple to be the solution?" Erasmus asks thoughtfully.

"On the contrary," William responds, "I don't think it's simple at all." His hand extends automatically to his friend and it feels significant somehow. “Come inside?” 

Erasmus looks back at him for the longest five seconds of his life, and then takes it.

*

"Let’s try this again, shall we? I'm terribly sorry, dear, for the restraints. I hope they won't be necessary for much longer. What's your name?"

"Joan."

"And I'm William," he smiles. "What is your mission here, Joan?"

"She won't tell you." Erasmus cuts in from where he’s standing by the fireplace, trying to get the fire going. He’d better be, William thought. There was a promise of a rabbit and so far he hasn’t seen any of that.

"Well, I suppose I can't force her."

"I could," Erasmus produces a dagger.

"But you won't," William adds quickly.

The woman looks from William to Erasmus and back to William. 

"We're not the Inquisition here. I just want you to know, dear, that if you would like to, you can always switch sides. Just because you were born under the Inquisition's rule doesn't mean it has to stay this way. You could join us."

"You mean the Warlock." The woman says and William sends a triumphant gaze at Erasmus who grumbles something unintelligible.

"Yes, I mean the Warlock and regular people too, those who live in fear from the Inquisition, who are are forced to spy on their neighbours about their sins and the plague-"

"Plague is caused by magic,” she says quickly, almost breathlessly. “Once the magic is eradicated, the plague will cease too.”

"Oh dear. Well I suppose…” With the corner of his eye he sees Erasmus grinning. “I suppose that's- a reasonable assumption, but aren't you using magic yourself?"

She hangs her head. "I- I have to… it's a necessary sacrifice."

"Says the Inquisition." Erasmus cuts in and leaves to get more timber. 

"Well, I wouldn’t want to bore you with the details, but you must have heard about the prophetic book, right? It just so happens I had the pleasure of translating it. Maybe you would like to read it for yourself?" 

He places the book in front of her and she looks at it curiously, then back at William. 

*

Rather pleased with himself, William steps outside, where Erasmus stubbornly went back to sit on the snow. 

“You’ll catch a cold.”

Erasmus doesn’t answer. From the lack of anything better, William covers him with a thin blanket he found upstairs and places a warm drink into his hands, which he accepts silently, thank God. He can’t let the man freeze in here.

“Have you found anything that could help you find Joshua yet?” William asks cautiously, but Erasmus only shakes his head in response.

"I don't know if it's possible, but maybe that Seer could just, uh, tap into your brain and this way help you find-"

"No! Absolutely bloody not! You must be kidding me, I've spent weeks trying to resist that-" Erasmus stops mid-sentence and William blinks. A moment goes by, while they both stare at each other in silence. "Er, I mean, they _tried_ , at their base- um-"

"Oh dear, I didn't realize! I'm so _sorry_." William extends his hand, wanting nothing more than to comfort his friend, but after a brief hesitation he lets it fall back to his side, because he’s not allowed to anymore.

 _Of course_ , William should have known there was a reason Erasmus didn’t want to talk about his imprisonment. 

_Oh, Erasmus, what have they done to you?_

"Forget it, it's not a big deal.” He sighs. “If only Julia left me something that would help me track them, a clue, anything, but of course she didn’t think that far.” He pulls at his hair. William doesn’t want to press any further.

“She wanted to leave me some object to contact her actually, but as I said before, I deemed it too dangerous."

"You never mentioned any objects before."

"Well yes, a small token. It looked very much like a strangely shaped leaf."

"William! That's brilliant! That's all I needed to know! The man abruptly stands up and kisses William on the forehead. "I know where to look for them now! Let’s go!”

Erasmus goes inside and shuts the door behind him, while William flushes completely red and absent-mindedly traces the place where Erasmus pressed his lips.

*

They leave the cottage together, William with a heavy heart, feeling that he’s leaving something very important behind. But he’s not. What’s important is still by his side, though not for much longer. Soon their paths will split irrevocably and this time there is no one to give him hope that they will meet again.

William walks, staring at the ground, when Erasmus stops suddenly, hand raising to cover his mouth. William looks to him in surprise, then follows his gaze and this is when he sees it - dark clouds of smoke swirling in the sky - and his stomach lurches. 

"Oh, _no._ " 

A fiery glow consumes the buildings and he feels his knees giving up. He wants to run, but his legs are so weak he only manages a step. He’s never seen anything like this; it wasn’t like Inquisition to burn everything in their wake, they were more inclined to _take_ , at least until now. 

Oh dear, is this what Erasmus _saw_ when the church burnt?

Before he takes another step, he feels something hauling him away by the elbow.

"You’re _not_ going there."

"But it's my town, my… people." William says, his voice weak and trembling.

"There's nothing you can do to help them now."

William pulls away angrily, but doesn't run away. He takes another step and sinks to his knees. He was ready for a lot of things, for being imprisoned and forced to deny his beliefs, but not for this.

"See? _This_ is what your precious Inquisition does! Did you warn them somehow? Is it your doing?” Erasmus yells at the woman behind him.

"It's not! I swear! I didn't warn anyone, please!" 

William turns around just as Erasmus takes out his dagger, but before he can shout, the man grabs Joan by the wrists and… cuts her ties loose. She looks up at him in complete confusion.

“William? Are you alright?” 

Suddenly Erasmus is by his side and he nods, because right now he cannot manage any words. He wipes tears off his face and swallows, pushing his heart down his throat. Erasmus gives him a hand and he takes it, his touch gentle and tentative, like William is something beyond fragile, and it reminds him all too well of the night before.

He’s not quite sure what’s going on, where Erasmus is leading him, what’s the purpose of all this now anyway, but he lets himself be led.

Much later, sitting by the fire in a blanket Erasmus put around his arms and cradling a cup of something warm, he recovers. The past few hours have been a complete blur.

"You alright, priest?" Erasmus sits next to him, too close but it’s warm and he can’t make himself move away. Slowly the past events are sinking in. It's back to sleeping in the forest, to life on the road. One again he's a stranger in someone else's story. 

"How am I a priest now? I've lost my church and it’s all my fault. All the people… They died because of me, for my beliefs." He rubs his face with his hands. 

"They died because of their own beliefs, because what you preach rings true in their souls, because people are tired and would gladly get rid of the Inquisition." He says softly, calmly and it soothes William somewhat. “What you did was brave, William.”

"Running away isn't brave."

" _Dying_ isn't brave, giving up isn't brave. Surviving is more difficult than that. You're doing the right thing."

He sighs, because what more can he say. "I hope so."

"Listen, it's not only the common people, y’know, many lords and senators have been wary about the Inquisition for quite some time now, and if we could _rally_ people up, start some _riots_ …"

"...many more people would die."

“Well… yes, but they would die _fighting for something_! And you already have a set list for reforms, and the people believe in you! Hell, you could even start your own church! If there is anyone I would trust with this kind of power, it's you."

William blinks in confusion, because it’s the biggest compliment he has heard from Erasmus yet, and against his will his heart starts filling with hope.

"Just _imagine_ \- a world without the Inquisition!"

"World without the Inquisition," William repeats and smiles. "Well I'll be damned."

"It's not so bad, once you get used to it." Erasmus grins and winks - or was it William's imagination? At this point he isn't sure, but the smile washes off his own face.

"This _could_ actually work" He says thoughtfully.

“Sounds like a plan. Well! This calls for a celebration!”

“I suppose, I do have to point out that you still owe me that rabbit.”

Erasmus groans “Bloody hell, you’ll not let me get away with that one.”

“Nope.” He says. “Thank you, for everything. And for Joan too, for giving her a chance.”

“Yes, I… wasn’t thinking clearly, but what the hell. The best act of mercy, eh?” He grins in a mocking kind of way, but his eyes are giving him away and William smiles back.

After that, Erasmus produces a bottle of wine and they drink together, telling each other stories from the time they were apart, and laughing at the ones they shared in the past. 

And about _that_ one night they don’t talk at all.

**** roll up credits ***  
[ [Calton Kelly - Chaos]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSh1Y5F2U28)

(Erasmus's POV)

_Cushion your fall along my lips  
Tell me you want it, this is it  
Tell me you’re lost and you need to go  
But wherever I am you’ll be home_

_Home, home._

__

__

_Look at me now I’m standing here  
Waiting for you to face your fears  
I just need a little hope  
That you’ll wake up, we’ll be home_

_But I still feel the chaos in you  
I still feel the chaos in you_

_Follow me down to the water's edge  
Open your heart and disconnect  
Reading your mind is like climbing cliffs  
I’ll fall off, get caught to birds_

_Open your eyes, I’m standing here  
Waiting for you to face your fears  
I still have my little hope  
You’ll wake up, we’ll be home_

_Home, home_

_But I still feel the chaos in you  
I still feel the chaos in you_

_Chaos in you._


	14. I, of the Storm (s03 ep04)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You wore your hair in a braid when we first met." William points out, trying to be helpful and not to stare. It proves to be more difficult than it should be. "Perhaps you could plait it again."
> 
> "I don't know how." Erasmus says, exasperated, "Julia used to do it."
> 
> “Oh, maybe I could, uh, braid it for you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit later than usual, because I've had a sudden spark of inspiration later on and wanted to do it justice:)
> 
> Thank you @vintgecar-but-onfire and @kaiannanthi for helping me in fleshing this scene out. ❤️

Episode 4

The next day, William copies his thesis into a new set of pamphlets, calling the priests to change their ways and the people to rebel and join their cause. He's not sure how well they’ll respond, and it all feels like wishful thinking. Like something impossible, like trying to imagine life without the Inquisition. 

Traversing the wintery landscape, in the kind of cold that chills him to the bone, is another thing that feels quite impossible now, especially considering they're going even further north. William pulls his coat tighter around himself and doesn't complain. He knows Erasmus would be much quicker without him. 

Erasmus worries about being tracked more than ever before, though maybe that shouldn't be a surprise. William doesn't have the faintest idea of how to cover his tracks in the snow, but luckily Erasmus has plenty.

So they wade upstream through the river when it's shallow enough not to get their feet too wet. Starting a fire would be just as dangerous as leaving tracks in the snow. When the wind blows and snow is falling covering their tracks, they walk on the land.

They sleep in abandoned buildings, sometimes in houses off the beaten track; close to one another to conserve heat, but not as close as… before. Sometimes sleep comes quickly, but most of the time he lays awake and just stares, feeding his eyes with the sight of Erasmus, and telling himself he's just keeping watch and isn't completely entranced by the storm of red locks and bundled limbs in front of him. 

Traveling together feels the same, and yet different at the same time. He wanted to believe that it was because they had never traveled alone before. But there was more to it, wasn't there? They had fallen back into their routine easily enough, pretending that nothing had ever happened between them. But something had happened, and William can't stop wondering - does Erasmus remember that night? Does he think about it as often as William does?

It's a wedge that William has driven between them, but he doesn't know what else he could have done, how else he could have survived. He prays that Erasmus forgives him. 

Erasmus has just come back from laying false tracks, in the hopes of throwing any pursuers off - wearing his shoes backward, then reversing them on his way back to where William is waiting for him - and they are about to branch off sideways and go in another direction when they hear the neighing horses.

William looks at Erasmus in panic, but the man is already looking beyond him. He stands perfectly still, and his breath is even. The only indication that anything is out of the ordinary is that his brows are drawn together, and his eyes dart around their snowy surroundings.

A moment later he's rushing William towards an abandoned-looking mill, disturbing any tracks behind them with a spray of branches.

"Quick! In here!"

Erasmus rushes him into the small lean-to storage on the side of the bigger stone structure; and before William has time to react, the man is joining him.

" _Oh_ ," Erasmus utters, once he squeezes himself into the tight space next to William. The two of them try to fit their limbs around each other, their chests pressed together, huffs of breath dissipating in the air, their hands merely an inch apart. William wishes they were at least not facing each other, but they are. As dark as it is, they are. 

William is just starting to wonder if the beating of his racing heart was as audible to Erasmus as it was to him when they hear voices outside, and they both freeze.

"Where the fuck is that sly fox? He couldn't have just disappeared into the thin air."

"He's magic, you dumbass. He can do all sorts," - another one responds.

"Don't think he is, just the company he hangs out with. We should have brought the dogs."

"We've got _her_ to sniff around. Well?"

"I can't sense anyone here." A female voice rings crystal clear next to the previous gruff ones and William holds his breath. 

_Joan_ , he mouths to Erasmus, who nods. There is someone frantically stomping back and forth on the snow in front of them, and then the doors are flung abruptly open to reveal a short, dark-haired woman. She pushes something into Erasmus's hand and shuts the door again.

"There's no one here, you must have muddled it up _again_ -"

They hear a thud and a quiet cry. Erasmus immediately tenses, and for a moment William thinks he's going to walk out, but it passes and neither of them moves. 

"Useless bitch, I don't know why Vitalis even keeps you."

"Oi! Tracks go further this way!"

The voices slowly move away until they disappear completely, but they stay in their hiding spot longer for some time after - just to be certain, and surely not at all because having a warm body next to his felt intoxicating.

Once they're out, Erasmus peers at the piece of paper in his hand, and William tries to ignore the obvious traces of blood in the snow.

"What is it?"

"A list of all the villages and towns Inquisition is supposedly about to raid, starting here and going further north." Erasmus sighs, biting his lip. "It could be a trap."

"Because it wouldn't be easier to catch us here." William points out. 

"Not if they want to know where we're headed. The Inquisition was tracking me ever since I left. I think I might have even-" he swallows, hesitating, "Might have led them to your town."

The quiet way Erasmus finishes his sentence breaks William's heart.

"Or it might have been a coincidence." He responds with firm certainty, point driven home by a hand on Erasmus's shoulder. "You know they would have come regardless, sooner or later. It's me, remember? And my teachings. That’s what they're after."

Erasmus stares at him for a while, and William is certain more words will follow, but there is only a slight nod of approval. Satisfied, he points towards the piece of paper Erasmus is still clutching in his hand.

"Now, about the note. Of course, we can't be one hundred percent sure what Joan gave us is accurate, but we can either trust her or not. Sometimes... you have to take the risk to see where it leads you."

Erasmus snaps his gaze at him and William’s cheeks flush a deep red.

"I mean- I mean! Look at this!" He looks away, pointing towards the pink coloured snow. "Did they put on a show? Is that not real?"

*

Erasmus decides that it was real enough, but they avoid any settlements for as long as possible. Until one day the weather took a turn for the worse, and their alternatives ran dry. On the evening of that day, Erasmus fishes out the list, the paper now frayed at the edges, and checks once again that the place they are headed is _not_ on the list.

They reach the first town by dawn, just as the snowstorm is picking up in strength. Erasmus is in that over-cautious mode of his again, where he listens to every whisper uttered on the streets and memorises every escape route. 

"And?" William asks after they’ve circled the place for a while.

"No sign of the Inquisition. At least, not that I can tell."

"Good." William smiles. He's in a good mood despite the weather. It's been a while since they have slept in a warm place and had a proper meal. The whole place looks rather enchanting in the twilight. Wherever he looked, there were candles flickering in the windows. It was nearly Midwinter.

People this far north remembered the Old Gods, still held reverence for the old ways. Perhaps it had something to do with the harsher environment, William reckoned. The Inquisition will have a field day once they reach these lands. It feels so wrong, no church should fight with a sword in the name of forgiveness and repentance. They can't be bought or forced, or they would become meaningless.

"In here, angel." Erasmus beckons him towards one of the inns. "Barely any space, really, it's Midwinter and they-"

"I know what they do in Midwinter."

William expected the townsfolk to celebrate it in more... _pagan_ ways. 

"Right, sure. But I did manage to find us something." 

For a brief moment William's worries about what ' _something'_ means, but is instantly relieved to see more than ample space on the floor. At this point in their journey, a warm place at the hearth is more than enough. Not very intimate, judging by the people already inside, but that's probably a good thing. 

Erasmus immediately swirls towards the fireplace, marking his place, and makes space for William too. He snatches a fur which undoubtedly was supposed to be a rug almost from under the innkeeper's feet. William laughs when he is caught doing it. His charming nature wins and he comes back with the rug in his hand, holding it out to William like a trophy.

"You fought bravely."

They both giggle when Erasmus extends the rug in front of him.

"There's one more thing I've managed to bargain. A _bath_." He almost whispers the last word and William's eyes go wide. For the past couple of weeks, it was all freezing streams and cold snow. Just the thought of warm liquid flowing over his body made his frozen muscles relax.

"No!"

" _Yes_. It's _right_ through that door. Go on, angel. I'll go next."

William didn't have to be told twice. He discarded all the layers of his clothing and sank into the water. It's on the side of too hot and must be very fresh, but that's hardly a thing to complain about. Erasmus has been such a sweetheart throughout their journey and now - this. Not that Erasmus wasn't going to enjoy it too, but he let William enjoy it first. Despite _everything_ that happened between them. 

He leaves the washtub earlier than he'd like to, and gestures for Erasmus to take his place. Just as William expected, his friend spends more time there than he has, surely also due to having to take care of his long hair.

Once Erasmus comes back to stand by the fire, his hair is tangled and dripping wet.

"Look at the state of my hair!" He despairs. "It's impossible to look after in these circumstances! I should just cut it.” He says, combing it with his fingers.

"But it's so pretty." William blurts and when Erasmus turns around to look at him with raised eyebrows, William starts to stutter. "I-I mean! I mean it... it suits you, is what I wanted to say, um, yes. Would you… would you like a comb?" 

William rummages in his bag for the comb he carries and passes it on to a shocked Erasmus. Really, it's as much a matter of practicality as it is of aesthetics, and he can't imagine how anyone could leave the house without such a basic necessity, especially someone with hair like Erasmus. 

He watches, mesmerized as Erasmus impatiently drags the comb through his hair as it dries, trying to untangle the persistent knots. Wisps of silken flame flow through Erasmus fingers, shining brighter than ever in the firelight. 

"You wore it in a braid when we first met." William points out, trying to be helpful and not to stare. It proves to be more difficult than it should be. "Perhaps you could plait it again."

"I don't know how." Erasmus says, exasperated, "Julia used to do it."

“Oh, maybe I could, uh, braid it for you?"

Erasmus's eyes snap from the fireplace to him. There is some tension flickering in the wild amber and the corners of his lips curl slightly.

“I, um, only if you _want_." William continues, " But I'll have you know I had a sister, and while the last time I've done this was a rather _long_ time ago, I'm fairly certain I still remember the, uh, simpler weaves."

"Okay."

"Really? I mean, of course. _Certainly._ "

Erasmus passes the small wooden comb to him without another word. Their fingers brush briefly, and William feels it deep within his heart. There are other people in the room around, there is noise and movement, but it feels suddenly distant. The only thing that exists for him now is Erasmus sitting with his back to him, waiting.

He can't quite put his finger on it, but the blood throbbing in his temples tells him that something has changed, that it's significant somehow.

_It's just hair, damnit._

William shuffles forward and finally touches Erasmus’ impossibly silky hair. He feels instantly hot, but it must be from the fireplace. _It must be_. It’s not like this sensation would remind him of the night they shared in the past. 

_Oh God._

His fingers carefully card through the strands of hair. It's thick and shiny, and so soft that William almost loses himself in the moment.

Inadvertently, his hand slips and touches Erasmus’s neck, which immediately pricks up into goosebumps.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

The braid is almost finished now, three strands twisted and weaved in and out - a gathered plait from the crown of the head to the nape of the neck.

“There,” William says, skilfully tying it off at the bottom and letting go. Erasmus’s hand raises immediately to touch his head, checking the braid.

"Wow, you're really good at it."

They lock their eyes and William feels the heat blooming on his cheeks again.

"Your meal." A woman announces coldly, interrupting them and putting two bowls on the floor between them, before disappearing again.

The noise in the room rings louder again and William peeks into his bowl curiously. It's mostly beans and tomatoes, but William _thinks_ he spotted a tiny piece of meat in it too.

"I know it's not up to your standard, but it's all they've got," Erasmus says apologetically. The meal is _hot,_ scalding William's tongue, and that's more than they've had in the past weeks, so he can't stop himself from purring contentedly.

It feels _so good_ to be able to just _be_ together like this. 

"What are you going to do? When this is all over, I mean."

Erasmus asks, eating his own meal with no haste. William opens his eyes, slightly embarrassed for getting lost in yet another earthly pleasure in front of his friend. 

"I'm, uh, not sure yet. Probably find a town with a church and stay there, become part of the community. I don't suppose going back to Neath is an option any more. What about you?"

"I'll just go somewhere… nice, somewhere warm maybe. Travel a bit."

"Sounds a lot like running away," William says absent-mindedly and then sees the look on Erasmus' face like someone just punched him. " _Oh_! I didn't mean it like that! It's just… _for me,_ it would be running away… from… you know," his cheeks flush pink and Erasmus smiles. 

"It's alright. I just miss the ocean. Would like to see it again."

"I've never seen the ocean."

"You.. haven't? You absolutely _have to_ see it at least once in your life! Once this is all over."

"I would like that," William says and bites his tongue, stuffing his mouth with a spoon to avoid saying anything more. Going somewhere remote where no one knows them, no people to judge or point fingers is a beautiful dream, but that's all it ever will be. 

"William?" A voice from behind him calls and they both turn around to see two men. The one speaking to them is taller, red strands of hair are falling down on his forehead. His voice sounds vaguely familiar, although William can't quite remember where from. "My _God_ , it is you!"

The more he looks the more the man's features look familiar until finally, blood in William's veins runs cold as he realises who the person standing in front of him is.

"Richard? What a surprise, what are you doing here?" He says fiddling with his hands and then notices Erasmus flicking his gaze between the two and the tension in his muscles. "Richard and I, er, studied together in the seminary."

This moment is so unbelievably unreal he can't stop staring at Richard, looking different yet somehow the same. He's older now, of course, they all are, which only makes him feel all the more self-conscious. 

There are crinkles at the corners of Richard's eyes, his hair is ever so slightly longer and his jaw is covered by a beard more coppery than red. By all standards and despite his age, he looks amazing.

William spent _years_ imagining their next meeting and replayed the conversation between them over and over. And now they're here and he's lost for words. 

"Ah, just passing by. It's a lovely town this time of the year if you can find a place to stay. We got the last room," he says and then looks at the two of them, sitting on the floor. "Sorry."

There's a moment of silence during which William is trying to process all the information he was presented with. _Why this time of the year? Why here?_ His gaze slides off towards the anonymous men next to Richard - tall, slim with dark eyes and hair. 

Something in his stomach drops and he suddenly feels like falling, when a hand lands on his arm grounding him in reality. Looking up, he realises it belongs to Erasmus and that makes him feel a little bit better. 

"You did become a priest _after all_." Richard smiles softly, looking down at him with some sort of pride, which feels just _wrong_ in current circumstances, but sounds honest. "Your fame precedes you. I really am full of admiration for your teachings. If there is anything I could help you with-"

"As a matter of fact, you _can._ " 

Erasmus cuts in, grinning, then lowers his voice and William blinks at him. The tension from Erasmus's body seems to be gone as he looks between the two newly met men - not strangers anymore. 

"There are new sets of theses we are trying to _quietly_ distribute if you catch my meaning. You wouldn't mind taking a few with you, would you?"

William wants to protest, but Richard's smile only widens, and he accepts all their leaflets eagerly. After which they excuse themselves and disappear in the crowd.

William remains tangled in the state of inane shock even after they're gone. The whole encounter being surreal, but perhaps the most out of place was Erasmus's reaction.

He turns towards his friend - now curled on himself in front of the fireplace and can't help, but notice that the bigger part of the fur rug is left unclaimed.

"Erasmus? How is it that you immediately asked for help from my old _colleague_ , whom you haven't even met before? You never trust anyone."

"Oh, _angel_. I noticed something about them that made me believe, whatever happens, they won't turn towards the Inquisition."

"And that- that's it? Do you think-"  
He doesn't know if he can say it out loud.

"It's a secret."

Erasmus cuts him off, practically whispering and already drifting off to sleep. William scrunches his nose, but doesn't press any further. Some things are better left unspoken. Maybe he's wrong, it wouldn't be the first time.

They spend the night sleeping on the floor and leave the following morning.

William wistfully runs his fingers along the wooden panelling on the door as they leave, feeling as if part of his own soul has been engraved forever in the walls of the inn.

_It's okay, it's not like any of those things were ever truly yours_ , William reminds himself. _It's just an illusion you choose to believe in._

It's not even the last town or inn they will be staying at on their way, and according to Erasmus, there is still a fair bit of the journey to go. William will be able to cherish these moments for a while longer, but this today… it felt special, in some unspoken way. 

How will he be able to give this up at the end of the road?

**** roll up credits ***  
[ [Of Monsters and Men - I, of the Storm]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlCkafSYNJI&list=PLh0GzdP6yzlZLLoXU9HaQ_yImg7R7xOSR&index=11&t=0s)

_If I could face them  
If I could make amends  
With all my shadows  
I'd bow my head  
And welcome them_

_But I feel it burning  
Like when the winter wind  
Stops my breathing_

_Are you really going to love me  
When I'm gone  
I fear you won't  
I fear you don't_

_And it echoes when I breathe  
Until all you'll see  
Is my ghost  
Empty vessel, crooked teeth  
Wish you could see_

_And they call me under  
And I'm shaking like a leaf  
And they call me under  
And I wither underneath  
In this storm_

_I am a stranger  
I am an alien  
Inside a structure_

_Are you really going to love me  
When I'm gone  
With all my thoughts  
And all my faults_

_I feel it biting  
I feel it break my skin  
So uninviting_

_Are you really going to need me  
When I'm gone  
I fear you won't  
I fear you don't_

_I feel it And they call me under  
And I'm shaking like a leaf  
And they call me underneath  
To this storm_


	15. Everyone I Love is in This Room (s03 ep05)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "They're in this room!" Erasmus says sharply, and this time his gaze is unflinching. it’s a look of despair and longing and hope, bound together into something William can't quite read. He feels like he should look back at Joshua, and check if the noise didn't wake him up, but Erasmus _doesn’t_ and instead they stare at each other's eyes. "Everyone I love is in this room."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The longest chapter yet-  
> and one everyone was waiting for-
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: implied major character parent's death, associated guilt, and panic attack

Episode 5

The darkness is falling fast around them. Erasmus nervously digs a hand deeper into his pocket and feels two cold shapes against his fingers. If they were heavier then maybe it could have lasted them a fortnight. Whatever that's going to get them at the next inn, it might be their last warm night. 

He shouldn't have bought that bath. But vain as he was, he couldn’t resist. And the smile on William’s face had made it all worth it.

There was always the option to go back to _borrowing_ money for the _imprecise amount of time_. But he didn't want to do it, and the folks here were good people, not like those in the Inquisition which had made up a big part of his income. He sighs heavily. 

The sky is leaden-grey as they march through the snow-covered wasteland. It looks as if the sun has forgotten this part of the world. Maybe it never shines this far north, always hidden, always out of reach. In the warm parts of his home city, the snow would start to recede about now, but here the white layer is as thick as ever. 

Erasmus hates the cold with all of his chilled-to-the-marrow limbs.

"We really have to warn all the towns the Inquisition is headed to, somehow." William reminds him for the second time in a day and he knows that they can't, but there is a sharp tug at his heart that showers him with guilt. He clenches his fists.

"William." He says and inhales sharply. There is a prickling sort of sensation in his eyes that he tries to blink away. When he finally speaks his voice comes out soft and too vulnerable. "We've talked about this. We'd be risking them following our trace..."

 _'We're alike'_ \- the Grand Inquisitor's words resurface in his mind. The tall and handsome man, and so convincing. He was so convincing.

 _But we’re not, we’re not…_ Erasmus repeats in desperation, winding his fingertips around the truth he knows he needs to believe, even though he has long forgotten why.

_Please, please. It’s not true, it can’t be._

His past has been dredged for hurt and lies an arm's length away, threatening to spill all over his consciousness, like black tar. He pulls sharply at his own hair, trying to claw the unwanted memories out of his head, hoping that if he pulls hard enough, he might keep them at bay this time. Just this once.

_Not now, please, not now._

Too late.

_'I've known your mother. She was a fragile creature, just like you. Has anyone ever told you that you have her eyes and her hair? Sad that she died in childbirth.'_

_It's not my fault!_

_'No, of course not. You're just trying to do good and protect those around you, and you see, so do I. We are alike. But you have to help me to stop the evil in this world."_

"Erasmus...are you okay?"

William’s words jolt him back to reality - he's breathing heavily, one hand clawed into a tree he's been leaning on.

"Yeah, yeah, just- just give me a moment. It's just the cold and the journey and- yeah."

He pants wildly and William doesn't seem to believe him, but at least he has enough courtesy not to ask further. Instead, he puts his hand on Erasmus's shoulder in a comforting gesture, and _oh_ , that's even worse. His thoughts tumble down, spiraling out of control again, but this time in a completely different direction. Erasmus latches onto the previous topic like his life depended on it because it just _might._

"We'll stand a better chance with Julia and the pamphlets - that I gave to your, er, friend. If they reach the right places they-"

"He's not my friend," William adds hurriedly, withdrawing his hand, and Erasmus can't help, but to think-

_Have you rejected him too?_

"Ex-friend then?" He says before he can bite his tongue. He's being entirely too hurtful for no reason. Why does he have to be like this?

But he isn't wrong - there was something undeniably _more_ there - a history which Erasmus isn't privy to, and it makes him feel all prickly somehow. He didn't want to read too much into it, but he couldn't help it.

One glance at the man made William act vulnerable and nervous, and he could hardly look away. It should have been no surprise since the man was perfect on all accounts - tall, and broad-shouldered; not thin and scrawny like him. 

William doesn't respond, just smiles sadly with eyes downcast; and Erasmus feels terrible. He turns away, can't bear to look at this face and see - what? What did he see in those eyes in the morning after, when William was kneeling by the wall of the church, his face twisted with anguish when Erasmus's heart broke and bled to the floor?

_I should have known better - you're a priest, you always will be._

It's fine. It's not the first time he’s been rejected, not the first time he has to curb his own emotions, to lock them away in a neat box at the back of his head and throw away the key. He just had to remember how to do it again. He’d already got more than he thought he would and feels like a thief for taking what wasn't his to take.

_I should have known better than to mistake your touch for something more than a momentary weakness._

Erasmus wasn't ashamed of himself; he knew what he was, and he wouldn't allow others to dictate his morality, but this wasn't about him and he respected that William didn't see these things in the same way. If he could take it back, erase it somehow or make them forget, he would do that in a heartbeat.

That look is going to haunt him.

"I wish Agnes was here," William breaks the silence and leans on the opposite tree. "She had that gift of knowing what will happen, seeing the future somehow."

Erasmus's heart skips a beat. 

"What?"

"Oh dear, I never had the chance to tell you, have I? I've only learned about it myself before the… fire. She said you and I would meet again and here we are."

"Oh...my… God." Erasmus says, covering his gaping mouth as he puts two and two together. 

Agnes's words echo in his head.  
_'Whatever happens, don't try to break me out of here. Don't tell anyone.'_

He didn't, though whether it was because he was respecting a convicted witch's last wishes, or because he was a coward, he couldn't say. Either way, he realises the importance of it only now. 

There are two trees by the first houses of the village, standing like guardians on either side of the path, gently sprinkled with fresh snow. Erasmus points towards the broad and flat, but prickly-like edged leaves.

"Ah! They look exactly like - like the token Julia wanted to give me!

Erasmus nods smugly. "Orsya's linden tree. Grows only this far north. Bloody persistent plant."

"So how will you know where to go next?"

He blinks as William looks at him expectantly. "Well, um…"

"Wait - you don't know?" William's eyes widen.

He wishes he was a snake that could coil on the ground. "It's not that, it's just-"

"Erasmus!"

"Julia knows us well, so she will be able to see us on the astral plane! Surely, she must check for our locations sometimes…" He says with a flicker of doubt that William picks up on immediately.

"Oh dear, we're going to die."

"Don't be so dramatic! We've got this." He declares and strides forward, ignoring William’s rolling eyes. Erasmus has always been an inherent optimist, has always made it up as he went along and hoped for the best. If someone asked him what the plan was, he’d say _to make it work_. Most of the time, it worked well enough. Most of the time, he didn't have anyone depending on him. 

He’s put his trust into another person, again, and his faith into someone else’s hands. He liked to think that he could read people well enough to make informed decisions, but that didn’t make him any less worried in situations where his contingency plans ran low. 

How long would they have to wait here? They didn't have any magical abilities to guide them. Without Julia, they were as blind as the Inquisition themselves.

Whatever the odds, Erasmus will have to do his best.

They enter the inn filled to the brim with the smell of mint, lemon balm, and something else that Erasmus doesn't recognize, that likely grows only this far north. He strides confidently towards the innkeeper and puts his last coins on the counter. He smiles in a way that might just let him stay here long enough to survive, while William wanders over to the open fireplace.

“A room for a couple of nights?” He can always try asking for more later.

Something soft winds himself around his foot and Erasmus picks the cat up fondly. The people exchange a few words between themselves in a thick dialect that he barely understands. They point towards his hair and among other phrases Erasmus picks up something he would swear means “kissed by the sun”. He hopes it’s a good thing.

Eventually, the woman nods and Erasmus can breathe. A moment later they’re led upstairs on the wooden staircase that squeaks with their every step. It’s a tiny room in the loft and Erasmus can feel the draft on his face, but it’s better than it could have been, all things considered. At least there are no beds, just a couple of bedrolls on the floor - nothing to quarrel over.

The cool draft hardly lets him sleep at night, so when he wakes up the next day the sun is already high in the sky. He goes downstairs, and through the fog that still lingers in his eyes, he sees William happily chirping away with the owner and his wife, steam rising from their cups. There is something in that image that makes him stop in his steps and just... smile. His heart feels incredibly full. He could stay here like this and be happy.

It turns out that the owner's wife is a sort of village herbalist and a local midwife. Fascinated by their beliefs, rituals, and traditions, William discusses it with them until late into the night. He's figured out that it was their worship of the sun that gained them the lower price of accommodation, because they considered Erasmus's red hair a good omen (which was rather disappointing, he’d hoped it was his omnipresent charm).

Erasmus doesn’t like to be a burden and even less to prey on human naivety, so every day he goes out into the snow to bring wood, chops it with the grace and strength of a drunk snake and places it next to the fireplace without a word. Sometimes he even manages to catch a rabbit to William’s delight. It’s worth freezing his ass off in the woods for that smile.

On the third day, Erasmus finds himself leaning on the door frame, observing the rest from a safe distance as always, when the doors open suddenly and a woman in a deep blue dress and cloak enters the inn. Her eyes immediately fall on Erasmus and his lips curl in a mischievous grin on its own.

“Bloody hell, you kept us waiting-”

"Thank all things magic! You're okay!" 

Before Erasmus knows it, Julia fiercely throws herself into his arms, her hands winding strongly around his frame and crushing his ribs with far too much strength. He was just about to protest, when something wet and insistent appeared on his face that he _did not_ expect. It's gone before he knows it and stunned, he’s left to observe Julia exchanging far more polite greetings with William.

That was a thing. He wipes his face in a way Julia wouldn’t notice and with the corner of his eye he searches for William’s reaction. Seeing him entirely calm and collected breaks his heart a little for reasons that are all but reasonable,

"William! What are you doing here?” She says, in between hugs and setting down her bundle of belongings. William’s face falls a little. “Not to mean you’re not welcome here! I just didn’t expect- after everything you’ve said-”

“I, er-” 

Flashes of pink and pale alternate on his skin as he starts playing with the hem of his robe. 

“The Inquisition attacked his town, we had to flee,” Erasmus explains quickly.

“Oh dear! That’s horrible…”

The rest of her words disappear in the background when her long dress moves unveiling a small boy behind her; the same boy whom Erasmus uprooted his whole life for. He smiles and opens his arms wide to welcome Joshua, but the boy’s eyes look back at him with fear and confusion. 

Before he has time to react, Julia kneels next to the boy and embraces him protectively.  
“Joshua, this is Erasmus and William. They’re mum’s friends. We will stay with them for a while.”

A dark pit opens in Erasmus’s stomach. They look at each other with William, with questioning eyes. _That’s not possible._ The boy couldn’t have _completely forgotten_ them in the span of a few months.

“Okay.” The boy responds to no one in particular, eyes cast to the ground. Julia picks him up reassuringly, and looks back up at them meaningfully, and then casually shifts the mood.

"So uh, Erasmus, what a lovely braid, who made it for you?"

"William actually….he's-" he swallows remembering how it felt to have William's fingers buried in his hair, and he fights not to melt into the memory, as well as that bottomless pit in his stomach. "He's very good with braids."

There is a tiny splash of rose on William's cheeks that melts as quickly as it appeared, but it was there, wasn't it? Erasmus is not imagining things, or maybe he is. Nothing seems real anymore. They would have to convince Julia to help them fight the Inquisition back, convince her it’s the right moment, but not yet. 

That conversation can wait. 

Julia pays a few additional coins for her and the boy, and they all head upstairs. Erasmus makes him a comfortable bed from all his furs, and he falls asleep quickly, comforted by Julia's quiet lullaby. Seeing her like this pulls at something in his heart, something buried deep within and almost out of reach.

“He doesn’t remember… but how?” 

William's question jolts him back to reality. Julia sighs as if the burden made it too hard to breathe somehow.

“Once he _finally_ woke up a couple of days after we left you behind," she says, and motions towards William. "He didn’t remember anything, didn’t recognise… anyone, not even me."

“The teleport…”

“I’m not sure. I think he might have done this... to himself. On purpose.”

“To forget?”

“I really don’t know.” She covers her face with shaking hands, letting go for the first time in a long while and Erasmus realises how long she's been alone with this. His arms clasp around her automatically. Julia buries her head in his shoulder and instantly his shoulder feels wet. The doors shut behind them and they're left alone.

*

William leaves as quickly as he can, he can't bear to see this for the second time this day. It's entirely too much. It shouldn't be, but it is. The dream breaks. He almost forgot their dynamic with Julia, and now it's all magnified by months of separation.

It will be fine, eventually; he has his church.

There are some hollow wooden chimes outside, moving on the wind and echoing a melody, striking chords in his aching heart.

A few moments later, Erasmus is downstairs with him.

"It's not what you think."

William almost laughs at the statement through his own pain. How else can you interpret a _kiss_ between two people, an embrace? He doesn't need a clarification on this, and he doesn't want to hear it.

"It doesn't matter what I think." He says it out loud, and it sounds wrong. Too abrupt, and not at all like he doesn't care.

"It does to me."

It gives him pause. William is irrevocably a lost cause; he will always be like this, he will always be alone. But Erasmus doesn't have to be brought down with him. He deserves better.

"You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be… loved.”

"Love," Erasmus laughs behind him as if it was the finest joke. "Ask one hundred people what love is and you will get one hundred answers. For how common _love_ is, people really are shit at it - selfish and fair-weather. It's fun when it's fun, then it's not so fun and they're gone." There is a resigned sigh and William risks turning around.

"What is it to you?"

He sees the surprise in Erasmus's eyes, as if no one ever asked him this before. Maybe no one has. Two molten gold circles reflecting light from the fire.

"Do you know Romeo and Juliet's play?" William nods. "Worst one ever. They never get to deal with one of them snoring or quarreling over chores or seeing the other dying slowly or being diseased or- or"

"But they do risk everything to be together, they gamble their lives on the chance that it just _might_ work. It's out of their hands that they never get to see their future."

Weird silence falls between them and Erasmus _stares_ at him with parted lips. William reflects on his words, way too honest and personal. He rubs his eyes.

"Sleep?" Erasmus extends his hand. William doesn't take it, but he nods and they go back upstairs.

The room is tiny for the four of them. Julia falls asleep with Joshua on the narrow bed nearest the fire, but neither of them can fall asleep. For the longest time no one says anything, each plunged in their own thoughts; William aiming to distract himself with planning their next moves.

“Agnes would know what to do,” William murmurs, and immediately bites his tongue.

He shouldn't have been reminding Erasmus about it. Everything relating to the fire, to that night and their separation elicits the guiltiest looks he’s ever seen on Erasmus’s face. He misses Agnes, only found and lost prematurely. Along with Father Thomas, and even Marcus with his sister. Nothing of that was Erasmus’s fault.

"I have to tell you something." Erasmus says, carefully placing his hands on the table between them, as if trying to ground himself in reality, his words chosen with care. “Agnes… is alive, held captive... by the Inquisition.”

The conversation is hushed, tight-lipped and much too close together. William is almost shivering with the proximity of the warm body next to his, conflicted panic fights in his heart with denial.

“What?”

William’s eyes grow wide, his heart thudding wildly in his chest. You can’t just spring this kind of information on someone out of nowhere. It has to be a trick, or something that the Inquisition made him say, it has to-

“No. _No_ , that’s not possible. Erasmus, I was _there_ , the building was consumed by fire. Anyone who wasn’t with us-”

“The Inquisition got to her beforehand.” He retorts quickly, searching for reaction in William’s face, but he’s not looking at Erasmus anymore. His eyes darting wildly around the room. He’s been getting used to living his life alone again, no family, no one and now this?

“But I don’t understand,” he whispers. “Why didn’t you tell me this? I thought she was- I - don’t believe you.”

“Why would I lie about this?” There is a sad smile that places itself on Erasmus’s face, something of grief, of guilt. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”  
William tries swallowing his emotions down and it tastes like biting a lead pipe.

“She didn’t want you to… know. Didn’t want to endanger you.”

“I don’t believe it."

Erasmus sighs heavily, but only continues with his explanation. 

“The Grand Inquisitor wanted me to pass a message to you - to Julia, really; but meant for you more than her. That’s how I _really_ got released.”

“The Grand Inquisitor….”

“In the flesh.”

William wants to be angry, but he looks at Erasmus - wound up in furs, bags under his eyes, his braid starting to lose its shape, and William wonders if he will be the one to weave it up again.

He remembers how he never wanted to talk about what really happened at the Inquisition’s post. Bouncing back any questions with easy smiles and half-truths. Whatever it was, it must have cut deeper than Erasmus wanted to let on. 

He will be angry, he will, he promises himself. Just later. 

“It’s her life for the boy,” Erasmus raises his gaze for a brief moment, then looks away. “I’m sorry, I should have told you.”

If there was any anger still lingering in William’s chest, those last words deflated him entirely. Erasmus’s hand hovers over the table, and for a moment William thinks it might land on his own, but it stops just short of his. 

They are close, so close they could _almost_ be touching, if William as much as moved a finger, hooked it over the palm in front of him. They’re only inches apart, but it might as well be miles, because he’s not allowed to feel that warmth on his skin ever again.

“And why would he think this is my decision to make? What about - your friends, family - anyone he knows you loved? We need to warn them -"

“We really don’t.”

Erasmus leans away, eyes flicking around the room. Strong hands that had been here a moment ago now taken away. William presses on.

“Of course we do! How could you say such a thing? He’ll reach them, like he got Agnes - where -”

"They're in this room!" Erasmus says sharply, and this time his gaze is unflinching. it’s a look of despair and longing and hope, bound together into something William can't quite read. He feels like he should look back at Joshua, and check if the noise didn't wake him up, but Erasmus _doesn’t_ and instead they stare at each other's eyes. 

"Everyone I love is in this room." Erasmus repeats in a hushed tone.

William can feel his eyes watering, he feels hot under the collar. _Did Erasmus just mean… what he thinks he meant? Did he just…_

His heart is racing so fast, it might jump out of his ribcage. It's a miracle his ribs haven't been crushed yet with the magnitude of each beat. He’s seconds from reaching out for Erasmus's hand, or burying his own fingers in that soft red hair, from brushing his lips against his as he did with-

 _No._ He can’t make the same mistake with Erasmus as he did with Richard, he can’t.  
_You already did. - No! It’s not too late yet, it’s not._

As long as Erasmus is here, he can fix things, he can do this.

William looks away, fists clenched on his lap, digging his nails into the flesh of his palm to ground himself in the moment. His knees are weak and his head dizzy, so he focuses on the only topic at hand. 

“He can’t - he can’t have the boy,” William says. There’s no point in pretending that they have any choice in the matter.

“I know.” Erasmus responds. Are they still talking about the same thing? "So I guess we’ve got to take the easy way out, and rescue your bloody sister.”

Their gazes catch and hold, full of intensity and emotions they cannot voice, but finding their own language against all odds in the cramped dark room far in the northern plains.

End of season 3

**** roll up credits ***  
[ [The Cure - More than This]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cY75xrmvxPE)

_For this second of your life  
Tell me that its true  
Waiting for a sign  
That's all I want of you  
Your heart hides a secret  
A promise of what is  
Something more than this_

_Just a second of your time  
Any one will do  
Taste of any other  
Is all I want from you  
You offer me the world  
And how can I resist  
Something more than this?_

_Make believe in magic  
Make believe in dreams  
Make believe impossible  
Nothing as it seems_

_To see touch taste smell hear  
But never know if its real_

_For this second of your life  
Tell me if its true  
Anyway we are  
Is all I want of you  
Your lips lies a secret  
A promise of a kiss  
Something more than this_

_Just a second of your time  
Any one will do  
To know any other is all I want for you  
Giving me the world  
Now I can't resist  
Something more than this_

_Make believe in magic Make believe in dreams  
Make believe impossible  
Nothing as it seems  
Never really understand what anything means_

_Another second of my life  
Not knowing if its true  
Make believe in nothing  
Is all I want of you_

_Whisper me your secret  
Whisper me your ears  
Always something other  
Something more than this..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry 😭
> 
> Also I need to outline the next season, so next update might be in 2-3 weeks, though I'll try my best for it to be quicker!


	16. Known (s04 ep01)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What have these people done for you to treat them this way?" William says, his voice unwavering.
> 
> "They have been found guilty of spreading heresy and will be made to repent. I suggest you move away if you don't want to be accused of spreading it," the man says in a monotonous voice as if he was stating the obvious as if his words were the gospel.
> 
> "I'm afraid I cannot do that," William says, stretching both his arms out, protectively, shielding the terrified family behind him.
> 
> "Well then," the Inquisition priest mutters emotionlessly and nods to the soldier beside him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm back! I'm both excited and a little bit worried about this chapter, because I've written it looong ago and now that we're here I want to make sure it's the best version of itself as it can possibly be. I'm also excited over everything I have planned for this season, so I hope you'll stick with me:) I'll aim at roughly weekly updates again and see how it goes (I have 12k words already written up, so fingers crossed!)

Episode 1 

  
“It’s a trap.” Julia sums up grimly, once Erasmus recounts the Grand Inquisitor’s ultimatum - _It’s her life for the boy_.

They're sitting around the table, drinking brewed herbs, while the wind howls outside, sculpting snow into mounds and snowdrifts. 

William is wrapped head to toe in the only blanket they were given, more for comfort than cold. Although the inn they stopped in is quite drafty.

“Of course it’s a trap. Why do you think The Grand Inquisitor let me get the message to you? Very nicely devised trap though, you have to give him that.” Erasmus strokes his chin thoughtfully.

"Is that admiration in your voice?" Julia teases him.

"Just stating the fact." Erasmus shrugs. “I can appreciate a good tactician when I see one.”

There is a moment of silence, during which Julia stares at Erasmus and William sinks deeper into his blanket. The reality of the situation feels crushing. It’s not just his sister’s life that’s at stake, it’s all the people around them. It’s the innkeeper and his wife, it’s the lives of countless commoners. It’s everyone who will end up under the Inquisition’s yoke, from Verdad to this little inn. This is an impossible choice.

“There are at least a dozen Inquisition outposts between us and them. More going our way, if you believe that Seer who helped you." Julia rolls out her map, marks it accordingly, and spreads it on the table for everyone to see. 

“Oh dear, we’re dead.” William murmurs and Erasmus extends his hand to rub at William’s back.

“Don’t worry, we’ll find a way.” He smiles and even... winks? _Is this… was that…?_ There are more little things like that now, or maybe William notices them only now. A secret language - a promise of something more? His heart shivers in his ribcage at this new reality he cannot fully comprehend, yet makes him feel warm in a way he can’t ignore. What does it mean? What does it change? 

Nothing. It changes nothing. 

“We can sneak past them. We know exactly where they are, which way they’re going. We could travel at night, that sort of thing, and hope to get to Agnes on time."  
Erasmus produces a stone and moves it on the map along the path back south.

“And leave the people here on their own?” William speaks up. “ _No_. Absolutely not.”

"We might not have a choice, angel," Erasmus says with a certain sadness in his voice. "Let's hit them where it would hurt them the most."

It's easier this way, someone making the choice for him. And it's not like he hasn't tried. _Imagine the world without the Inquisition... We'd be risking them following our trace._ How much of this is for the greater good and how much he is being a coward again? Hasn't William overcome his fear already?

“And the boy?” William asks, his voice shaky. “Do we know if he - do we know when -”

“We don’t. At best he might have set a ‘timer’ for when his memory would come back. At worst…” Julia doesn’t end the sentence and looks away towards the snowstorm that’s building in its force. “I can’t help you. I can’t take him with me and I can’t leave him here. He’s vulnerable like this.”

William looks at Julia fondly - she cares for Joshua as the little boy he was, instead of the Great Warlock, a tool to solve all her problems.

"You're not safe here either. Soon nowhere will be safe," Erasmus says in a quiet voice. 

"Once I use magic, that's it. The Inquisition will know our position," Julia says looking towards Joshua playing on the floor nearby. There is not much to occupy him here, and yet he can entertain himself with the simplest of things. He's holding a short branch in the air. A moment later, it's a block that eventually turns into a sculpted wolf. 

"Joshua!" Julia barks. More harshly than intended, judging from her apologetic expression. The boy drops the toy, startled. "Oh, sweetheart." She embraces him and Joshua clings to her. "That's very… you're very talented, but this power has to be used carefully. I'll teach you, okay? Everything will be alright." She says, closing her eyes and burying her face. 

William and Erasmus exchange a meaningful glance, looking for comfort. There is fear and regret, there's the painful reminder or what they are, of how little has changed. They're fugitives, looking blindly for the right path in the dark. 

This is not how they wanted to convince Julia to travel south with them.

*

They leave the inn as soon as the snowstorm passes, setting their course for the south. Once the first snowdrops appear above the white powder, so do the black vestments with gold and red threads. 

From a safe distance, they watch the Inquisition settling themselves in the unlucky village, forgotten by the world. There are only a handful of them.

"Priests," Erasmus mutters from under his hood. "Not a threat, there's probably only a soldier or two."

"Better to go around it," Julia suggests and Erasmus nods, while something in William's soul protests against it and leaves a bad taste in his mouth. 

Veld is just another village on the map. There is nothing that would make it stand out among a hundred others - simple huts, thatched roofs, dirt roads. Despite the spring fighting to grow its way to the surface, the sky maintains its thick grey cover of clouds. Black crows gather to sit on the ridges like harbingers of death. It's just another village, but to William, this place is another test. _The best you can do is to save yourself and those dear to you._

They direct their steps away from the village and William wistfully watches from the distance as the black vestments walk from one house to the other, taking what they want. There is a poster on one of the doors being ripped off by the priest and released to flutter away in the wind. The people from the hut are shoved to the muddy ground, dragged by their hair and limbs. William's legs stop unwittingly.

The poster is mercilessly battered by the gusts of wind until it silently lands at William's feet. He picks it up, and his heart sinks as he reads the familiar thesis neatly copied by an anonymous hand. His eyes jump from the writing to the family now kneeling in the dirt.

"Hey!" He feels his horrified heart thumping in his ribcage as he rushes forward. "Hey, you! Stop that right now!"

_You can't save everyone_. Perhaps. But those people that he doesn't even know, people he has never seen before in his life, people who defy the Inquisition to fight for their beliefs - they're no less his family than Agnes is. Erasmus is right, but this is not his fight.

Two figures, a soldier and a priest, stand overy the family kneeling in the dirt and William wedges himself between the two groups. 

"What do you want here?" The soldier asks with a sneer, and William doesn't miss the sword tucked into the scabbard on his belt. But apart from that, he is only wearing a leather armour. The two figures tower over William, and once, it might have intimidated him.

"What have these people done for you to treat them this way?" William says, his voice unwavering.

"You're the parish priest?" The man in the black vestment asks.

"Yes, I am," William responds, surprised at how easily the lie rolls off his tongue.

"They have been found guilty of spreading heresy and will be made to repent. I suggest you move away if you don't want to be accused of spreading it," the man says in a monotonous voice as if he was stating the obvious as if his words were the gospel.

"I'm afraid I cannot do that," William says, stretching both his arms out, protectively, shielding the terrified family behind him.

"Well then," the Inquisition priest mutters emotionlessly and nods to the soldier beside him. 

The soldier spits to the ground and grins, showing his yellow teeth. "So you think you're a hero, priest? Do you know what happens to heroes?" 

It takes all the willpower William has just to remain calm. Feverishly looking for something, anything he could grab to protect himself, his eyes stop on a shovel that _magically_ jumps into his hand. From the corner of his eye, far in the distance, he sees Julia and Joshua hiding behind one of the huts.

William parries the oncoming sword just in time and surprise paints itself over the soldier's face as well as William's. He's stronger than he looks, definitely.

Then he glimpses a flash of red hair and Erasmus is suddenly beside him, his blade slashing at the unsuspecting soldier.

"For fuck's sake, William!" He parries and blocks at the oncoming swings, but he's not strong enough to push in any attacks. The sword was never his weapon of choice, and William and his shovel aren't much help. But there are villagers running their way, standing up to the Inquisition, grabbing whatever was in their possession to defend themselves. The soldier is hit with a chunky log from behind and falls unconscious to the ground, revealing the wielder to be a sturdy man who nods to them.

The priest that was standing here only a moment before flees the melee ungracefully, yet ultimately is chased and caught by Erasmus, who ties him up a moment later.

The gathered crowd of villagers is cheering, and before William knows it, everyone gathers around him, wanting to touch him. He sees Julia in the background, smiling to him, Joshua waving in triumph. Someone repeats his name in the crowd, someone else notices his authorship of the posted treatises. "Hero!" One person shouts, and it’s not long before the whole village chants it. William feels so overwhelmed he doesn't know how to react.

They've won. It was merely a small skirmish, but they helped _so many people_. Never before has he been so purely happy. He could die now and still feel accomplished.

Someone pushes a tankard in his hands and William drinks with people, it’s all new to him - everyone wants to talk to him, everyone wants to meet him. A moment later there is a lute, and singing, and the triumphant atmosphere spontaneously bursts into a full-fledged celebration.

It’s only when he sees Erasmus standing alone by the corner with his arms crossed, dully observing everyone from a distance like he often does, that he realises the passage of time. Emboldened by the pleasant rush in his head, William stumbles in his direction.

"You're not er, celebrating?" William points towards Julia. She’s in her blue dress, laughing and telling a story to one of the villagers, and gesturing wildly in the air. Joshua is running around with the other kids. They look _so happy_. 

He’s so lost in this thought that he almost trips on a twig, but Erasmus catches him just in time. A few drops of William’s drink splash on his friend’s robe, but he only smirks. 

"Not my scene, angel." 

William blushes, straightening his robe frantically. "Come on. Don't be such a grump."

"Me? Grump? Give me that!" He takes the tankard from William and drinks half of it in one go, then wipes his face with his palm. William stares at him in silence and then they both burst out laughing.

"You're terrible."

"Pot calling the kettle black.”

They spend the evening together bantering and laughing and William feels that whatever divided them before ceased to exist. It’s like the old days in the cottage, but… better.

"Don't take it personally, angel, but what the deuce was that? Running off to…" He trails off and waves his hand in the general direction of the villagers. 

William’s face falls a little at the question and without a word he passes him the crumpled piece of paper that he had stuffed into his pocket. "They were going to prosecute Mary and John because of this."

Erasmus looks at it for a long while, a look of understanding passing over his face.

"You must think me a fool, risking my sister's life and my own for a couple of strangers," William continues.

"Actually," Erasmus swirls the last drops of beer in the tankard he holds, "I envy you. You're prepared to make the tough choices, whatever it ends up costing you in the long run."

William shoots him a surprised look. "It's not like that…"

"No, I know. But you do make those choices in the end." Erasmus nervously looks to the ground.

"If you never showed up in my church, I would have spent the rest of my life there."

Erasmus smirks. "My words cut that deep, huh?"

"No one ever talked to me that way. I'm too nice."

"Too nice, are you?" Erasmus snorts. "They didn't know you very well."

"No, I suppose not," William admits and flushes pink. It was more true than he would like to admit. He was always too afraid of saying the wrong thing, worrying if people would like and accept him. For the majority of his life, he’d had perfectly pleasant interactions with everyone. And no one really knew him. 

  
Late in the evening, they stumble - because it couldn't be called anything else - through the dirt floor and into their room. William doesn't know how they got there, but there must have been steps. There must have been Erasmus's arm under his own.

Mary had offered them a place to stay to show their gratitude. William tried to explain it wasn’t necessary, but he eventually accepted it for the sake of Joshua, while he and Erasmus settled for the barn next door.

"Stand there and try not to fall…" Erasmus retaining more clarity aims to unlock the door, holding William upright with his other hand. Once the doors open and the fragile balance is disrupted, they _fall_ inside together, William over Erasmus, panting wildly at the ordeal and laughing at the silliness of the situation. 

Blood in William's mind is pleasantly rushing, the contact of their bodies is intoxicating, their breaths melting, so close they could almost…

William leans closer, just an inch but it's enough. Their lips join in a chaste touch and Erasmus… _doesn't_ give the kiss back.

_Oh._

William instantly sobers up, horror cuts his heart like a lighting. _What did you do? You've ruined it! You've ruined everything._

He stumbles to his feet, as quickly as he is able towards the hay bales, and away from Erasmus repeating "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! I don't know what has gotten into me! It's the mead! I… drank too much and-" 

He rambles, he knows, but it's much better than letting Erasmus speak or hearing the thoughts in his mind. Tears run past his cheeks uninvited and his voice sounds desperate. He sits on the straw prepared for them with his back towards Erasmus, hoping he'll just leave, forget everything. "Please don't tell anyone."

There is a sudden touch of a hand, scrawny but soft on his neck and he gasps, shivering. Goosebumps covers his whole body, but he stops crying and holds his breath. He can't move at all. Then hot lips press to his neck.

" _Angel_ …" the words whispered to his ear get to him even more than the touch. "Is this what you want?"

Erasmus leans his head on William's shoulder, his soft hair falling on William’s chest, bright and red, and flaming. Erasmus’s arms close around his waist, fingers around his stomach and lips trace a path at the nape of his neck.

It is not possible to misread the situation for what it is and he leans into the touch. Weeks of unspoken words, the secret language that they shared finally finding a bridge between them, a secret meeting point. William's breath hitches and a sound escapes him.

"Is this okay?" Erasmus asks, but William cannot speak, his mouth is so dry, but he nods quickly, frantically, he’s made fully of shattered glass. If this goes wrong, he might actually stop breathing. 

“You have to tell me… because I - I can’t…” Erasmus’s hands withdraw, his fingertips brushing William’s cheek like a goodbye and only then he turns around.

Their breaths mingle together in the small space in between and he reaches out to touch Erasmus for the first time, cups his face in his hands, looks in the amber eyes, now naked, vulnerable and no less terrified than his. It’s nothing like in his dream. 

“ _I want this..._ ” 

William utters before joining their lips together in a desperate, but tender kiss that lights his skin aflame. Erasmus is gentle and careful. It’s slow like molasses and deep like oceans, leading straight to the depths of his heart. William's hands desperately trace Erasmus's body on its own, committing every touch to memory.

His friend chuckles into the kiss. “Impatient, aren’t we?”

Erasmus stands up and unveils himself piece by piece against the pale moonlight that filters through the cracks. Red hair now completely loose, it cascades down his collarbone and past his shoulders. Every part of him is beautiful, every part unrivaled to anything he’s seen. William watches with parted lips and when Erasmus’s robe falls to the ground, he gasps.

His chest is bare and covered in scars, his sharp edges and strong muscles are highlighted by the game of shadows. There's the one he's got when they were crossing the border together, but there were more - on his chest and arms like a map of Erasmus' past. He doesn’t ask about any of them, placing kisses to each instead, one by one. Instinctively he falls to his knees to worship the miracle unfolding in front of his eyes, his hands finding grip on its own. But Erasmus offers him a hand to stand up and reaches for William’s own clothes.

A sound of alarm rings in his mind, and all of a sudden he remembers, puts his hand on Erasmus’s wrist to stop him, a startled gaze darts at William’s eyes.

“I - I’m not - it’s not -” He tries to explain, but is lost for words.

"Angel, you're _gorgeous_ ," Erasmus says and seals his statement with a kiss. 

He's not, he knows what he looks like, but there is something in Erasmus's voice that lets him relax and he lets go of his wrist. Erasmus unwraps him slowly, every few seconds looking into his eyes and checking if it's okay. 

It is okay and Erasmus doesn't laugh, doesn't make comments, traces his fingers on William's stomach and chest like newly undiscovered promised land. William utters another helpless sigh, pliant in the strong arms holding him and Erasmus’s amber eyes drinking the view, stare at William's half-shut eyes like he's something precious.

Hands follow its lead on the roads to perdition. He walks the line, fearful of one last thing.

"Er- Erasmus… I’ve never -" His mind quickly provides pictures of them both sleeping in the same bed at the back of his church. The ones he was trying very hard to forget. But it's not the same, it wasn't this. Back then they hardly spoke or looked at each other. They barely touched, with an impervious barrier of fabrics between them, only enough to...

William looks up to see Erasmus's features darken, feels his fingers falter and William knows he did this. "That's not - I'm just -"

"That’s okay." Erasmus's soft voice soothes him, guessing words he cannot speak out loud. He doesn't seem to hold it against William and a moment later extends his long arms like an invitation that will guide him through this. “I'll make it good, I promise."

The last pieces of clothing are discarded to the ground and they see each other for what they are. They see the scars that have led them here, they trace them with their fingers and place accepting kisses to them. The ones that are visible and the ones that are not. There are no secrets between them now, this is natural and raw, imperfect, but real.

And when Erasmus reaches for him, aching to be touched for the first time, and encloses him in heat of his mouth it’s something different entirely and his mind floats away. 

Before he loses his mind completely he reaches out for Erasmus too, because he has wanted it for too long to miss this now. Soon he’s holding those sharp hip edges in his grasp, his own mouth anchored on his body.

“You don’t have to…”

“I want to.”

They swirl around each other like yin and yang, surrounded by warm and wet. Taking and giving and losing himself in it too. Touching and being touched, the beautiful body laid in front of him coiling under his touch, just as he is curled under the other’s.

Until the world slips from his grasp, there is only this rush of emotions, of a whirlwind in his mind, clouding his vision, but he knows - it’s all about Erasmus. It’s only Erasmus. It always has been.

A cry comes as if punched out of his lungs as both of their bodies jut and stutter in sync, and he is covered in the most blissful sensation yet, surrounded by short gasps that are chasing his own. 

There.

They’ve both made it to the shore. Clinging to each other and tying navy knots with their limbs. They’ve become one.

**** roll up credits ***

[[The Goo Goo Dolls - Iris]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdYWuo9OFAw)

_And I'd give up forever to touch you_  
_'Cause I know that you feel me somehow_  
_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be_  
_And I don't wanna go home right now_  
  
_And all I can taste is this moment_  
_And all I can breathe is your life_  
_When sooner or later it's over_  
_I just don't want to miss you tonight_  
  
_And I don't want the world to see me_  
_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_  
_When everything's made to be broken_  
_I just want you to know who I am_  
  
_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming_  
_Or the moment of truth in your lies_  
_When everything feels like the movies_  
_Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive_  
  
_And I don't want the world to see me_  
_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_  
_When everything's made to be broken_  
_I just want you to know who I am_

[art by me - @teslatherat ](https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/teslatherat)  
created for this fic


	17. Broken & Hollow (se04 ep02)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once the party dies out and the night is over, there are many consequences that has to be dealt with...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the longest chapter yet, but somehow I doubt you'll mind by the end of it... ;)
> 
> Trigger warning for mention of major character parent's death (followed by comfort).

Episode 2

William wakes up the next morning in a bed made of hay, tucked up to the chin. His hands immediately rise to his throbbing temples. He's never had a splitting headache quite like this one before. He shouldn't have drunk so much. 

The dream he’d had last night still seems to linger under his eyelids. It was so _real._ His palms still remember the shape of it, his tongue the taste of…

The cover brushes against his naked body and he glances towards the _two_ empty tankards on the ground and a stinging realisation rattles in his mind.

It was not a dream. 

With trembling hands he dresses himself up, retracing every move in his mind to recall what exactly happened. His robe smells of Erasmus and shame that he cast away the day before. He raises his fingers to his lips, not quite believing in the touch that was here only hours before. 

On shaky legs, he makes his way to the hut. His hand falters on the doorknob. He can hear the chatter from the outside, knows who he will see once he opens the doors. 

He doesn't know if he can do this. 

The door clicks under his hand that moves on its own volition to reveal Erasmus and Julia by the trestle wooden table against the wall. 

Behind the doors to the right is a kitchen where he can hear Mary pottering around the cauldron. The smell of smoke and cooked stew fills the room, soaks into the wooden beams and thatch.

Erasmus's hair is loose from the night before, encompasses his face like living fire. This memory alone makes panic rise within his chest that stops him dead in his tracks. Erasmus turns his head and their gazes meet. William is desperately searching for a sign, for anything that would tell him what to do. But there are no instructions on Erasmus's face, just a blank expression like a canvas that's yet to be painted on. Two eyes piercing to his very soul. 

He can't do this. 

Almost out of breath, he turns around and shuts the door behind himself. Outside, he presses his back against the wall and slides down to the ground. The sky is grey and the streets are empty as if the fighting or the party never happened - people went to tend to their fields, women took care of the houses. And only the crumpled paper in his pocket and the scalding shame in his chest prove that those things happened at all. 

The air is cold, but that's all the better - he needs to clear his head and be reasonable about this. He takes a deep breath and his stomach clenches unpleasantly at the smell of food. Multiple voices are fighting for his attention in his mind, trying to get through and he doesn't know which one he should listen to. _It's sinful, not allowed -_ yells one of them that doesn't sound familiar at all.

But how could it possibly be? He realises with a surprise that he can't find it in himself to regret it, not even a little bit, not at all. On the contrary - there is that wicked need to _tell_ the whole world about it, to everyone to know. And oh, that's worrying, isn't it?

He looks down at his hands half-expecting to see some kind of taint spreading through them. But there's nothing there, they look exactly the same as they did the day before - pale and dry from the wind.

In so many ways he’s gone against the church already. Surely all his theses alone are enough to burn him at the stake, so why is this so different? Someone somewhere… must have gotten it all wrong.

He imagines himself preaching from the pulpit about this, that feelings for another are not tied to gender and he knows - people would never accept that. They want to be saved from the Inquisition, not change their moral beliefs. William can’t find it in himself to blame them. He's afraid too.

 _Why can't the world accept that a man can freely choose to love another man?_ He hides his prickling eyes in his hands and winces at his own thoughts. The word that slips past for the first time doesn't sit right on his tongue.

_Could it be love?_

“Are you okay?” 

The question jolts William back to reality and he jumps. How long has he been sitting here? It doesn't feel longer than a couple of minutes. He raises his head to see Erasmus standing in front of him with a genuine concern in his eyes, hair falling down his shoulders. How can he be so calm after everything that happened? He realises with some trepidation how long it's taking him to respond and he nods frantically. He can't bear to push Erasmus away again.

"Yes, I'm -" he clears his croaky throat, "just give me a moment."

Erasmus takes a deep breath, before he dares to continue. “About yesterday-”

There's something in Erasmus's voice that makes William brace for a punch he doesn’t know he can survive, so he cuts in instead.

“You haven't done anything wrong.”

“But you have?” Erasmus shoots back immediately and it leaves them in silence.

William wishes he could be as brave as yesterday, alcohol running in his veins and everything happening in the moment, wonderfully out of control. Erasmus sighs at the lack of answer, but instead of leaving, he kneels in front of William and takes his hands into his own, William doesn't protest, there's no one here now to see them.

“You're a priest, I know. It’s a big part of who you are, of why I - what I adore about you," words spill from Erasmus's in one breath. "I would _never_ take that away from you. If that’s what you believe in-”

“It’s not your-” William starts and bites his tongue. How do you put in words to someone the years of struggling and never finding an answer? How to put in words how tired he is of searching, how much he would have preferred to have it all figured out, just like Erasmus does... “I've always preferred… men." 

William chokes it out like it's the worst of crimes and Erasmus winces at that, but doesn’t pull away. His hands tighten around William's and when he speaks, his voice is fragile and soft, almost pleading.

“You must _feel_ there's nothing wrong with that, I know you do. If there is a God, he wouldn't want us to suffer because of what we are."

 _Us,_ William notices. That’s what Richard told him so many years ago now - _It's not allowed for people like us._ A chill runs down his spine once the realisation hits and he remembers Richard in the inn far to the north. 

“William....” Erasmus’s hand dares to reach for William’s cheek and his eyes unwittingly float towards Erasmus's lips, red and soft, it's difficult to tear them away. That perfect red hair brushes against his trembling knuckles.

Erasmus _is_ right, it doesn't feel wrong. But the truth is, it doesn't matter what he thinks. It doesn’t matter that he desperately wants to put his feelings on display, that he wants to yell them to the whole world, that he thinks he could… he could...

The warm hand slips off William's face and a sharp gust of wind that takes its place is like a slap to the face, followed by a cold spread of fear through his stomach. William latches onto Erasmus's hands for dear life, lacing their fingers together as they laced their bodies the night before. It makes Erasmus's breath hitch.

“Is this really... what you want? If - if anyone finds out…” William asks, feeling physically sick at this point. He asks because it's not fair for Erasmus to risk his life for _this_ and because there is nothing William can do to protect him.

It's the first time in life he wants something _, really_ wants something. And now he tasted it, how could he give it up?

Why does he have to be this way? Why can't he just be happy? Just this once?

" _Angel_ ,” Erasmus looks at him with those terrified, but patient eyes and it breaks William’s heart. “No one _ever_ has to know."

Precisely at this moment, the doors to the hut open up and Julia steps out. William immediately jerks his hands free and pulls away. Erasmus also jumps back as if on a cue, and greets Julia with one of his easy smiles. Julia frowns at the both of them trying to figure out the situation but then looks down at William curled by the wall and smirks.

"Feeling a bit sick after the night's drinking?" 

William forces a polite smile on his face. It's terrifying how easy it comes to him, how used he is to pretending by now.

"Yes… sorry, terribly embarrassing. Just needed some fresh air."

Julia nods and looks at Erasmus expectantly. William can see it all now as clear as a day, how could have he missed it before? There is Julia affectionately putting a hand on Erasmus shoulder and him shuffling away from the touch. He crosses his arms on the chest and turns towards William like he is something precious.

"Are you… feeling better?" Erasmus extends his hand towards William. A question and a gesture expressing more than a thousand words - an invitation, a promise. Erasmus's eyes are vulnerable and open, and full of hope. Asking. _Do you accept me?_

William nods and takes his hand with a thumping heart. It feels momentous somehow - their hands allowed to join in plain sight. _I do._

"Yes… thank you." They linger beside each other for longer than necessary and maybe a little too close for what is considered appropriate. In different circumstances, or if they were other than themselves, there might have been a kiss, an embrace. William silently curses all the times they've been alone and haven't dared to cross the line. It's all his fault, he knows. 

"We should, uh, probably discuss our next steps." William pulls away and motions towards the hut. Erasmus nods and follows as well as Julia who doesn't stop frowning at them. 

*

"We should push on," William announces settling on the wooden bench and staring at his half-eaten meal. The brave state of his mind in radical contrast to the weakness of his body. "Rally people up from neighbouring villages, liberate ones that have been forced into subjugation. Talk to whoever wants to listen."

Erasmus puts a glass of water in front of him without a word, pushes a few of his own potatoes into his meal and takes a place next to him.

“We won't get to Agnes on time." Erasmus points out without looking up and William slowly turns his head towards him. His hair still flows freely around his face and it makes it hard to concentrate.

"I know, but I've made my choice." William says and and at the same time he feels a hand covering his on the bench in between them, squeezing with assurance.

William takes a breath and looks around, but there's no one else in the room now except them and Julia sitting opposite, too busy to take notice, and Joshua playing by the window, so William forces himself to relax. It feels wonderfully warm now that he allows himself to feel it, like a summer rain covering all of him. He turns his hand letting them weave together. 

"What does the prophecy say?" Erasmus asks out of the blue, breaking the spell. William sighs.

"There is nothing more in the book that would be of any help. I'm starting to doubt there is even such a thing as a second sight."

"Really?" Erasmus quirks his lips in a mocking grin, that bastard. How could William have ever lived without him? "Then explain Agnes's abilities to me."

"Erasmus, the newly converted." William can't resist the easy jab. He accents it with a brush of his thumb, enjoying the blush blooming on Erasmus's cheeks far too much.

"Shut up."

Julia takes that moment to fish out a small black journal from her belongings - the one William left her so long ago now. It's frayed on the edges and with many bookmarks. 

"I think we're here," she taps on one of the pages and starts reading. _"The Light will be divided and travel to the ends of the earth to shine for everyone,"_ then she raises her gaze to look William in the eyes."I think we're that light."

"I think it's time." He looks up at Julia at his bid to convince her, almost pleading. The enormity of this decision weighing on his shoulders. Another cross-roads, a turning point. Perhaps the last one on his journey. 

“Are we truly ready?”

"Eh, the time's as good as ever." Erasmus breaks the seriousness of the discussion and stuffs a potato into his mouth, looking towards Joshua. "You have to teach him how to use his powers sooner or later. There's no hiding from now on."

"I don't know-" Julia starts, but Erasmus cuts her off, his tone now more serious.

"We've done what we could. Sorcerers and warlocks lost their war, because they were divided, fighting common people as well as the Inquisition. _If_ we could make them come together, we _might_ actually stand a chance." Then he turns to look straight into William’s eyes. "And I think we just might, because _you_ gave them something they didn't have before."

"And that is?"

"Hope."

*

In the evening William finally gathers his courage to call villagers into the small. It has only one chamber and once everyone is in, there's barely any spare surface to stand on. 

To his surprise the frequency is high. He stands at the back, fiddling with the folds of his robe, Erasmus is there by his side, while Julia stands at the back holding Joshua in her arms. 

William has never spoken publicly before, not like this. Preaching, that's a completely different thing, people more-less expect what you have to say. He hasn't even had a chance to properly preach his thesis, not outside of his village. 

It can't be that bad, only half of this world's fate depends on it. He clears his throat.

"Thank you all for coming here today, it's very kind of you to spare me some of your time." There is little to no response, but he breaths in and tries not to feel discouraged. "You may know me as William of Neath, author of the thesis to reform our church. I wrote them, because I believe that there is a deep rooted disease within the church and it's _not_ the plague. It's the Inquisition, taking everything we have and turning us against each other. That's not the church I want to be a part of!"

"Ay!" Some people cry out. William feels a pleasant rush in his head at the first sound of approval. Words start to flow more freely from his soul with every word, until they're a firm constant stream.

"Yesterday we pushed the Inquisition away, but they will be back with doubled force. Our best chance and our only hope is to... fight!"

There's a stronger murmur of approval, crowd growing louder. Someone shouts "why don't we just give you up to the Inquisition?" It's followed by a laugh. 

"You're welcome to try." Erasmus growls and stands in front of William, baring his teeth and a few people take a step back. William's heart clenches with incredible affection towards the one that never hesitates to protect him no matter what.

"Now, I'm sure that won't be necessary." William pats Erasmus on the shoulder affectionately.

"We don't want to die! What about the plague?" - Voices raise among the crowd.

"Ah, yes, the plague. You have been told that the plague came with the sorcerers. But that's not true. It's a lie created by those who want to take control and keep all the power to themselves, until no one dares to oppose them."

The crowd falls silent and William takes the opportunity to reach for a black covered book and presents it up to the crowd.

" _This_ is the Prophetic Book," he says and there's another wave of gasps and whispers in the chamber. "The Inquisition doesn't want you to know what it contains, but I have nothing to hide from you. I have translated it myself. _The time will come when death appears from all parts of the earth to bury the Old World and a New Temple shall be built amidst its ashes,_ " he recites by heart and makes a pause to look over the crowd. 

"Together, we can build that temple! But we must stand as one. Tomorrow we'll head south to keep fighting for our freedom. Will you join me?"

Someone from the back makes his way through the crowd and William recognises in him his host, the man whose life he saved the night before. He stands by William and turns towards the crowd, while Erasmus keeps his protective stance.

"Yesterday the priest saved my life. He didn't have to do this, I am but a stranger, but he saved me all the same. What more do you need?"

"I'll go." There is a murmur of approval moving through the crowd again.

"Me too!" Someone else shouts.

"Let's show those bastards!" William shouts at last and the crowd cheers again. Erasmus gives him that wonderful smile and he can't stop himself from falling into his embrace even if for a brief moment. "Thank you, for your encouragement. I wasn't sure if I could do this."

"You underestimate yourself. Tell me, is this really _the_ book?” Erasmus asks as the crowd slowly disperses around them and William turns bright red. 

“No, I gave it to Joan back in the cottage… This is just my notebook.”

Erasmus snorts and tussles William's hair, “you’re such a bastard."

William grins in turn, "such a compliment from a charlatan like you."

"I beg your pardon, I possess all the skills I claim to have. Nothing wrong with being multi-talented."

*

There was a lot of preparation to do before the small group of villagers that decided to join them could leave their houses. William helps John and Mary as best as he can, as well as helping a few other people in the village. 

Erasmus slips from his sight sometime by sunset and once William is finally free he turns his steps towards _their_ barn. To his surprise, he finds Erasmus sitting on the meadow behind it, and in between trees. Evening casts shadows on both of his sides like massive black wings, leaving his fierce red hair lit by the sun. 

It takes William's breath away. He has a sudden urge to braid the unruly red locks, force them into obedience with his fingers and feels something clenching in his stomach when he remembers, he is allowed now.

Erasmus is picking small white wildflowers that already managed to struggle their way through the ground. There are a bunch of them in his hands, his clever fingers creating intricate patterns and weaving the flowers in and out. William observes the movement hypnotized as he comes closer.

"Erasmus? Is that... a wreath?"

Erasmus drops the flowers, now braided into a semi-circle and stands up at once, startled as if he just got caught red-handed on something illegal. William comes closer and picks the half-finished wreath up from the ground.

"You have very nimble hands." He says with a blush and passes the flowers back to Erasmus. "Will you finish it?"

Erasmus takes it, unsure. Without a word he kneels down and picks up more flowers, slowly. adding them to the pattern. William settles next to him in silence, afraid to disturb the fragile balance.

"It's good to occupy your hands with something, it lets you forget." Erasmus says without looking up as if for explanation. "My father... hated when I've done this, said it was a girl's job."

"What did your mother say about this?"

Erasmus's fingers stop briefly, then continue on. "I've never met her, she died birthing me."

"I'm sorry." William puts a hand on Erasmus's forearm. 

"I know I have her hair, I've seen her portraits. And her… eyes. I grew my hair out because it feels like this way she's still around somehow. It makes me feel less alone. Sorry, it's stupid, I know."

"You're not alone." William says tightening the grip on Erasmus's forearm. 

"Here," Erasmus offers him the finished wreath. "A halo for an angel." William bows and Erasmus places it on his head, leaving a kiss on his forehead. Red hair leaning in to brush William's face and he breaths it in. 

Briefly their eyes meet and William catches Erasmus's wrist with his trembling hand, painfully aware how sober he is, and places a kiss to it. Their faces only inches away, William's heart beating so hard in his chest he is certain it must be audible and then-

Thunder pierces the sky tearing it in half. Heavy raindrops fall to the ground without any further warning, hitting it mercilessly.

They jump up as if stricken and run towards the barn at once, William shivering at every other thunder that echoes across the fields, making his skin crawl.

They close the doors behind themselves, panting. For a moment there is silence and then Erasmus bursts out laughing and William can't help, but laugh too. The situation being ridiculous as it is, wet clothes clinging to their frames, leaving little to imagination. 

Erasmus extends his hand to fix William's wreath, now tilted to the side, and he holds his breath. They stare at each other, uncertainty flicking through their eyes and then their lips find their way to each other, pulled by some unspoken gravity. Erasmus's strong arms wind around him protectively and kiss away remaining fear from his heart, until they're both out of breath.

It's liberating, to be yourself even in this poor barn, even if after the sun sets, but here he can be himself. He is known, if only by one person in the whole world. 

"I've missed you." Erasmus whispers and William has shivers, and it's not because of the thunder. His arms tighten around Erasmus, he will never have enough of this.

"Me too."

In a burst of courage William pushes Erasmus forward and towards their nest that smells of straw and last night's desire. Memories fuel his movements, impatient hands memorise shapes and paths on Erasmus's body that he pushes into the hay, landing on top. Wet clothes frantically cast away to the ground.

Erasmus chuckles and pulls a wet curl away from William's forehead. "If I didn't know any better I'd thought you've had more practice than you let on."

"Have _you_ done this before?" William blurts out and he feels the body under him freeze. "I'm sorry! I shouldn't-" 

Erasmus cradles William's face in his hands, his expression serious. "I've done lots of stupid things when I was young, I have lots of regrets."

 _Was it someone important to you?_ _Someone who called you by your real name?_

"It doesn't matter," William decides finally and pulls Erasmus closer, burying his head in the crook of his neck. "I'm just - You're a vision Erasmus, you could be with anyone."

"I'm a bundle of angles and edges and I don't want to be with anyone. I want to be with you." Erasmus responds, stroking William's hair. "You're the kindest, smartest and _sexiest_ person I know, angel. You're something else, this world doesn't deserve you."

"Dear…"

William pulls back to look into Erasmus's eyes to discover the red colour on his cheeks. Erasmus takes this opportunity to roll them over to the side

"Let me show you, let me _take care of you._ " Erasmus whispers into William's ear, maintaining his face colour.

There are no more words, but the touch just to the side of his spine sending shivers all across his body - tender, careful, attentive - tells him everything, makes him wind around Erasmus like ivy.

There's a smell of almond oil and a slick touch on his body, Erasmus's clever fingers caressing and touching places, he's never been touched before and it feels…

"Is this okay?"

"Mm-" William mumbles incomprehensibly into the man's neck, reduced to sounds and sensations alone. He can feel the length of Erasmus's body pressed to his chest, his hot mouth scalding his neck. He feels flayed open, bare and vulnerable, but Erasmus's arms hold him and he can barely bite down the sounds that crowd in his throat. It lasts for a while, days, maybe months, all kinds of new sensations weaving at the base of his spine.

It all withdraws for a second and William makes an injured sound, but it comes back quickly enough, new. Full and hot and above all - it's all Erasmus.

"Is this okay?"

"More than- oh _fuck._ "

Erasmus brings their bodies flush together, while their breaths are growing shallow. Erasmus's hands encompass him fully - his back, his thighs. The strength and softness of arms embracing and keeping you safe as if you are the most precious thing is not something you could ever be prepared for. 

"Now we are one." Erasmus whispers to his ear, but there is no time to respond because all at once the sensations hit him like a lighting, setting his veins on fire. He keens and has to stuff his fist in his mouth to stop himself from crying out loud.

"I c- can't-"

"Let go for me. _love._ " Erasmus caresses his hair and it all ends up being too much in that precise moment. Erasmus rocks for a little longer and then they're still again in the quiet of the night. Not thieves anymore, but _lovers._

Erasmus kisses his hair, his neck, his collarbone. " _I love you_ ," he whispers barely audible and in the haze of the afterglow leaving William to wonder if the words were spoken at all. He doesn't say anything. The words seem too big and too small at the same time, and entirely too unnecessary in the face of what they've both witnessed here. 

The rain continues to rumble on the roof, water pours in constant streams on the only lattice window. The storm is still raging, but William discovers it doesn't scare him anymore.

" _Razzy?_ " William whispers one last question to half-asleep Erasmus, their limbs interwoven and that's more than he has ever dreamed of.

"Mm?"

"Do you ever feel… broken?"

"I'd rather be broken than hollow," Erasmus mumbles sleepily into his shoulder.

 _Maybe that’s the secret ingredient,_ William thinks, _maybe the pieces were never supposed to fit. Maybe that's the price for being different in this world. If it is, I will bear it._

Soon, he knows, they will have to get up and get on with their lives.

But not now, not yet.

**** roll up credits ***

[ [First Aid Kit - Shattered & Hollow] ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqyLk5OGfmM)

_I am in love and I am lost_  
_But I'd rather be_  
_Broken than empty_  
_Oh, I'd rather be_  
_Shattered than hollow_  
_Oh, I'd rather be_  
_By your side_

_Now I can't believe that it's been five years_  
_Since we both stood here, looking out at this city_  
_With minds so bold and hearts so clear_  
_We said, we are gonna get out of here_

_We are gonna get out of here_

_Run from all the fears_  
_Follow what we once held dear_  
_When will we get out of here?_

_Now I am tired but resolute_  
_That I'd rather be_  
_Striving than settled_  
_Oh, I'd rather be_  
_Moving than static_  
_Oh, I'd rather be_  
_By your side_

_Now I can't believe that it will be so long_  
_'Till we both are here, looking out at this city_  
_Knowing all we ever wanted is gone_

_We are gonna get out of here_  
_Run from all the fears_  
_Follow what we once held dear_  
_When will we get out of here?_

_Time, time is a fickle thing_  
_Let's see what it can bring_  
_I cannot leave you behind_  
_Time, time's running out_  
_My hands, oh give me your hands_  
_I cannot leave you behind_

_We are gonna get out of here_  
_Run from all the fears_  
_Follow what we once held dear_  
_When will we get out of here?_

_We said, we are gonna get out of here_  
_We said, we are gonna get out of here_


	18. Tomorrow (se04 ep03)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I can't - I can't lose you." William stammers, suddenly feeling very weak. He leans his forehead on Erasmus's chest. He's never had so much, never allowed himself to want _anything_. There is a flash of fear at the realisation he has everything now, and that means he has everything to lose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for side character death and suspenseful action sequence (that's resolved, no cliffhangers)

Episode 3

William is standing in the doorway of an ordinary barn, looking towards an insignificant pile of straw that, to him, means the world.

It’s tomorrow now, but if he closes his eyes he can still feel Erasmus's weight on his chest, his limbs coiled around his body like a snake, see the bundle of soft red hair before his eyes.

Why does it hurt so much to leave?

His hand clamps on the door frame like a drowning man clutching at a straw, desperate to remember every detail. Somehow he _knows_ that once they leave this place nothing will ever be the same. 

The lingering feeling that something is very wrong refuses to go away even as he moves towards the hut, Erasmus and the rest already waiting for him. He must look how he feels because all of their eyes focus on him and Erasmus takes a few steps towards.

"Okay, angel?" He puts an arm around William's shoulder and draws a circle on his back - that's as close they're allowed to be under the scrutiny of the onlookers.

He stares at the red hair plaited into his favourite braid, the one that extends from the crown of his head to its nape. It's a proof of his affection hidden in plain sight only for them to see, a secret language just for them to understand. 

It makes the situation a little more bearable.

He forces himself to smile for Erasmus's sake. How could he even explain that irrational fear of losing something crucial to his existence, while it's still in his hands? Slipping through his fingers like sand from a closed fist. 

It's probably nothing.

"I'm fine, really. Just feel the weight of responsibility, that's all."

Erasmus's face brightens as if he wanted to lend him his optimism. "Everything will be alright, you'll see."

There are three other men gathered at the courtyard and William's face falls even further once he realises - that's it. That's the group with which he wants to defeat the Inquisition.

"There will be more as we go along, just give it time." Erasmus quickly ensured him.

William smiles and it's more genuine this time. He doesn't know when it had begun, but he knows it's Erasmus's faith in him that made all of this possible. It makes him feel like they _just_ might succeed.

They walk from one village to the next, making their way further south. In each one the Inquisition is defeated, William preaches his thesis and a person or two joins their cause. 

At first William tries to talk with the Inquisition's priests, tries to discuss various points from his thesis, but as much as villagers welcome them, the priests don't even want to hear him. 

The longer they are on the road, the more apparent it becomes that William's fears about their fragile relationship weren't all that unfounded - it's rare that he and Erasmus have time to be alone at all. And in the few opportunities they have, Wlliam can't stop looking behind his back, paranoid that someone will eventually notice something, but Erasmus never holds it against him.

The longer it lasts, the more William's prayers turn bitter and his questions louder. His broken edges are starting to scrape at one another, aggravating the wound within. Is it a punishment? Or another test? Has he fallen already?

It's ironic really - as if fate have decided to change its game completely. Where previously they were shared beds, now it's all common rooms and separate beddings.

In a fit of desperation he even asks Erasmus to teach him swordfighting (just enough to know how to defend himself) in order to spend some time together, unbothered by others. 

Spending all the time together has at least one positive - Joshua becomes fully accustomed to them, despite still not remembering anything pre-fire. They accepted that for what it is. Shaping magic into physical objects comes naturally to him now and even Julia is impressed with the progress he makes in such a short time. It gives them hope, but also makes them worried for his future and for the role he is about to play in this world. They accept this too, waiting for the day the Inquisition will attack them with full force. 

Today for the first time they walk into a bigger town, one that is an Inquisition's outpost. William isn't sure about this at all, crossing Visby’s gates is almost too easy, but it soon becomes obvious as to why.

At the end of the cobblestone pavement, on a low timber platform, three pyres are assembled. They're all still empty, waiting for their owners to show up and William's stomach flips inside out. This is the truth he was trying to avoid _for years_ , hoping it was an exaggeration of those who opposed the church. He couldn't be more wrong. 

The platform itself is heavily guarded, soldiers standing at the ready with muskets in their hands keeping any onlookers at safe distance.

They rush towards it, passing timber frame houses with white crosses threatening them from every other doorway. They reach it just in time to see the first person being led up the stairs.

William now stands in front of the tangible sign that the Inquisition will stop at nothing to achieve their goal.

"First heretic is deemed guilty of spreading heresy, spying and conspiring against the holy church," a priest in black vestment reads in a spine-chilling, indifferent voice.

The person in question - a woman with short dark hair and dressed in a long grey tunic is bound to the first pyre.

"It's Joan," William whispers, white as a sheet. 

In a flash there is a hand on his forearm, grounding him in place. "Don't."

 _As if it were that easy_. William feels his insides boiling at the sight alone. How can he, ever, stand idly by in the face of such great injustice? A tear almost rolls down his cheek, but he wipes it in time. 

The priest on the platform turns towards Joan. "I give you choice - renounce all your heresies and your death will be painless."

"I'll never renounce the truth!"

The priest nods in acknowledgement and presents some sort of a book in the air. "This forbidden book written by a witch has been found in possession of this woman, a Seer from our ranks. Evil is often disguised in beauty. Cleansing is the only way to conquer the plague."

In the crowd someone starts crying, someone else is trying to comfort them. Most people look at the spectacle either with terror or indifference of those who have seen similar things before.

"Murderers!" A sudden voice cuts through the silence. "Let her go!" 

William follows its source to the dark clad woman, short blonde hair peeking from under her hood.

"Blasphemy!" More and more voices join from the crowd, as William notices more similarly dressed figures among them.

"Shame on church!" Another one cries. "She's innocent!"

The priest looks down towards the crowd, his expression of utter viciousness. "Well, if that were true, God wouldn't let her die at stake, would he now?"

At that all the black cloaked figures move towards the platform with so much intent even the priest takes a step back. Soldiers hold their muskets at the ready, the tension is palpable. 

Then William notices more figures creeping towards the front, something in their hands and his throat tightens.

"They're planning-"

"Hide. Now!" Erasmus growls at him.

Without delay he picks up Joshua and rushes away from the crowd, away from Erasmus, Julia, John and the rest. The boy clings to him easily and looks up at him with more understanding than a six year old boy should. 

"It will be okay, everything will be okay." William repeats over and over, maybe more to himself than to Joshua. They turn into the closest alley, but he can't make himself go any further. The guilt of running away weighs heavily around his shoulders.

He watches as Erasmus, John and the rest position themselves closer to the front. The priest having regained his composure, safe behind the guards, reaches out for a torch.

A small object is thrown from the crowd and onto the platform and that's when all hell breaks loose. There's a deafening noise; smoke and cries fill the air, confusing him even further. With Joshua closely clutched to his chest, he scrambles towards the nearest doorway. 

That's when the wind hits him with so much strength he nearly collapses. Once he looks up the centre of the gale is clear - Julia's hood falls back, her eyes glow and a thick whirlwind encircles her.

"Shoot the witch!" The priest shouts, trying to be heard among all of the commotion. 

There are people fighting on the platform, now and again shots can be heard. The pyre is burning after all, the stake might now be empty or not - he isn't sure. He's searching for the glimpse of that red hair, but it's nowhere to be seen.

He breathes heavily and finally manages to open the door. Inside there is a family with two children, no less terrified than him, curled together on the floor. It takes one glance at Joshua and no words at all and then they're huddled together by the wall. William peeks through the window, still desperate to make sense of the battle from his limited point of view. 

Someone stands on the platform and yells "no more Inquisition!" Then a shot can be heard and the figure falls forward to the ground, but overall the people seem to be gaining advantage. 

Despite William's best efforts, Joshua manages to have a look through the window and the wind suddenly picks up in its strength, more aggressive than before. Thunder pierces the sky and rain falls heavily to the ground extinguishing the fire.

"Ease off!" Someone yells.

"It's not me!" He hears Julia's answer from a distance.

William looks down into his arms at the curled little figure, his small hands tightening their grip around William's chest and that's when he understands, he's been looking for the solution in the wrong place all along.

He clasps his arms around Joshua and whispers to his ear. "It's okay, little one. I'm here, you're safe now." He strokes Joshua's hair in a slow rhythm and finally the boy's breathing evens again, the rain turns into a drizzle. 

William dares to look through the window and sees the clouds move away and people cheering outside. The pyres now destroyed, dark cloaked figures gathering around what appears to be Julia.

He nods and smiles to the family next to him, confirming what they've already anticipated and then turns his attention towards the boy in his arms. 

"How are you feeling, little one?" He asks, cradling Joshua in his arms. The boy looks up at him with those big blue eyes and smiles.

"Better," he says and yawns. William tousles his hair and releases breath he didn't realize he's been holding until now. 

*

Joshua was so exhausted that he fell asleep right there in William's arms. The family, whose cottage they stormed into, offered a bed for the boy and their genuine concern made William accept it. 

He runs out looking for a glimpse of that slender figure, flash of the red hair. But once he's out he realises the casualties are higher than in any of the villages they liberated before. 

Muskets are a new invention, a weapon of the future, William thinks bitterly, that kills from a distance so you never have to see the face of your enemy.

He walks among the injured and helps to bandage minor wounds, fighting the tremble of hands.

Julia takes care of anyone with more serious injuries, healing them with magic as much as she can. Some people refuse on principle, but most accept the help of a witch. Her sleeves are rolled up, unveiling the vast burn on her arm that William almost forgot about.

Their gazes meet over the distance.

Things fall into focus to him that This is what he wanted - sorcerers fighting hand in hand with people against the Inquisition. This is not how he imagined it.

He kneels by the frame of a sturdy man he knew only briefly, but who he cared about dearly already. There's not much more to do than close John's eyes and let him rest now.

"Innocent people caught in the crossfire." Erasmus mutters appearing out of nowhere. "And that's whatever is left by the plague."

"Oh thank _God_ , you're alive!" William clings to him a bit too openly in the public and composes himself before noticing blood on Erasmus's sleeves. "You're bleeding! Julia can-"

"No!" Erasmus reacts too abruptly, but he reflects himself. "No, she only has as much energy to spare and it's not deep anyway." 

His voice doesn't tremble, but the way his face twists and his brows draw together doesn't escape William's attention. "Can I have a look then?"

Erasmus's eyes widen and perhaps his cheeks burn a little but he doesn't protest. "I - yeah. Yes, sure."

William leads Erasmus to one of the cottages they turned into a makeshift infirmary. Erasmus sits on the wooden floor and William kneels by his side. 

They're alone.

Very carefully William rips the fabric of Erasmus's sleeve and leg of his trousers with ease. He traces a wet sponge over cuts that indeed aren't deep. He has seen and patched much worse wounds before, the sight of blood never made him sick, but at the sight of blood on his lover's arm-

His hand and the sponge drops to the ground.

"I'm sorry, I-"

"It's okay, angel," Erasmus traces his cheek with his good hand, "it doesn't hurt."

"I can't - I can't lose you." William stammers, suddenly feeling very weak. He leans his forehead on Erasmus's chest who embraces him in turn, places a kiss on his hair.

He's never had _so much_ , never allowed himself to want _anything._ There is a flash of fear at the realisation he has everything now, and that means he has everything to lose. 

"You never will, you never can." Erasmus whispers soothing promises directly into his ear, places a stolen kiss to his ear.

"Do you need help?" An unfamiliar voice asks and they both jolt. William stands up immediately, wipes his streaked face as covert as he can. A woman he has never seen before bustles around the room taking bandages and other medical paraphernalia. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," she adds and looks at Erasmus and his half-patched wounds. "You two seem very close."

Her tone is ambiguous and William can't figure out if it's an accusation or if he's just imagining it. He's sure he just turned a whiter shade of pale, his hands clasp and unclasp entirely in its own. "Yes, well-"

"We've both in it from the beginning, known each other for a very long time." Erasmus quickly supplies a simple answer without even looking at any of them. It's so believable it gives William pause. 

"Yes, that's - I suppose that's exactly right." He says, impressed with the truth dressed as a lie, and forces himself to smile.

The woman gives them a dampened smile in return and walks away without another word. As soon as she is out of sight, Erasmus's long arms are on William's waist and chest, embracing him and pulling closer. "But we are, _very_ close in fact, so close that-"

" _Erasmus,"_ William breathes out a fond, but exasperated sigh. "How can we keep pretending like this? When we first kissed it felt - I felt like being myself again, uncovering years of - of - uncertainty and fear. I thought everything would change, but -"

"But it didn't and you have to keep on pretending just like before, I know. It doesn't feel fair, does it." It's not a question. William nods and Erasmus buries his nose in his neck, places a kiss there. "But we have each other now, it's all that matters."

"Someone's coming." William says and hates himself for pulling out of the embrace first. Erasmus's arms withdraw and he feels the chill around his spine and chest. A hollow where another half of him should be at all times, not only when no one's looking.

By the time the stranger comes in, William is finishing bandaging Erasmus's cuts. 

"William of Neath?" A man turns towards him and William nods. "Letter for you. Confidential."

William frowns, but takes the letter from the messenger who disappears a moment later. He breaks the seal and carefully reads every word twice, not believing in the message they all form together.

"And?" Erasmus asks impatiently.

"It's from one of the local lords, he wants to meet somewhere discreet, see if we can help each other."

Erasmus eyes widen and his usual smirk is back. "That's amazing news! What's the name?"

"Lockhart. Do you know him?" William folds the paper and hides it in his pocket. He knows nothing about politics.

"I know _of_ him. He vouched _against_ bringing the Inquisition to Orsya in the first place. Everyone back on our side hated him, which says something really. He's one of the more powerful ones from the opposition. _This_ can really aid our cause."

William brightens at this small victory.

“So when are we going?” Erasmus maintains his smirk as William's features darken. 

“Oh - oh, I don’t think - I should probably go alone, take Julia with me perhaps, less gossip that way. People already started noticing..." He starts rambling, fidgeting with the hem of his robe again. 

Everything he's been so desperate for - the glances, touches, all the words and whispers - now a threat that might cost them their lives. And he's becoming careless, they both are.

The hurt blooms across Erasmus's face, it's there only for a few moments, but it's enough for the pain to twist in his own guts. Erasmus turns his face away. “Right, of course. Sure.”

William wants to reassure him somehow, but doesn't know what they're allowed here, what is an acceptable compromise between too close and not enough? He puts a hand on Erasmus's shoulder. "Oh, don't look at me like that. Once I'm back we can maybe _go to the forest together_. Or you could catch me that rabbit you keep promising."

 _Go to the forest_ _together -_ in reality where they couldn't be seen together and when there is no place for them to be alone, this became their secret code for _I want you so much I can't breathe and won't be able to until your touch takes me apart and makes me whole again._

It must have hit a nerve, because he looks back at William, but his face doesn’t brighten up. "If I do, you'll stop coming back to me."

It cuts deep, but he only squeezes Erasmus's shoulder in what he hopes is reassuring. "You know that's not true."

 _What if this is not enough? What if it will never be?_ His thoughts spiral out of control again on the topic he can't seem to let go, a sad reminder of the world around them that will never accept them.

As much as he would like to pull Erasmus close again, there are other people outside waiting for his help. So he goes out into the evening and afterwards retires to his lonely room with one bed only for him, while Erasmus stays behind. 

**** roll up credits ***

[[Daughter - Tomorrow]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqxJ5oC7s1E&list=PLh0GzdP6yzlZLLoXU9HaQ_yImg7R7xOSR&index=17&t=0s)

_By tomorrow we'll be swimming with the fishes_   
_Leave our troubles in the sand_   
_And when the sun comes up_   
_We'll be nothing but dust_   
_Just the outlines of our hands_

_By tomorrow we'll be lost amongst the leaves_   
_In a wind that chills the skeletons of trees_   
_And when the moon, it shines, I will leave two lines_   
_Just find my love, then find me_

_But don't bring tomorrow_   
_'Cause I already know_   
_I'll lose you_   
_Don't bring tomorrow_   
_'Cause I already know_   
_I'll lose you_   
_I'll lose you_

_By tomorrow I'll be left in the darkness_   
_Amongst your cold sheets_   
_And your shoes will be gone_   
_And your body warmth no longer beside me_

_But don't bring tomorrow_   
_'Cause I already know_   
_I'll lose you_   
_Don't bring tomorrow_   
_'Cause I already know_   
_I'll lose_   
_I'll lose_   
_You_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry 😭
> 
> I'm taking longer again, because my previous betas don't have as much time and I'm obsessing over editing. The updates will probably be closer to every 9-10 days now, but will continue to appear, don't worry:)


	19. Defenseless (se04 ep04)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Erasmus's anxiety makes appearance as well as William's conflicted emotions...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's some emotional angst, some comfort too...

Episode 4

Fear gnaws at him like a pack of hungry wolves that redouble its efforts with every passing minute. Erasmus is staring into the distance, sitting on the town's defensive walls and popping his eyes out in search of a familiar silhouette who found its way into his heart. 

He shouldn't have let them go to see that Lord Whatever, not without him. What if it’s a trap? He is forcing himself to breathe evenly, in and out, while his brain helpfully provides the images of a ruined church, splintered wood sticking out like ribs of a dead monster. The one time they willingly separated. 

For the first few days they were gone, Erasmus managed to distract himself with various duties - helping the townsfolk after the battle, reinforcing the town walls, meeting with Joan and her group. If they were going to fight the Inquisition, this place was as good as any and people more than willing after what they have witnessed.

He'll never forget the look on Julia's face once the sky grew darker and the rain fell heavily on them, wind knocking both of them off their feet. He yelled to her then _that's enough, ease off, but_ her response was _it's not me._ Then the wind stopped and the sky cleared, leaving Erasmus lying on the ground, thinking _what the fuck was that._

Surely all of this proves they have a chance. Inquisition is just an organisation, not a country, its military capabilities limited (or so he was telling himself). He is the one that's supposed to have faith in all this, right? Right? They’re _not_ defenseless. 

But there were also other factors - the plague spreading within the walls of town to name just one.

 _We're alike. -_ the Grand Inquisitor's words suddenly reverberate in his skull twice as loud as the last time _you have to help me to stop the evil in this world._

_No! Shut up. Why are you still here?_

With all his strength he tries to drown the voice out. He has to get his shit together before William comes back, he has to be strong. It doesn’t last long. His eyes promptly fall on the little group approaching the town - William among them. _Finally._

Like a hungry cat he jumps down the stone stairs to greet them at the gate. His hands are aching to touch, his heart screams to embrace the figure in front of him, but he can't, not here. God forbid the touch would linger for too long - a misstep that would cost him the man to withdraw for days to come. He doesn't know if he could bear it. So he forces his hands to drop to his sides, the need for affection down his throat.

There is no amount of will that would make him forget the hesitation in William's eyes the morning after in Veld. Despite the night they spent together, despite William indisputably _wanting_ it. Erasmus doesn't know what would happen if he was faced with another rejection.

He knows they went too fast and did things out of order. There should have been hand touching and slow kisses, dates under the stars. There should have been anticipation, confessions and them snuggling until the morning light when it finally happened, instead of trying to survive the bottomless pit of anxiety.

 _I did this, I know._ He can never do anything right, whatever he touches turns into dust in his hands. He should have known better, but… 

...he was too afraid of it slipping through his fingers, so he desperately latched onto it, a fragile thing as it was, for that one chance in a million that it might just...

He knows, it's still early days for William, he's yet to learn how to navigate the new reality. It might still get better, it _will_ get better.

Erasmus has it all figured out already - people don't really pay that much attention to you, if you don't give them a reason to be suspicious. He learnt that if he walks like he owns the place, no one ever asks any questions. But William doesn't have that and must feel all the more exposed for it. 

But it will get better.

If only Erasmus could fix this somehow.

They stand by the gate and Erasmus carefully studies William's face, learns it like a litany, cataloguing every wrinkle and every little move of muscles. William smiles politely enough to him, but his eyes reveal conflict and sadness.

"Joan organised an underground net of spies here, from people converted from within the Inquisition." Erasmus says dryly as they are walking back up the stone staircase to the town's walls where the rest of the group awaits them (Joan, town’s mayor and a few other important people). It's factual, it's impersonal, but in truth every word is carefully considered.

Erasmus is hoping this bit of news will make William feel better - a proof that he's indeed changing lives, that it wasn't all for naught. And indeed, a moment later Erasmus is rewarded with that warm smile.

"Sometimes all a person needs is a second chance, a little hope." William says looking into his eyes and it goes straight into Erasmus's heart, making him feel weak in his knees.

" _Angel…_ " He whispers and stops, but William is already at the top and Joan is crushing him in her embrace. They haven't had a chance to speak after her rescue at all. William embraces her in turn and a cold spread of longing and envy spreads throughout Erasmus's stomach. He can barely breathe.

 _Out there, you’re nothing, but here… -_ The Grand Inquisitor’s voice starts again and he has to hold onto the cold stone and bite his cheek to bring himself back to reality. Not now, he’s needed now.

"I'm so glad you're here! Haven't had the time to properly thank you,” Joan says.

"I hope you're bringing good news." Erasmus chimes in with more bite than he intended. William sighs.

"They're not _exactly_ bad if that's any consolation." He starts fiddling with his hands and with the hem of his robe. “Lord Lockhart promised his help ' _as necessary_ ', ideally in an event to tip the balance so to say."

"So to join in with the winners." Erasmus spells it out, he could feel his limbs burning again with an immense disdain for the aristocracy.

"Well yes, that was my understanding too... As everyone else, he doesn't want to tarnish his reputation should anything go wrong.” William continues with a sad smile. "I mean, you can understand his point…"

 _Bullshit_ , Erasmus thinks, but he doesn't dare to say it. Does William feel responsible for this? Does he think he failed? 

"You did your best." They exchange looks, Erasmus sees it in William's eyes - he's not convinced. He chastises himself for the state of this world over and over, not seeing how big of a goal he set for himself, how difficult it is to achieve. But Erasmus is certain - if anyone can do it at all, it’s going to be William.

"Excuse me…" Julia frowns and moves towards the battlements as if the air has suddenly changed.

She sits cross-legged and her eyes turn white. Erasmus has seen it before, it always gave him the impression she was looking within herself. It lasts mere seconds, then she's back with them again. "They're coming here in big numbers with Vitalis at the forefront."

"Even I can feel something,” Joan says and turns towards William. “I hope your powerful friend keeps his word and shows up."

William swallows, "me too." 

“This is it, isn’t it?” Erasmus says hopping from one foot to the other. It feels rather too soon, but he realises that no amount of time would ever be enough. No amount of preparation could ever feel enough.

“I’m rather afraid that it might be.” William smiles in a way that doesn’t reach his eyes. “We should try to contact nearby villages and towns, send a call for aid. And also to all sorcerers and warlocks still out there, we need absolutely _everyone_.”

Julia nods and her eyes flip again. William approaches Joan to discuss what she can achieve with her group of ex-Seers, but Erasmus doesn’t hear any of that, lost in his own thoughts.

An immense amount of pride and admiration for the man fills his heart. It’s hard to believe it’s the same meek and quiet priest he met in one of the very forgettable villages somewhere far south.

 _And he chose me, of all the people -_ Erasmus thinks - _In a way anyway._

So why does he feel so heartbroken?

*

"We really shouldn't. What if someone sees us? There are watchtowers and all the exits are guarded. It's not a small village where you can just sneak out on a whim." William is adamant. They’re so close to achieving their goal, they have to be extra careful now. Everything else can wait.

"I talked to them already, said I will be scouting the forest tonight. They won't suspect anything." Erasmus says almost nonchalantly, but William can see through it, can read that desperation in his eyes. Doesn't he know that William feels it too? Maybe even worse, because he has to be the one pushing it all away, while still being torn in two.

"So they expect one person -"

"Angel, please. I just - I want to show you something. You need this… _I_ need this…" Erasmus says and stops almost terrified, as if afraid that he said the wrong word and William doesn't think he can stand it any longer.

"Yes, okay." He says and sees Erasmus light up like a flame. His hand reaches for William before he can react and places two kisses to his cheeks.

"Not here -"

"Right, yes. Okay."

They walk out of the town walls and down towards the forest, it’s colder than he anticipated. Erasmus lights an oil lamp and it would even be romantic if not for the circumstances. A faint drizzle that stays in the air rather than falls to the ground accompanies them all the way, making everything imperceptibly wet.

As soon as they take a turn towards an overgrown path leading down, William's ears pick up the soft murmur of a river. He raises his brows, but Erasmus only grins at him, mysteriously.

The descent is quite demanding, for him anyway. Erasmus overcomes the difference in levels quickly, jumping over the fallen branches, exposed roots and boulders like a cat. But whenever William reaches out with his hand, Erasmus is always there to catch him and doesn't let him fall. 

Eventually they reach the bottom where a trail of white pebbles leads towards the most spectacular waterfall he's ever seen. Water cascading off a tall ledge high above them and down towards a stream, not even ankles deep.

"Oh my," William stands stunned, while Erasmus grins like an idiot.

"Right? Told you, you wouldn't regret it."

It was true, he didn’t regret it.. He can’t remember when was the last time they were allowed to be themselves without any restrictions. It might have been the barn that they have left behind.

Erasmus offers his hand, as cold as his, and William takes it, even though they are on an even surface now. Together they approach the ninety feet tall wall of water. 

"I found this, when I was scouting the area and instantly thought about you."

They sit on a trunk of a fallen tree and listen to the soft hum of water, Erasmus wrapped in William's arm, cheek by cheek. And as they watch the drop of water, transfixed, he doesn't even feel the cold anymore.

“It’s not exactly an ocean, but it’s a start.” Erasmus says. “One day, we will build ourselves a cottage in a place like this, by the river and waterfall and we’ll live there, just the two of us, away from the whole wide world.” He says lacing his fingers with William’s, who really wants to believe it’s possible. Does Erasmus think it is? Or is he just saying so to make him feel better?

"You, a person of sun in a damp place like this?" William says treading his free hand in Erasmus's soft hair, letting it loose to fall freely around his face. 

"Shut up." Erasmus says quickly, turning a brighter shade of red. "A man can dream."

"I would like that," William says finally and it punches an unexpected vulnerable noise from the man’s lungs. "It's not that different from my home town. Only, you know, wetter." He winds his arms stronger around Erasmus's chest. It feels _right,_ like he can provide at least some minimal protection. “I liked the trees, I used to climb them when I was little. I was afraid of heights so I figured it would make it go away somehow.” Saying it feels entirely too candid and exposing, but it doesn’t feel bad, not around Erasmus. 

"Did it work?" The man in front of him asks without looking back. William can feel his frame melting into him.

"No, but I got really good at climbing." William says truthfully. “Once I went up so high that I didn’t know how to get back down, my leg slipped and I... fell.”

“What happened?”

“Agnes caught me.” 

There is a long silence after which Erasmus speaks first “I will rescue her, angel.”

William knows there is no way this could happen now, he's made his choice. But he also knows that if there was even the smallest chance, Erasmus would take it in a heartbeat.

"I know my darling," he says kissing the bundle of red hair in front of him. "You're my star shining in the darkness and showing me the way." 

Erasmus squirms slightly in William's embrace. Encouraged by this, William’s hand reaches to his thigh, but then is quickly stopped. Their fingers lace together, effectively trapping him in place.

"I thought you wanted…?" William asks, surprised.

"No, angel. I just wanted to be near you."

"Ah," William's heart constricts in that very painful way. It shouldn't, it's an innocent statement, but the meaning behind it is stinging him like a needle.

_You're rationing him your affection, how could he not be hungry for it?_

"But if you…" Erasmus continues, turns around. He guides William to stand and lets him lean on the tree behind. It reminds him of a certain dream he had so very long ago now. 

There are arms bracketing him in an embrace, feather light lips landing on his. There's the weight of Erasmus's body, the heat of him, so familiar and perfect. The bark of a tree engraves itself painfully on William's back like a retribution for what is about to happen any moment now. As if on a cue, Erasmus falls down to his knees and William stops breathing, entangling his fingers in that soft red waves, brilliant as ever.

Somehow, it tastes of guilt and salt on his mouth.

"You're _\- oh,_ you're so _perfect-"_ A whimper escapes him.

Somehow, they ended up in William's love story - risking their lives for just a _chance_ they might be together. Acting without a plan, never knowing what will come next. 

When did that happen? 

"Oh, you feel so _good_." William says between gasps, tugging at Erasmus's hair, fighting a losing battle to regain even a scrap of self-control.

It's not fair on Erasmus, he deserves so much better than to scrape his knees on broken branches in the dark of the night.

No, William's no angel. What kind of angel would allow their lover a life like _this_?

" _Darling,_ I'm-"

His body stutters and relaxes just as he hears a rustle of leaves, the sound of twigs cracking. His heart stops in his chest. If this is anyone from the village, _oh God,_ what are they going to do!?

“Someone’s coming.” He whispers, trying to catch his breath and gestures Erasmus to stand up.

"Is someone there?" A female voice asks as more steps follow.

Both of them hold their breaths, the lamp is promptly extinguished. Erasmus pushes himself in front of William, covering him with his own body, his hand reaching to his pocket. William wants to say something, but he’s too paralysed.

The figure moves closer and walks out of the shadow. Her black eyes stare directly at them, her mouth quirks in the slightest of smiles.

“Ah, it’s only you."

William exchanges confused looks with Erasmus. _Shouldn’t she… isn’t she…_

“What? Did you think I didn’t know?” Julia folds her arms and smirks.

“Well, actually… What the fuck? Since when do you know!?” Erasmus bursts, his arms still spreading protectively in front of William, still not quite believing there's no danger and not willing to take any chances.

“Since around the time you wiped your mouth after I kissed you, maybe?” She says and Erasmus’s cheeks turn bright pink. He starts to fumble on words, but Julia cuts him off. “It’s fine, really. But you two should be more careful. Anyone could wander off and find you here." At their disbelieving looks she adds simply, "I know how it feels to be persecuted for who you are."

Only then Erasmus's arms relax and he sheaths his dagger. The unexpected acceptance should have calmed William too, but instead it makes his thoughts spiral out of control. 

_If Julia was able to figure this out, then how many more? How long before it becomes obvious to people around them?_

William hangs his head in shame. He knows it’s all become an impossible dream - too big too quickly. His heart is beating rapidly and he grabs Erasmus's hand for support. The red haired man embraces him in turn.

"It's alright, everything will be okay." He whispers into his ear, when Julia steps away. 

_Will it?_ He wants to ask. _What does it all matter if I can't even protect you?_

_Why do I feel so… defenseless..?_

**** roll up credits ***

[ [What it is to be loved - Aurora] ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2bjTFdezG8)

_Waking up_  
_Thinking of what it is to be loved_  
_Should I know_  
_On my own, on a road_

_What it is to be loved?_

_You touched my skin, so warm but_  
_Time is cold and trust me_  
_I would know in my heart_  
_I'm the half of a whole_  
_And it's making me feel so alone_

_Waking up_  
_Thinking of what it is to be loved_

_I tell myself I have to build defenses_  
_'Cause once you are in love, you are defenseless_  
_Everything was easy when it meant less_  
_But once you are in love, you are defenseless_

_Nobody knows me, nobody knows me_  
_I'm never lonely_  
_Until someone holds me_  
_And it's all just to show me_  
_How it's like to be loved_

_How it's like to be loved_  
_I take flight when you hold me_  
_Is that how you show me_  
_How it's like to be loved?_

_I tell myself I have to build defenses_  
_'Cause once I am in love I'll be_  
_Once I am in love, I'll be defenseless_  
_Defenseless_  
_Once I am in love, I'll be defenseless_


	20. Last time (se04 ep05)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the situations like these that get them into trouble, making all the other measures he takes pointless. 
> 
> The Inquisition is practically on their doorstep and will be here any day now. William doesn't want to take any more measures, he's so tired of constantly looking behind his back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, fair warning - it starts cute with a tinge of angst to blow up by the end of it. It's the lowest point in the story, it will get better <3
> 
> Trigger warning for action/battle, dramatic and emotional moments, a bit of blood and some mild shaming.

Episode 5

William is staring at the ceiling of his bedroom, at the plaster peeling off and little cracks around it. The draft that seeps through, like fear into his taped heart. It has sunk its roots deep.

It's easier to bear when he can occupy his mind, but here at night there is nothing left to do, but look at the cobwebs fluttering in the breeze, wondering if the spiders are disturbed by it at all.

That's good, that's some to think about. Otherwise his mind might start to analyse every passing comment that he heard today, every odd glance, every innocent touch. Because there's always someone watching.

For the last few days he hasn't spoken with anyone at all. Too scared of getting it wrong, of making them _notice._

And yet Erasmus always found him in his solitude.

William closes his eyes and swallows thickly. He knows, for him Erasmus is the beginning and end of every road, a blessing sent from heaven and at the same time something forbidden, something he wasn't meant to taste. Something he might so easily lose. It's beyond terrifying. He curls into a ball in his bed.

He muttered the magic three words to William once (and only once) in the barn of a small village far north, but William hasn't forgotten. He didn't respond back then, he doesn't know if he would respond now. They haven't talked about it and now they never might.

 _Everyone I love is in this room._ Another memory that plagues his mind, punches him in the stomach like a ton of bricks. He's been so blind for so long and gave back so little. The guilt of it all pulls him down underneath the surface and he feels like drowning. 

He hears a distant cry. It lasts only a second, but he recognised the voice. _Joshua._

He jumps out of the bed and runs down the stairs, leaping two stars in one go. He opens the door to Joshua and Julia's room and sees a lean figure with loose red hair holding the boy in his arms and swaying. William's heart melts instantly. He doesn't dare to move not to spoil the moment.

"Just a bad dream," Erasmus murmurs stroking the boy's hair.

“S'not," Joshua mumbles a response. "I know it's not. I just can't remember…"

Erasmus inhales and looks back at William, brows drawing together in a brokenhearted plea. How can they possibly answer? 

William takes a step forward and kneels in front of them, levels his gaze with the boy. "What was the dream about?" He asks cautiously.

The boy pulls away from Erasmus, but his eyes land on everything, but William. "You and, uh, and mum, and other people too. We're trapped and there's fire. Roof falls down and… this is when I wake up. Is it real? Did that happen?"

"Yes," William confirms quietly and places one hand on Joshua's cheek as he says so. 

"Was it me?"

It takes William a while to process the question and understand it for what it is.

"Oh, sweetheart. Of course not. You opened a portal for us, you've saved us." He's hesitant, but nods eventually. 

Erasmus kisses the boy's head and this is when Joshua turns towards him.

"I could do that."

Erasmus blinks, "do what?"

"What you asked, open a portal to that castle. To Agnes."

"I haven't..." He starts, opens his mouth, then closes it again. "Are you…?"

"I think that's quite enough for one night." William cuts in, carefully taking the boy from Erasmus's arms and tucks him back to sleep. 

"You really are an angel." Joshua says and when William frowns, the boy adds, "dad says you are."

He frowns, it takes him a while to understand the implications of his words. He looks at Erasmus who is blushing and wonders how he can even explain this.

"It's just, erm, just a figure of speech, sweetie."

"Well I think you are. An angel, I mean," he says curling around a small thing in his hands. William recognises the ragged rabbit Joshua remade from old rags into a toy and something in his mind uncovers.

The day the three of them first appeared in Neath, he gave Joshua his own stuffed toy. It was old and falling apart, but Joshua had made it anew somehow. 

His first use of power is not destroying, never was! It's _repairing_! They walk outside into the dark corridor lit only with oil lamps, shadow dancing on their faces. He wants to share his revelation, but his thoughts shift rapidly onto the more pressing issue. 

"We can't let him conjure a portal again," William says hurriedly. The thought alone fills him with dread. Of course Erasmus knows what happened, but he hasn't _seen_ it, he wasn't there. 

Erasmus frowns and shifts uncomfortably. "I know. I would never… Listen, it was just a thought! How could he even…?" Erasmus rubs his eyes with his palm, but his mouth quirks in a smile. "He's incredible, isn't he?"

"Always was," William smiles. "He thrust that shovel into my hands back in Veld." 

He sees Erasmus looking at him with mild disbelief, which makes him double-guess himself again. No, he _knows_ that happened. He opens his mouth to protest, but Erasmus speaks first.

"I'm afraid he _will_ participate in the battle whether we plan for it or not. He'll see us in danger… and that will be it.

William sighs, "I'm afraid you're right, it's better if _we_ plan it."

They stand in silence for a while afterwards. William dreading going back into the room alone and Erasmus nervously shifting from one leg to the other with an unspoken question on his lips.

The light continues to dance on their faces and despite the painful throbbing of fear in his veins, William reaches out. Their hands lace together in the darkness and he decides if there's anything that could hide them, it will be the night. 

They walk together in silence to William's room, but when the doors open with a creak his resolve falters. It's the situations like these that get them into trouble, making all the other measures he takes pointless. 

"Erasmus, you shouldn't be here." 

William utters the words and feels his fingers tightening around his hand. 

"I'll leave before dawn, no one has seen us, I checked" Erasmus's voice is raspy, a convict led to his execution, his words tangling on himself. "Promise."

For all they know it might be their last night together, Inquisition is practically on their doorstep and will be here any day now. He doesn't want to take any more measures, he's so tired of constantly looking behind his back. 

He squeezes Erasmus's hand and nods, the convict allowed to live another day.

They tangle themselves in a bed that is far too small for the two of them, but it hardly matters, when Erasmus is sinking into William's warmth. He caresses Erasmus's neck in turn and listens to the soft purrs he produces. It's not long before his breath evens out in sleep, his chest rising and falling in a rhythm.

If they can bear it for just a little longer, maybe they could finally get away from this once and for all.

William entangles his hands in Erasmus's bright red hair and closes his eyes, hoping for a better tomorrow.

*

He opens his eyes to the first rays of sunlight and Erasmus is indeed already gone. He tries to ignore the dull pain in his chest and goes about his usual routine. He has to focus, there are more important things, his personal issues will have to wait.

It's been several days since that night in the forest and Erasmus expects the Inquisition to arrive today, the attack might come at any point.

A small number of sorcerers and warlocks that can be counted on the fingers of his one hand have responded to the call, even less arrived on time. William prays to whoever would listen that it is enough.

He arrives at the walls to see Erasmus exchanging last minute ideas with one of the warlocks that William doesn't know. If he were to attempt a description, he would say the person likely rolled out straight out of the forest this morning, leaves and moss all over their hair and clothes.

Erasmus smiles as soon as he notices William and waves the warlock away.

"Are we ready then?" William asks, looking beyond the walls. The Inquisition's squadron is bigger than anything they ever fought against, but it definitely wasn't all of their available forces.

"As ready as we'll ever be." Erasmus says. "We're lucky really, their numbers are small. Vitalis was always prone to arrogance." The man smiles to himself, glancing beyond the walls. "He won't try any tricks either, he wants to prove he can take us with their sheer force. It's a show of power."

"Are you sure?" William is not inclined to jump to conclusions.

"I know him." Erasmus says with conviction that William knows comes from the years of working together in the Inquisition. There's a short exchange of looks between them, Erasmus looks away and William doesn't ask. _It's in the past,_ he reminds himself. _Whoever he was long ago, it doesn't matter._ "They will try to storm the gates, but we have a few tricks of our own, tar to begin with. The walls manned with anyone who's old enough to wield a sword." 

"Do you think we can win?"

Erasmus sweeps the ground beneath them with his eyes again, heavy armoured soldiers with muskets, one canon, but no sorcerers. Then his gaze shifts to their side - men and boys of all age, untrained and scared. There's a couple of sorcerers and warlocks. And Joshua. 

"I'd say we stand a pretty good chance."

"Erasmus… are we doing the right thing?"

His hands twitch to take Erasmus's hands in theirs, but then he remembers, fear piercing him like a spear, not for the first time. His hand fall to his side. He still feels the soft curls on his palm, weaved in between his fingers, the phantom of their night together. It couldn’t be the last time.

"Angel, I've been running away, maybe for all of my life. I left home and the Inquisition behind and I've been running ever since. But now, for the first time, I don't want to. I want to be here and fight back. With you, and those people," Erasmus points to all the boys and men on the walls. To all the warlocks and sorcerers, "they want to fight too."

William looks around, of course, he's not here alone. He never wanted to fight, but what choice do they have? He swallows loudly.

"Do you think they will try to negotiate first?"

There is a whistle of an arrow flying over their head, followed by other projectiles being flung over their heads. William stumbles to his feet, Erasmus is by his side in an instant.

"I believe this answers your question," he says and helps him to the stairs leading down to town. "Go, I'll see you when this is over." Erasmus's gaze lingers as if hesitating, then he shakes his head and is gone.

William rushes down into the same townhouse they've turned into an infirmary on the first day they arrived here. There's a few people taking shelter here, but William's primary concern is the boy. The most important task. 

"We will need the rain," he tells Joshua as calmly as possible. _Soon there will be a lot of fire,_ he thinks but doesn't say it. "And something to stop the rocks that are being thrown at us."

Joshua nods as if it was the most ordinary request, such as 'tidy your room' and not trying to fight the unstoppable force of the Inquisition.

William doesn't know how the boy does it, there are no grand gestures or anomalies around him like with Julia, but the clouds seem to be darkening on the sky, the breeze picking up to counter the stone hail.

Outside, William is aware, the sorcerers, warlocks and a group of Seers are joining their forces against the most deadly machines humanity was able to produce. There is a group of boys and men holding their ground against much better equipped Inquisition soldiers. There is Erasmus trying to stop the unstoppable. 

If they fail now, everything will be lost.

A sound of thunder jolts William from his thoughts. He's not afraid of it. He wishes he had even the smallest amount of power, even as little as Seers do, so he could move onto their magic plane and read how the battle is progressing, but he only has his two eyes and a small window to look through.

He tries to peek out, only a little, only to get an _idea_ how they are doing. 

It starts raining just as the gate gives out and the Inquisition floods inside. William takes a deep breath and takes out his sword that he barely knows how to use, despite Erasmus's best efforts to teach him. It will have to be enough.

Skirmish breaks out on the streets as some soldiers manage to get past the gates, where the majority of fighting is now taking place. Bullets are flying everywhere, despite best efforts of the sorcerers to contain them. A lone soldier runs past their window and falls face first to the ground, hit with a flaming arrow. 

The rain is getting stronger, its big droplets falling heavy on the ground. 

He sees one warlock, it could be the same William has seen this morning, but he can't tell from the distance, moving to stand in front of the raging fight by the gates. His hands turn into branches that grow, encompassing the whole fighting. He rubs his eyes, but the warlock, or maybe now a rather large tree is still there like a long forgotten legend no one wants to believe in anymore. The Inquisition's soldiers run away screaming at the sight of it alone.

With the corner of his eye, he sees a man and a woman trying to outrun the commotion. William is a step away from opening the doors to let them in, when he notices the way he is twisting the poor woman's arm and this is when William notices the man's awful burn scar on his face. Something twists within his stomach, but his hand only closes tighter around his sword.

There is a muffled conversation on the outside as the couple approaches and then knocking that quickly turns into pounding. "Open up!" 

"Dad…?" Joshua asks hesitantly and his heart constricts painfully, he remembers their conversation from the night before. _We both are,_ he realises. 

He squeezes Joshua tightly. "It's alright, it will be alright. You have to be brave now, okay? Go with Martha and listen to her. I will catch you up later."

The boy chews on his lower lip, but nods obediently and William places a kiss on his head, hoping there will be a 'later'. "I love you," he tells the boy and feels his eyes prickling, he pushes that feeling away.

He watches them rushing up the staircase. From there, William knows, they can jump out the first floor window and walk over the roofs.

But that is not where he is going.

The doors give eventually, but William is ready. He's been ready for some time.

Vitalis stands in front of him and William is not, strictly speaking, afraid. Maybe it was a long time coming, maybe he always knew how it would end. He raises his sword.

"You!" Vitalis's eyes go wide and his face turns red. He looks much older than William remembers him, though it couldn't have been more than a year since they saw each other last time. "The heretic priest! You've turned many people on the wrong path."

"No. I've only shown them the truth. I gave them a choice. I let them decide."

Their blades cross and of course he's barely as good as the man in front of him, but he won't go without a fight. He will do his best. 

"You let them decide to sin," Vitalis says and he must have caught a glimpse of hesitation on William's face, because he continues. "You're not sure, are you? You lack conviction in your choices and yet here you are. Hiding the boy from me."

The question takes him off guard. He briefly remembers their long forgotten conversation in a burning church. _You can go back, you can still repent._

Since then, many of his doubts have cleared, he found answers to his questions, all except one. But that's not something Vitalis could know about, could he? 

A sudden pain pierces him as a knife sinks into the back of his calf. He screams and drops his sword, clutching his wound that makes him spasm in pain. He looks at the woman he almost forgot about in disbelief, the bloodied weapon still in her hands.

Vitalis laughs. It's a horrid sort of sound, echoing in William's skull as he moves closer. "See? _This_ is true devotion, this is unquestioned faith. Heretics, all end up the same way eventually. You can't win with God."

It's not as a good way to go as he had hoped for. Not as heroic, but he supposes that's fair enough. He is not a hero, he thinks huddling into a corner.

"Blind following is not faith. You don't have believers, you have slaves." He says, bracing for the impact that he knows must be coming any minute now.

"How dare you speak to God's messenger like that?! I'll show you-"

"Vitalis!" Someone yells from the door and they all thun around to see a red haired figure covered in blood, there is something very demonic in that view, in the man's terrifying eyes that are fixed on Vitalis now. One of those Inquisition's deadly weapons aimed straight at their enemy.

"Nicolas," Vitalis says in that careful voice, gauging the musket. "Surely by now that _thing_ is out of bullets-" 

"Wanna bet?" Erasmus hisses and raises the gun to his head. "Drop your weapons."

Vitalis does as he's told without a delay as does the woman next to him.

"Move," he gestures them away from William and approaches himself.

"You alright?" Erasmus whispers and his voice is so soft William can't believe it comes from the same person who was threatening the Inquisitor a moment ago.

William nods. He might be hurt, but it's nothing serious and somehow it doesn't even hurt that much. _Probably stopped the blood loss,_ he concludes, even though he doesn't think that's possible.

"Let me go or she dies." Vitalis says suddenly and William's eyes widen when he sees a knife by the poor woman's throat.

"You can't seriously be thinking that I care about-"

"Drop your games, I know you, Nicky. You hate when innocent people get hurt."

Erasmus doesn't say anything, but he doesn't move either.

"Watch out," William yells but it's too late. Vitalis shoves the woman onto Erasmus, his gun swinging in the air as they both fall to the ground.

Vitalis reaches for the musket with no haste. He points it at Erasmus.

"No!" William throws himself in front of the man, covering him with his own body, he feels Erasmus's hands digging into his flesh, trying to push him away, their hands somehow finding each other and then…

Click.

Nothing happens.

"I should have known you were bluffing, you were always a crook." Vitalis says throwing the gun away, it drops with a clunk. The woman takes this moment to run away, crying as she goes past Vitalis. He doesn't stop her. 

Vitalis looks down at them, at their entangled bodies, at their laced fingers. He looks between the two of them and starts laughing. "Really? You two, _together_!?" His laugh is low, guttural and it cuts deep in William's own heart. Deep feeling of shame washes over him. "Then there is only one fate for you." 

He takes out his sword, which is parried with Erasmus' own daggers swiftly produced from their hidden spots.

"You first!" Erasmus grits through his teeth and swings his daggers at him. His steps are light, calculated, Erasmus dances around him easily and avoids Vitalis's heavy blade, first cut fall on the Inquisitor's shoulder, second on his thigh.

"What's the matter, Vitalis? God suddenly not in your favour?"

Vitalis gasps and roars. He looks mad now. His own attacks are sloppy and miscalculated. The fighting moves out on the streets, heavy rain still falling down, washing over them. William limps after them, settles himself in the door frame. 

Erasmus is calm, cautiously circling around Vitalis with his daggers. "Your mission is to get the boy, but you really want me, don't you? You wanted to get me since the Grand Inquisitor let me go. I bet he did that against you. How _humiliating_ it must have been, your plan failing like that."

Vitalis growls and lunges forward. William doesn't see the cut that lands somewhere in his chest. There is a scream and drops to the ground. He clutches his wound. "Nicolas…" he utters, looking at the red blotch on his hand with wide eyes.

"Don't call me that," Erasmus barks. 

Vitalis flops onto his back, gasps. "You can change your name, but you can never... run away from... who you really are." He rasps, coughs some more and then his eyes go still. 

There is something unnerving in the way Erasmus stands without the slightest move, staring at the corpse in silence.

William can feel the wind and rain easing now and he looks to the sky. Its colour changing into bright blue. He looks towards the gate - there are people cheering and shouting, but he can't make out the words. They're calling someone a hero maybe, or maybe it's something else. 

There is a new tree growing right in front of the gates.

“You’re alright?” Erasmus's arms are around him crushing him in his tight embrace. There is a kiss placed on William's forehead, then his fingers reaching to look at his wound. He winces, _everyone_ can _see._

"Don't touch me!" William says harsher than he wanted to and yanks his hands away. Erasmus freezes, looks at William confused. "Vitalis noticed-" William says and hopes it's enough of an explanation. He's lost, terrified, trembling.

"Vitalis is dead!" Erasmus shouts angrily and points to the corpse on the street, "he can't hurt us anymore."

More people are moving their way, bringing the good news that they have indeed _won._ William feels their questioning gazes like a searing seal on his skin. He swallows thickly. " _He_ is, but who will be next? We'll never be safe, the people-"

"Fuck the people!"

"You don't really think that, I know you don't."

Erasmus's hands are tightening around his own again and it's a painful callback to their first conversation about this. 

"Angel, don't do this again. We can find a way to make it work. We could, uh, find new places to meet and-" 

"Listen to yourself. It's not as if we could _run away together_ , hole up in a nice secluded cottage for the rest of our lives, far away from all… this." He says and he knows, he _knows_ just how much he wants that dream to come true, how much he wants it despite everything. "I can't leave it all behind, can't leave these people behind. That's my life now, always will be. _Please._ " He says that with a shaky voice, his eyes already prickling as Erasmus takes a step back, perks his brow.

"And what about us?" 

"There's no us. It was never going to work."

The redhead's lips draw into a thin line, his limbs locked in a cold anticipation. William knows they're both a step away from breaking, but there's no other way. He still feels soft hair tangled around his fingers, he didn’t know he was holding it for the last time.

“Why do you say that?” Erasmus asks.

“Because it’s true.”

He can barely manage to look into Erasmus's eyes, see the hurt in them. Hurt that he himself put there, tears are already streaking his face, he can't stop them.

"Right then." Erasmus turns around as William is falling apart. More people are coming their way, someone is asking if they're hurt. Erasmus points them towards William, to the wound that is only a fraction of the pain he is feeling right now.

"Have a happy life," Erasmus murmurs and William watches him go. 

**** roll up credits ***

[[You Are a Memory - Message To Bears]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZRZZJ0DUQs)

_I was calling_  
_For the last time_  
_We've been here before_  
_They found the pictures in the snow_  
_I can tell your eyes_  
_Looked beneath the blue_  
_I walk underneath the trees_  
_For the first time_

_I was calling_  
_For the last time_  
_We've been here before_  
_Found the pictures in the snow_  
_Found the pictures in the snow_  
_I walk underneath the trees_

_For the first time_

_I was calling_  
_For the last time_  
_We've been here before_  
_They found the pictures in the snow_  
_I can tell your eyes_  
_Looked beneath the blue_  
_I walk underneath the trees_  
_For the first time_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry it's taken me this long, the inspiration isn't always there and sometimes I need to give it a rest to write something I am even partially happy with.
> 
> Also since my betas are still extremely busy, if anyone would like to volunteer to bounce ideas with me and check my spelling, hit me up!:)


	21. If there is trouble, get a message to me (se04 ep06)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If there’s trouble, get a message to me.” Erasmus says without as much as a shred of doubt and William glances between his hands and Erasmus’s face, dying for a touch. “Wherever you are, I’ll come to you. I’ll find you. You believe me?” Erasmus's hand is suddenly on William's cheek and he feels his heart crushing his ribs with the magnitude of its beating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The angst continues. There is also a cliffhanger at the end of this chapter that will be resolved in the next update!
> 
> Trigger warning: mentions of past physical abuse (by parents), mentions of Erasmus's past relationship.

Episode 6

Erasmus takes a step away from William, then a second one - it's not as hard as he thought it would be. Yes, there is the suffocating pain in his chest, pressing on his every nerve. There is the tingling at his fingertips and numbness in his legs. There's the coldness in his heart.

But he survives.

He moves in a haze. Someone pushes a pint of beer into his hand and he latches onto it like a starving dog. He drinks, and laughs, and follows people celebrating all around the town. And he doesn't think about William at all.

Not until late into the night, when he finds himself alone and drunk atop the town walls, looking out into the darkness. He's been here just a few days ago, looking out for William to come back with reinforcements that never materialised. Now he's looking into the void and he feels an overwhelming urge to run. 

He knew it was coming. It is his special talent after all, his inherent curse - to feel the subtle shift in people's expression, read into their tone of voice.

Ever since he can remember, people were always leaving him behind, even though he didn't give out his heart lightly. Each time he promised himself that next time he'll be ready.

This time he could feel it through his skin - William removing himself in small pieces, in increments. Continuously pulling away, until one day he was out of reach.

He scrubbed himself off Erasmus and walked away, leaving him reaching out with his unworthy hands trying to hold on for as long as possible. But the truth was, he was always meant to fall.

It's the little things that hurt the most, sticking in your memory like thorns. Things that will be no more. Like the way William dragged his nails over Erasmus's scalp or their teasing over religious intricacies. The secret language.

And the worst part is he didn't even ask his angel for anything, he'd settle for less if only William would keep him.

It's not like Erasmus didn't understand the reality of it all, after everything he's been through. After Leonard.

He was everything Erasmus was not - confident and driven. Erasmus fell for the man quickly, for his dark eyes and strong hands, from the very first moment he stepped into the brothel.

Leo soothed Erasmus's soul and kissed his bruises, that his father kept leaving behind every time he got caught. Erasmus kept coming back regardless.

Sometimes he even believed that in some faraway place they could be who they are without fear. 

But there isn't, and no one, not even William, could ever change that.

Erasmus would even venture to say that hidden between the beats of their hearts, they were happy. For a time. 

Until one day Leo gave it up for Erasmus's father gold. He remembers looking at the written confession in front of him only mildly surprised. Leo always was, above all, driven. That's what Erasmus loved about him to begin with.

His father didn't care enough to beat him up that time, didn't even say a word, but that somehow cut even deeper. 

Erasmus sighs and curls in on himself, looking into the puddle at his feet, at his own disgusting reflection - too bright hair and sharp jaw, spidery fingers and sinful hips. With features like that, could have he ever ended up any different?

There is a boundary he crossed from which there is no turning back. When he realised that the theatre is just pretending and those people around are just as empty as him.

A wordless sob comes from deep within his lungs and he curls up even more, shivering. He tries to muffle his wailing, but somehow that sounds even more pitiful. He throws the empty pint to the ground that breaks with a thud in the stone floor, right at the feet of a small boy, who looks up at him with worry. 

"Jo - Joshua?" Erasmus stutters. He must look even worse than he is feeling. "What are you doing here, where is your mum?" 

"Dad said you had a fight," he says as if that explained everything. It takes Erasmus a beat to realise who he is referring to, but he supposes that's only fair - they _are_ a family. 

"That's right," Erasmus admits and extends his arms around the boy. "People fight sometimes, you know? But it has nothing to do with you, I hope you know that. We both love you very much."

Joshua nods and Erasmus can tell some of the tension from his body is gone. From both of their bodies, because whatever happens now, he still has a family that he can count on and that he needs to take care of. It makes him feel a little bit better.

"Mom is looking for you, she said she has a plan."

Erasmus frowns, but he nods and lets himself be led away from his lonely spot.

*

William walks the empty streets alone. The celebration has mostly died out, save for a few individuals who are adamant on drinking themselves to death in back alleys. The vast majority is asleep now, but he couldn't sleep a wink. Not after everything that happened today. 

He walks supporting himself on a makeshift cane, trying his best to ignore the pain in his calf. The wound miraculously turned out to be less serious than he initially thought. And if there was some weird glowing light trickling through it, he decided to ignore it for the time being. Maybe it wasn't there to begin with, mind can play tricks like that sometimes. 

Once walking becomes unbearable, he turns his steps towards their townhouse and frowns while he sees light inside. He enters the building to witness a peculiar scene - inside, slouching over a hand-drawn map sits Erasmus, Julia and Joan. They're so consumed with their chatter, they don't even notice when he enters.

He coughs politely and when that doesn't have the desired outcome, he speaks up. "Can anyone explain what is happening here?" 

Three startled pairs of eyes look back at him, but there are no answers forthcoming.

"We're planning to infiltrate the Inquisition's stronghold," Erasmus says plainly. There is something from his very early attitude towards William - distrust, perhaps even hostility. William notices his bloodshot eyes, the bags underneath, the undeniable smell of alcohol.

Then the meaning of his words sink in and he feels the floor slipping out from his feet. "What? No, you can't! Erasmus, we've talked about this. I don’t approve -"

"We don't need your approval," Erasmus's response is quick and catches William off guard. There is a moment of silence during which William looks from face to face looking for support. 

"William, it's going to be fine," Julia steps in between the two. "This time we know what we're doing, we have help from the warlocks and sorcerers _and_ it will be a good diversion." 

William stares at her in disbelief, then his gaze wanders back to Erasmus standing defiantly with his arms crossed. There must be a secondary reason for doing this, there must be.

"Erasmus, why are you doing this? If it's about the promise you've made-"

"Not everything is about you!" 

_Oh_. That was… William doesn't know how to feel about it. He just stands there unmoving as they stare at each other equally surprised. The room is suddenly too cramped with no space to breathe.

"I didn't - "

"It's fine," William cuts in. "I - I'd better go." 

He's outside in a blink and hops towards the nearest bench. There is a stabbing sensation in his chest, somewhere to the left, but he supposes he deserved it for ruining something so perfect.

Oh dear, has he overreacted? A flash of embarrassment washes over him. If Julia says it's safe for the boy, then it must be. She's not like Erasmus - making decisions on the spot and hoping for the best.

A chill runs through his spine as he tries not to imagine Erasmus going back to his former prison, the Calden Keep, crawling with Inquisition's soldiers... He hides his face in his hands, forcing the despair down his throat. 

This is how Joan finds him sometime later. Her touch on his shoulder startles him back to reality. 

"Sorry. It's just - it's been a long day," he explains guiltily. She looks at him with worry he most certainly doesn't deserve.

"William are you... is there anything I can do?" 

"I don't want him to go to the Calden Keep," William whispers, his resolve cracking under the gentle words. "I don't know what happened to him there, but… it changed something in him. He shouldn't have to go back to that."

Joan sighs heavily. "I do. I know, because… because I was the one that did it. It's - I didn't want to but, I _did_ , in the end…"

 _Oh my God_ . William remembers their first meeting, how Erasmus found Joan in the cupboard, his initial reaction… how he spared her because William _asked._ He covers his gaping mouth with his hand, Erasmus's capacity to forgive nearly drowns him.

"I was meant to probe his mind and find the boy and Julia through their emotional connection, but it wasn't working, not how it was supposed to, and I couldn't understand why. I was doing everything right, so we probed more intrusively and - I'm so sorry! Now I understand why it didn't work." She looks back at William and his eyes widen with fear.

"Don't worry," she puts her hand on his. "When I saw you two in the cottage… whatever there is between you two, it's... pure. You can trust me not to tell, William. I owe you my life." She squeezes his hand and William is speechless.

"Thank you," he whispers after a while.

"I'll do what I can to protect Erasmus while we're there. But I think you should talk to him before we leave."

William sighs and nods. 

*

He finds Erasmus the following evening outside the town walls at the edge of the forest, leaning over a cluster of white blossoms. There is a small bundle of herbs in his pouch, a lantern by his feet. It's getting dark and the nights are still cool despite the blooming spring. 

"What are _you_ doing here?" Erasmus snaps at William, not even looking up and fear pierces his stomach like an icy needle.

There is this grand monologue that William prepared. He wrote and rewrote it several times, rehearsed it in front of a mirror until the sun was low on the horizon, and all it takes is one look at Erasmus to forget every word of it.

What is there to say, really? It's not fair that all that affection has to be crumpled down and put back into the box. 

Erasmus has promised him so many things and always kept his word. William has never promised anything. His actions have been erratic and barely thought through. Even though he was trying his best, he ended up acting on an impulse. Falling, quite literally, into Erasmus's arms. And this thing between them? Something he wanted, but couldn't keep.

"I just wanted to see you, before - before you leave. I wanted to, ah, wish you good luck." 

It's very strange to be back to this - strained smiles and choked down words, almost as it was at the beginning, but in a way not like that at all. It's all soured, twisted, fractured.

He doesn't know what more to say, but he can't force himself to go back either. 

Erasmus stands up abruptly and comes closer. It always amazes William that the man is only marginally taller. Their gazes lock and William holds his breath. Erasmus still looks very tired, there are bags under his eyes and his cheeks appear to be burning. 

“If there’s trouble, get a message to me.” Erasmus says without as much as a shred of doubt and William glances between his hands and Erasmus’s face, dying for a touch. “Wherever you are, I’ll come to you. I’ll find you. You believe me?” Erasmus's hand is suddenly on William's cheek and he feels his heart crushing his ribs with the magnitude of its beating. 

It would be so easy to lean into the touch, reach for Erasmus and kiss him senseless. He knows he wants this, he knows Erasmus wants it too. They’re in the forest, lantern-lit and close together, breath coming in frozen gusts and William just stands there, teeth chattering, but not from the cold.

“I believe you," he responds, swallows.

Erasmus smiles in a sad kind of way. “You do. Simple as that, eh? Thought you were losing faith, priest.” 

_I don’t want you to go, please don’t go. We can find a way, we can go back to that cottage in the woods, please-_

William knows that if he as much as asked, Erasmus would take him back here and now, extend his long arms around him and promise that everything will be okay. The heat of Erasmus's palm is still burning on his skin, seconds stretching into hours. 

He can't. 

It wouldn't be fair. He doesn't want Erasmus to settle for the bare minimum that is William. He deserves to be with someone who will cherish him, not keep at arm's length, someone who can live the rest of their life in a cottage for two. 

“Not -” William stutters the line. Swallows. “Not in you."

Erasmus sighs and drops his hand. William can still feel his long fingers curling over his cheek, his calloused hand, the warmth of his touch.

They look at each other with all the words unspoken, there is something very familiar to it, it's not the first time this is happening - hearts whispering to each other in their own secret language. _Everyone I love is in this room._

"I have to go." Erasmus coughs and turns abruptly. There are no more goodbyes.

William watches him leave, trying hard not to think it might be the last time they're seeing each other, and failing. They're not Romeo and Juliet.

_Oh God, what if I'm making the biggest mistake of my life?_

There's a lump in his throat he can't seem to swallow. Tears spill all over his face like a waterfall and he drops to his knees burying his face in his hands. If this is the right choice, it's the most painful one he's ever had to make. 

" _I love you,"_ he finally whispers into the darkness. "I'm sorry."

*

The two warlocks and a sorcerer who survived the battle put their hands on Joshua's shoulder. There is an almost imperceptible shift in energy, a spark. The boy draws a circle in the air that flickers for a while like hot air over a fresh brew and a whole new world uncovers on the other side. Everyone gasps in unison. 

Erasmus is the first to take a step towards it, the Inquisition's clunky armour rattles with his every move. He hates every minute being in it, but it's the perfect disguise that they have in abundance now. 

He reaches to touch the magical gate, but his hand passes straight through. "Incredible," he muses. It looks as if the world on the other side is behind a very foggy window, framed into a silvery ribbon.

It's the framing that's the most difficult part, as Julia explained to him. Most sorcerers who attempted the spell and managed to conjure anything at all were either torn by the excess of energy or sucked dry by it.

Erasmus nods to Julia and Joan trying not to shiver. Of all the possible moments it's now he had to catch a cold, shouldn't really have sat on the cold walls the whole night. He supposes it serves him right for being stupid. 

He made himself some brew before they left, gathered whatever herbs he could find around the town. That's where William found him, came to tell him - what exactly? It took all the strength he had to keep that distance between them. Maybe it was a goodbye. 

They step through the mirror-like surface and a moment later they find themselves standing at the foot of the Calden Keep. For Erasmus it feels as if he’s never left. He tries to ignore the vaguely paranoid feeling that it was Grand Inquisitor's plan all along. 

Sweat trickles down his temples within his overheated armour. He can't believe he came back here voluntarily. Even less that he is here to rescue William's annoying sister. 

"Ready?" He asks Julia, stalling for time. She nods.

"Good luck," she says and sits cross legged on the grass, concentrating. Erasmus's fingers start to tingle, he feels the tiniest breeze picking up - it's time for them.

They walk towards the main gate, Joan half a step behind him. This is the hardest part. If they can get inside, the rest should be easy.

He stops by the bored guard and fishes out a letter from his pocket. "From Vitalis to Grand Inquisitor," he announces, aiming for emotionless. 

The guard eyes them both way too suspiciously for Erasmus liking, but takes the letter and inspects its sigil. His heart rattles in his chest and he makes a wheezing sound. It must have passed the assessment, because he explains;

"I hope he has a good excuse for attacking that town without clear instructions. Grand Inquisitor was so mad, you had no idea how it was like in here." 

_Grand Inquisitor was mad, which means… he didn't order the attack?_ Erasmus is trying to keep his breath under control. _What does it mean?_

"And her?" The guard points towards Joan, breaking his train of thought. 

"Vitalis's Seer," he announces.

The guard grabs Joan by the hair at the back of her neck, forcing her to drop to her knees, to have a better look at her face. All the while Erasmus stands beside powerless. He can't intervene, not if they are to succeed.

In the Inquisition Seers are at the very bottom of hierarchy, worth less than rats in the sewers. They're considered contaminated, unclean, pushed around for fun. They're almost invisible.

Once the guard confirms Joan's identity, he shoves her to the ground and turns to open the gates. The irony of that is not lost on Erasmus - if only he were more careful with his own kind.

"Grand Inquisitor is not here," the guard announces in a disinterested tone. "Left to aid Vitalis already, I'm surprised you missed him on the way."

Erasmus swallows loudly, for the first time thankful for the armour obscuring his expression. "We had… one more letter to deliver to another garrison, we must have, er, chosen a different path."

The guard shrugs, while Erasmus is trying not to shake. He has to warn William. But how? They’re too far. Julia could send a message, but she's out in the field right now, the wind growing stronger - any minute now it's going to get noticed.

_Shit, shit, shit._

"Speak to Commander Torquemada." The voice of the guard jolts him back to reality. 

"What?" He blinks at the guard, looking more suspicious by the minute. "Ah, yes, sure. Will do."

 _Stick to the plan, there will be still time,_ he tells himself, though the prickling feeling of dread under his skin doesn't go away. He nods to the guard and they head inside, straight for the dungeons. 

"Hey, you!" They both freeze dead in their tracks. "What do you think you're doing witch?" 

Erasmus frowns, the guard inching closer looks like he just got out of prison. He was no match for the man, but his hand was closing around his dagger nonetheless. Any minute now, he tells himself. 

"Go, I'll meet you later," Joan whispers and pushes him away.

Erasmus eyes her, "are you sure?"

"The quicker we can do this, the better for everyone." She tries to smile, but it comes out strained and Erasmus isn't convinced. "Nothing I haven't survived already."

Before he can answer, Joan is already by the guard who reaches out for her. He can't look, he runs down the familiar staircase just as the bell starts ringing for alarm.

"Witch! There's a witch at our gates!" Shouts are coming from every direction. Some people run towards him, some with him and everyone assumes he's exactly where he's supposed to be. He blends in.

At last he reaches the very bottom level he remembers all too well, all the chaos of above just a distant noise. It's almost entirely empty, Grand Inquisitor left with the army, he reminds himself. He runs past the most hated room where Vitalis and Joan dragged all his most painful memories to the surface. 

_You and I are alike,_ the words still rattle in his skull, each in his thoughts. They never left, they never might. The Grand Inquisitor voice is soft and understanding, it doesn’t judge, it doesn't condemn. A balm for his rejected soul. _Trust me._

"No!" He shakes his head, willing to block the intrusive memories flooding in. Somehow this doesn't hurt as much as the most recent wound to his heart. In a very weird way it's almost as if William had made him a favour.

He runs past the corner and stops abruptly by a guard who looks just as stunned as him. The man's eyes go wide as their gazes lock. _Of course_ , he would remember Erasmus, wouldn't he? _Shit, shit, shit._

"I'm, er, here for the prisoner," he says truthfully, because nothing else comes to his mind.

"What?"

Before the guard can react, Erasmus hits him on the head with the hilt of his sword, effectively knocking the man out. He's not going to kill anyone, William wouldn't like that.

"That," he says and fumbles for the keys on his limp body. 

He opens the door he knows leads to three cells with metal bars, two of which are empty. In the third, there is a black ball huddled in the corner. 

"Agnes?" He approaches her carefully, puts a hand on her shoulder and shakes lightly. A pair of hazy blue eyes, not that dissimilar from William's look back at him.

“Oh.” She says simply looking at him, but in a way not looking at him at all and Erasmus is fucking furious. All this work for bloody ‘oh’!?

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He barks, because frankly it's all too much at this point, it's so very cold and they still have to find their way back and warn the rest.

“I was rather hoping not to see you… here."

“What?"

“Wheels are already in motion, dark clouds are gathering upon us."

“Okay, just tell me, and without that cryptic bullshit, what’s going to happen now?”

"One of us will die. One of us was always going to die, whatever happens, it's unavoidable."

Erasmus eyes widen, there's a sudden lump in his throat as his thoughts are spinning in his head, making him dizzy. “Wait, one of… who are you… who is it going to be?"

“I think you already know that."

**** roll up credits ***

[ [I Found Love - Amber Run] ](https://youtu.be/6R257FF6JA8)

_I'll use you as a warning sign_  
_That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind_  
_And I'll use you as a focal point_  
_So I don't lose sight of what I want_

_And I've moved further than I thought I could_  
_But I missed you more than I thought I would_  
_And I'll use you as a warning sign_  
_That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind_

_And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be_  
_Right in front of me_  
_Talk some sense to me_

_And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be_  
_Right in front of me_  
_Talk some sense to me_

_And I'll use you as a makeshift gauge_  
_Of how much to give and how much to take_  
_I'll use you as a warning sign_  
_That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind_

_And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be_  
_Right in front of me_  
_Talk some sense to me_

_And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be_  
_Right in front of me_  
_Talk some sense to me_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had the chapter drafted last week and then decided to include the trio's trip to the Inquisition's stronghold (I should probably stop lying to myself that I can push a chapter each week).
> 
> (Let me know if there are unfinished sentences, copying did weird cuts on my tablet).
> 
> I've also posted a chapter count! It might go up slightly, but it's fair to say we're very nearly there. Thank you everyone for sticking with me and following the story despite longer breaks in posting 🥰 It means the world to me.


	22. I will be with you till the end of our days (se04 ep07)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> William has to be brave. Even if he is going to die here in the upcoming battle, he has to believe it will make a difference, that it will point all the uninterested gazes to this forgotten patch of land and say look, _this is where we died for a cause we believed in._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an intense chapter again, it doesn't end with cliffhanger, but comfort will be in the next update.
> 
> Trigger warning for background characters death, typical battle injuries etc, but nothing overly descriptive. And of course, angst.
> 
> Thank you to kaiannanthi for beta"ing and for making me keep going ❤️

Episode 7

"Stay close to me," Erasmus tells Agnes trying to keep the dread out of his voice and failing. What he really thinks running up the staircase is: _fuck, fuck, fuck._

He gets rid of the stupid armour (or as much of it as he can manage on the way back) as he races with time. His heart beats wildly in his ribcage, its impact might just be fracturing his ribs. His whole chest is made of thorns, but he runs.

He bumps with stunned Joan on the way, mouthing to her Agnes will explain everything. "I'll provide diversion," he shouts thinking how stupid it sounds. Diversion to a diversion, but it's too late to plan for anything else. It's too late to plan at all.

Above the ground he is met with an absolute chaos. The wind turned into a storm that makes him wobble with every step, but at least no one's paying him any attention.

Not until the wind suddenly blows at his face, rips his hood down and exposes his copper-bright hair. A few heads turn into his direction, someone shouts after him, but by then he has already reached the stables and grabs at the first horse he sees.

The animal neighs at Erasmus disapprovingly. He never got along with horses well and this black specimen, which could easily pass as a spawn from hell, can clearly sense it.

_Fuck._

He holds onto the reins as much as humanely possible and rushes past the angry soldiers as more swords and spears turn towards him. The horse gallops towards the gate like a lightning, apparently just as desperate for his own freedom as Erasmus.

"I'll give you freedom," Erasmus whispers, wondering how did he end up being so mad that he bargains with a horse, "if you can get me out of here and back to Visby. I promise." 

Whether the horse understands it or not, it does traverse through the courtyard and jumps above a group of soldiers. Erasmus laughs. "That's it, like that!" But the laughter dies in his throat once he sees the gate in front of them. Locked. To the side there is a man coiling the ratchets of the drawbridge bringing it up.

With one hand and risking a fall to his death, he takes out a dagger, then hesitates. _William wouldn't want me to harm anyone._ But he has no choice. _There is always a choice._

Erasmus changes the angle and throws his knife at the man's hand instead. He cries in pain and jumps away from the device. The bridge falls down just in time for them to run through, wind blowing in his face makes it hard to manoeuvre, but he's out. He's free.

He can still make a difference.

There is a pursuit, of course, but he's not a novice to losing soldiers in a chase. Far out in the field on his right he sees a small figure advancing forward. He waves to Julia thinking it might be the last time they are seeing each other. It strikes him how much they've been through together, how far they've come.

It will take him days to get back to Visby, where William and Joshua are, where the Inquisition's army is headed. Not to even mention food for the journey or shelter, but he is sure - if he can still outrun the enemy's army. There is still time. 

_Please God, if you exist, let me not be too late._

Just as he finishes the thought his body is thrown into a vile fit of coughing, deep red liquid covering his hand. He stares at it for a longer while as if it could change anything, as if it could make it disappear.

"Bloody typical," he says to himself and rushes his horse. 

*

William watches as the Inquisition's forces are lining up at their walls. Again. It's a much bigger force this time. If the Inquisition wanted, they could easily set up a siege and wait for their town's supplies to run out. Idly, he wonders how long they could hold out, how long they would have to wait for help to come - if it would come at all, when everyone just wants to avoid confrontation. 

Everything revolves around that. 

William wanted to avoid it too - he's been avoiding it his whole life in fact, because it was easier. But now he knows it's not a way to live. He has to be brave. Even if he is going to die here in the upcoming battle, he has to believe it will make a difference, that it will point all the uninterested gazes to this forgotten patch of land and say _look, this is where we died for a cause we believed in._

If nothing more, it's a message.

A chill runs down his spine and he realises belatedly that facing all this danger was so much easier with Erasmus by his side. His hand still tingles impossibly with the man's touch, it embeds itself on the sword he's holding and in his heart. It's a seal he will carry with himself until the end of his days which, seeing how things are going, might not be for much longer now.

Unconsciously his mind is making a list of regrets, of things he achieved and things that he missed. And it's not at all what he expected regretting. They have made peace with Erasmus before he left, but the things that were left unspoken are eating at him now. If William dies here today, Erasmus will never know the truth how much he meant to him. 

The townsfolk are better armed this time - all that junk that was left behind from the last battle is now in their hands. Some genius inventor even managed to prepare additional ammunition for the muskets. But still the majority uses pitchforks and shovels against swords, and shields, and arrows. 

William clenches his fist on his own sword. When the time comes he will fight until his last breath. 

From the distance he can see a couple of riders waving a white flag and feels relieved. This time there will be negotiations.

*

Tomás Everardo de Tavera [1], better known as the Grand Inquisitor, orders his small army to stop at a safe distance from Visby. He looks up at the unremarkable town - it's a dirty little place like many others, except now its name is on the lips of everyone. The word about the Inquisition's defeat has spread far and wide, making Tomás's stomach churn inside. 

It was foolish and irresponsible of Vitalis to attack despite his clear order to wait. That alone wasn't anything new to Tomás - people disappointed him on a daily basis, but Vitalis was a competent enough person, if a bit hot headed. Most of the time this type of behaviour could be accounted for, but a mixture of this and his weird obsession for that redhead ex-Inquisitor, resulted in a combination of events he had not foreseen.

In fact neither Vitalis nor Erasmus ended up where he expected them to be. And he was so sure he read the latter's weaknesses and vulnerabilities right. That he accounted for the man's impulsive nature, pressed the right spots and opened old wounds, yet his plan failed.

Tomás looks to his troops, giving it one last assessment before the battle. The majority of it is infantry, well equipped in firearms and upgraded pikes. Training people on those was much quicker and cheaper than bows, even though they still frequently misfired. There is artillery, but it's not as useful as back in the days when most towns weren't fortified with proper thick walls. The weakest point however still remained - the gate.

He knows he can't afford the food and resources to siege the town for too long, so he decides to take the town by storm. [2]

From the distance the Grand Inquisitor watches as his emissaries leave for the town where they will be negotiating truce, one the heretics would never accept, he's sure. But that was the game he had to play if he wanted to be allowed to roam freely on this side of the border. 

This is what it comes down to, when there's no proper order to the world. And that's just the beginning of it. 

Once the boy comes into full power the world will change forever. There's not many people, not even in the Inquisition, who bear the burden of knowing the true meaning of the prophecy. Not many people who can make informed decisions, people like - the Grand Inquisitor. 

Once the common people grow in power, once they are permitted to make choices and influence politics, the world will be doomed. 

But there is still time.

Soon the sun will set, the gates will open for him and then they can start the real battle.

Soon.

*

Erasmus reaches Visby at night. He is exhausted and famished, but determined. From the distance he can make out the sound of trumpets heralding the beginning of the battle. He can see the night sky flicking orange and red from whatever spells are being cast, hears the rumbling of cannons, the crumbling of walls and tries not to panic.

_There is still time, he's here. He can make a difference. Calm down and think._

He stops at the edge of the forest, hidden by the darkness of the night. The majority of the Inquisition's forces appear to have breached the walls and the rest of the town is under heavy fire from artillery. The cavalry, which mostly consist of lords awaits in the distance. The Grand Inquisitor is standing on a nearby hill, sending orders and leading the battle. 

He taps the horse's mane and turns to leave his saddle, but ends up tangling his foot in the reins and drops with his back to the ground instead.

"Never again," he mutters to himself and unbuckles the saddle from the horse's back as promised. "I hereby grant you your freedom, you can now fuck off."

The horse neighs at him, and puts its muzzle under Erasmus's hand and doesn't move an inch. "Are you sure?" Erasmus prompts and then shrugs, "your choice."

Erasmus's eyes raise back towards the battle, his heart clenching against his will. He tries not to wonder if William is still alive, he has to believe that he is. He doesn't even want to imagine how it must look like up close. How many lives have been lost, how much blood spilled. And just to think he was convincing William this was the only way. He feels just as responsible for this as any of the Inquisition's leaders. 

But it's not over yet. He knows how the Inquisition works, how soldiers are trained, how battles are won. He's been one of them for long enough and it's high time this has paid off.

He takes a deep breath and looks around for the chain of command, identifies the fighting groups, the messengers that are carrying their orders. There. That's their weak point. 

The longer he looks, the clearer the plan in his head becomes and once it forms fully, Erasmus buckles the saddle back onto his horse and rides towards the closest messenger. 

*

Soon after the battle starts it becomes apparent that they're losing. William is not sure why he's even surprised by that. 

He should have known it was over from the moment Inquisition managed to somehow breach the gates. There are conflicted reports as to how this was achieved - either an inside job or a carefully engineered breach in the walls, but that is of a small importance now. 

They are fighting the losing battle at the front all the while the Inquisition's cannons are raining on their backs. Warlocks and sorcerers are doing what they can, but it's hardly enough. They're trapped and no one, not even Joshua can change that. 

Then, suddenly, the roar of the canons falls silent and a new enemy shows itself at the gate. Horses, which means cavalry. William smiles despite himself. They won't shoot cannons at their own men, he understands and signals the pikemen to attack. 

*

Erasmus can see from the distance how the Grand Inquisitor is trying to stop the cavalry, shouting and waving his hands in the air. He smiles. It's too late - the cavalry is already hurling towards the city gates and into the middle of the battle, right under the fire of their own firearms. The tide of the battle will turn any minute now.

It takes a while before they cease fire and Erasmus tries not to imagine what it must be like on the other side. Even though each and every one of the Inquisition lords is no better, and potentially even worse, than Vitalis, he feels sorry for all those poor souls in a way he never thought he would.

Erasmus takes off the Inquisition's messenger's clothes and throws his trumpet to the ground swapping it for a sword and rides into the centre of it all. 

By the time Erasmus reaches the town, the battle has turned into a bloody mess. It's hard to guess who fights on which side, everyone is smeared in blood and dirt. People are screaming, a large portion of the Inquisition's army is already running away. He can see a warlock trying to help those that are wounded and he thinks he might have even spotted the Grand Inquisitor himself on the battlefield.

The enemy's army is losing now, but there is still chaos and William is nowhere to be seen. His lungs feel way too small to breathe at the thought he might be too late after all, guilt explodes in his insides, piercing him with its spikes. 

_I should have been here. I should have protected you._

"William!?" He shouts despite being out of breath, crossing his sword with a few unfortunate souls on his way. He's too afraid to shout Joshua's name, he can only hope the Inquisition wouldn't harm him if they got to him already.

The cavalry is definitely defeated now, horses are being shot from under the raiders, a humiliating defeat for the lords. It strikes him that he always wanted to see that, he imagined it, but now having experienced it first hand he'd rather that never happened at all.

"Hello Erasmus," he hears a rasping voice behind his back. He turns around, sword raised in a warning, but the tall and handsome man is not afraid at all. He throws his helmet to the ground, wipes blood from his face and smiles at Erasmus. 

It's a charming sort of smile, one that makes you want to trust him, that makes you want to follow. It's no surprise that the man became the Head of Inquisition at such a young age. Erasmus holds his breath.

"I know, I know." The Grand Inquisitor says pointing towards the battle still stewing around them. He doesn't have a helmet, but his armour is no match for Erasmus. The man continues: "Very depressing. And just to think all this could have been avoided if only you did as I asked."

Erasmus feels his insides curling in on itself. It sounds like the truth. It _could be_ the truth. The man's voice is _so soft,_ so caring, you can almost believe in his reasoning. Almost. 

"No…" says Erasmus, but his voice wavers, the Grand Inquisitor doesn't even raise his weapon.

" _Erasmus._ You can't change anything now. It's over, you've gambled and you've lost. You have nothing left. Neither of us do. You've ruined it all."

Erasmus's hand feels heavy now. Maybe he's right, maybe he lost everything. Only prolonged the inevitable. Postponed it by a few years. 

He looks around - people are still fighting and dying, while he stands in the eye of the storm, static and unmoving. No one has won here, they all lost.

But then, behind the Grand Inquisitor and through the carnage he sees a glimpse of a white shabby wool and feels a spark of life coming back to him, running in his veins again. Even if everything else fails, he still has one purpose. 

His hand clenches the hilt of his sword, his other hand reaching for his hidden dagger. And this is when he feels it, a stray arrow piercing through his flesh at his side, just above his left hip. 

_Nothing serious,_ he thinks to himself. He can still fight, still make a change. He breaks the arrow's tail off and plunges forward.

Their swords cross with a clank and it quickly becomes obvious who is the better swordsman. Erasmus doesn't even want to fight, he doesn't have time for it now, it's not the fight he needs to be fighting. He coughs again, spitting red liquid on the ground and smiles. What else he has left to lose?

“You'll never win. You can’t kill an idea, Grand Inquisitor."

"Is that so?"

Their swords land on top of each other, each pushing to get the cut through. Though the Grand Inquisitor's uneasiness shines through. 

"If you kill us, we'll become martyrs. Even more people will follow," Erasmus hisses through his teeth. 

Erasmus's ears twitch as he hears someone approaching from behind, but too late - the ground is swept from under his feet, his sword slips from his hand.

The Grand Inquisitor swings his own blade downward to finish him, but Erasmus rolls to his side, throws a handful of dirt into his enemy's eyes and snatches up his dropped sword just in time to stop the man's next swing. They're both pushing with their full force, Erasmus still laying on his back, his opponent's blade starting to leave a mark on this throat. 

Then the man suddenly roars like a wounded animal, twists backwards for something - and this is when Erasmus can see it - the face of a woman whose name he does not know, but whose face he recognises - the Inquisition's Seer who stabbed William in the previous battle and who was used by Vitalis as a human shield.

This is the moment when could plunge his blade into the Grand Inquisitor's neck, but instead he looks towards William who is being surrounded. There is no hesitation, he's on his feet in an instant, running towards the man he loves. 

*

William fights, though he is managing just barely. There were three of them here at the start, now he's the only one. He doesn't fool himself, he knows he owes his survival to the protection of those around him. A sacrifice he must make sure that wasn't in vain.

Suddenly something red flashes before his eyes in the distance, among the dust and raised swords. Something that looks awfully a lot like a familiar red hair, but can it really be? A miracle, a second chance?

He pushes his way towards the ghost of Erasmus that of course _cannot_ be here, but William's hope is stronger than his reason, and beckons him forward. 

But before he can make a move, out of nowhere, a sword blocks William's view, swinging right at him. He reaches out to parry, but he already knows he's too late, his reflexes too slow. There's nothing left to do than brace for the impact, when-

The man stops, his eyes turn inwards and a sword is pushed through his belly. The now dead body falls to the ground, uncovering his gorgeous red-haired saviour, his face lined black with sweat, and smoke, and blood. There are arrows sticking from his side and shoulder, dark carmine stains on his light padded armour, but he's alive. They both are.

"Hi, angel," Erasmus grins like an idiot.

William's initial disbelief bursts into gratitude, then twists to terror as he sees the Ground Inquisitor behind Erasmus raising his arm. 

Time slows, stretching the moment, muting William's warning cry, but it's too late - a single bolt fires from the man's arm-crossbow and slams home directly between Erasmus's shoulders, before the Grand Inquisitor is subdued.

Erasmus's face twists in pain, a quiet gasp escaping him and he falls forward into William's arms, where he belongs, reuniting them at last.

William's thoughts are racing. There is no way that bolt would miss the vital organs. _Is it the lungs? It's probably the lungs_ , he thinks terrified, holding Erasmus tight in his embrace, chests pressed together. He breaks the bolt's tail off and slumps to the ground, holding his lover in his arms.

"Don't you dare die on me now! You hear me? You'll be alright, just - hang on… do you - do you remember when we went to the waterfall together?" William cradles the man in his arms unconsciously, his face streaked with tears. "And the ocean! You have to show me the ocean. We'll find a little cottage just for the two of us… Erasmus." 

"I - saved you -" Erasmus rasps with great difficulty.

"You did, my dear." He pets Erasmus's hair, sticky with blood and just as red. Presses their foreheads together. "In more ways than one." 

"Don't - " Erasmus tries to turn his face away coughing his lungs out. "I'm - I think - "

"I don't care." He doesn't. If they're going to die, they should die together.

Erasmus tries to resist at first, but relaxes eventually in William's grip, smiles despite everything. Despite bleeding profusely from his wounds and the pain that William knows must be twisting his body in waves.

"Yeah?" Erasmus whispers barely audible in a dreamy sort of way, his expression is that of utter hope, his eyes defenseless and vulnerable. Open for William like on their first night at Veld. "Stubborn angel."

"Yes," William sobs, because he can't help it anymore. "I - I love you." 

Erasmus smiles as his eyes close. "I know," he whispers and William leans in to press his lips to Erasmus's, drowned in salt from his own tears, sweat and blood. They join together delicately, slotting together like they're never meant to be apart, just as Erasmus's body grows in stillness.

"Please, don't die. _Please_."

Around him, there are still sounds of battle, people fighting, running, cheering. Someone shouts Lord Lockeart's name, suddenly there's more cavalry with different banners, cutting even further at the Inquisition's already weakened forces.

They've won.

But at what cost?

William is slumped over the body of the only person he's ever loved. Defeated and broken. Lost.

_Too little, too late._

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry…"

He clutches Erasmus's body in his arms, presses it to himself in a desperation he's never felt before. It hurts, it's a pain far more real than anything he experienced before. 

His whole chest aches and burns, he thinks he might drown from his tears alone.

_Wake up, please wake up. It's not over, it can't be over. Not for you. Please just- take me instead-_

Something stirs within him, and it feels as if pure fire was running through his veins. He thinks they might be glowing, but that's not possible, he must be losing his mind. He looks at his glowing hands in disbelief, the way they're pressed to Erasmus's body, how its light spills onto the man carrying the glow even further until Erasmus is made completely of light.

Whatever weird power overwhelms William, it drains as quickly as it appeared and he collapses to the ground next to Erasmus who, he can't be imagining this, sucks in a breath.

The man's chest heaves as the blinding light is receding. They're lying on the ground side by side, William not letting Erasmus's hand, not now. Not when it's warm and full of life again. Not ever.

He can't keep his eyelids open anymore, his whole body feels heavy and so uninviting, but he doesn't let go. He squeezes Erasmus's hand one more time and then his mind drifts away.

End of season 4

***roll up credits***

[[End of our Days - Archive](https://youtu.be/-Rewu-6LEOI)]

_Holding me down_   
_I can't believe I am drowning somehow_   
_Fall to my knees_   
_I need peace from the sound_   
_Sounds are deceiving_   
_My love of your pain_

_Look to the crowd_   
_Searching for something to turn us around_   
_Love never hides when it wants to be found_   
_All we can know this has to be now_

_Say you would never sing_   
_Something so beautiful I am your dream_   
_Tell me I am everything you'll ever need_   
_I am for you_

_Time is the key_   
_Give me your heart_   
_And you will see what I see_   
_Turning in circles to find what you seek_   
_This is the feeling I want to release_

_Take all my pain_   
_I am just a soul to be lost in your hate_   
_Take me wherever your spirit will fade_   
_I will be with you till the end of our days_

_Holding me down_   
_I can't believe I am drowning somehow_   
_Fall to my knees_   
_I need peace from the sound_   
_Sounds are deceiving_   
_My love of your pain_

_Look to the crowd_   
_Searching for something to turn us around_   
_Love never hides when it wants to be found_   
_All we can know this has to be now_

_This is the time to be taking around_   
_This is the night I will cause it somehow_   
_I am taking the feeling I come from your pain_   
_And turning it all into something to gain_   
_Hurt doesn't show when it's trying to rain_   
_Feelings are all that we have to be sane_

_Running I'm running the fight to get free_   
_Taking the only thing thats left of me_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] RIP me reading about history of warfare in 16th century >.>
> 
> This was a difficult chapter for me to write, both because it's a culmination of the story and because I had to do extensive research for the strategy (and by extension the story) to make sense. (This is why it has taken me so long - sorry again).
> 
> I don’t know if I managed to make it realistic, perhaps you can point out any inconsistencies in the comments:)
> 
> If anyone's interested in those kind of things, these are some good sources I found:  
> [ * 16th Century Warfare](https://www.emperorcharlesv.com/16th-century-warfare/)  
> [ * 5 Things Hollywood Gets Wrong in Miedieval Battles](https://youtu.be/ZZx4Jom_0oY)
> 
> [2] Tomás de Torquemada was a Castilian Dominican and the first Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisiton in the late 15th century. His successor was Diego de Deza Tavera.


	23. Wind of change (se05 ep01)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a surge of courage Erasmus traces the lines on William's face with his fingers, learning its shape again, the valleys and rivers by heart. It feels surreal, lying in bed, surrounded by William's warm hands and no one to harm them anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a real pleasure to write:) Thank you kaiannanthi for the beta ❤

Special Episode

William's eyes open to a brightness that can only constitute a day. His mind is reflexively trying to focus on something that he vaguely remembers as being important, but the thought seems to be out of his reach. 

His hand twitches, trying to grasp at something that should be there, but isn't. Instead a sharp pain that shoots through his bandaged fingers, making him grunt in discomfort. 

"Erasmus," he remembers, his breath hitching in fear. He bolts upright in the bed, hands painfully clutching his covers, eyes desperate to blink away the haziness. 

"He's here, he's safe." A woman's voice reassures him. "It will take him some time to recover, but the worst has passed now."

There is a touch to his shoulder, and somehow William knows it's Julia even before his eyes focus. Her hand lingers and William realises, no, _senses_ she is trying to reach out with her own powers. 

Behind her, on the other side of the room, William can see another bed - red hair spilling over the pillow, a chest that is peacefully raising and falling. 

"You scared us there," Julia continues, "bursting out with your energy like that. What were you thinking?" 

He opens his mouth, but no words come out. He _wasn't_ thinking. He doesn't even understand what happened exactly. 

There is another, smaller hand reaching out to him and only now William looks down at the young boy by his bed. "It's weird at first, but it's like reading - you'll get the hang of it."

"The hang of what?"

"Magic."

His expression must be that of utter confusion. Julia touches his temple and William feels a weird connection between them, a tiny spark.

"I can't explain it, but your magical levels… I wouldn't believe it if I haven't seen it. It's like you've had this great blockage, but now your energy is able to flow freely..." She stops, looks William in the eye. "You have powers now, William. You are very lucky it hasn't backfired any more -"

Her gaze drops and William catches the sight of her own scar extending from her hand upwards and disappearing under her sleeve. He doesn't think he will ever forget that night in the church. His gaze wanders off towards his own hands bandaged up to his wrists. 

"Yours won't be as bad," she assures him, "but William, you risked so much - "

" _Erasmus_ risked so much. For me. He didn't want to admit it, but I knew anyway. Does your mission - " _Agnes,_ he wants to ask, but is too afraid to word it, too afraid of what he might find. 

"That he did," the doors suddenly open and he hears a familiar voice, his eyes well up instantly. It's a presence William not only recognises, but _senses_ now. This will certainly take some getting used to.

"Agnes, I thought I'll never see you again." His sister sits on his bed and they hug for the first time since forever. First time since Agnes told him that _everything happens for a reason_ . "Please don't tell me you _knew_ all this would happen." He pulls away to look at Agnes, but he knows he couldn't be angry at her now if he tried. 

Agnes smiles in that enigmatic and slightly unnerving way only she can. "It was one of the possible outcomes, little brother. And not a likely one either. I would have never risked your lives, which is why I asked Erasmus not to tell… of course it was also unlikely that he'll listen, that hot-headed rascal. Luckily he has a guardian angel now." Agnes smiles all too knowingly and William feels his cheeks burning. 

"What about the Grand Inquisitor? The battle? We've won, haven't we?" He says quickly to change the topic and looks between Agnes and Julia who share sideways glances, "haven't we?"

"Yes, we have," Julia admits eventually, "Grand Inquisitor is badly injured, but will likely survive. Lord Lockhart will be taking him to the capital for a trial."

"But that's a good thing, right?" Lord Lockhart came to aid them after all, when William lost all hope that it would happen at all. 

"The pope is outraged. A lot of people are angry with the church now, mostly on this side of the border. It's expected a new splinter will form soon and they want to establish a new spiritual leader."

"A new leader?" William blinks. "But who?"

"You." Julia says and William's brows raise in confusion. An awkward silence fills the room. "They wanted me to ask you… if you'd accept."

" _Oh._ " William chews on his lip, looks towards Erasmus, then down at his hands and back to Julia. Spending the rest of his life in a formal church organisation, even if it would be a reformed one fills his stomach with dread. Is that what he's been fighting for? He wanted to reform the church, not break it in half. Will all those people be thrown out of the church and excommunicated? Will he? If he pushes his own emotions aside, objectively, what is the moral thing to do? "I - I'll have to think about it." He frowns, "how is it even possible that I have this _power_ now?"

"Not only you," Joshua chimes in.

Julia toussles Joshua's hair and turns towards stunned William. "You will not believe this."

*

“You’re alive.”

It's the first words Erasmus hears, but he recognises the voice and his eyes shoot open immediately. His vision is still blurry and it doesn't help that the room is almost completely dark, candles flicker somewhere in the background. There is a headache incoming, but his chest feels… clear. Like it hasn't been in days.

It feels too much like falling. He reaches out blindly for a grip and finds it - a hand that is warm, soft and… familiar. Their fingers interlock in a perfect union. 

Erasmus takes a deep breath and for the first time in a while there is no crushing feeling to it, no wheezing, no… pain.

"Angel…" he says, his eyes prickle (from the dim light of course, nothing else, his sight is still adjusting). He tries to sit only to feel the agonising pain shoot through his chest and shoulder.

"Don't move, you're still very weak," William presses him back into the hay bed with a force that feels alarmingly arousing and he can't stop the blush from blooming on his cheeks.

William scrunches his nose in the most endearing way and smiles. "I see you're feeling well."

"Like I've been pierced with a spear," he admits. "But I've been worse."

"Were you now," William allows that cheeky grin on his face and oh Erasmus loves him _so much._ "I'll try to get you something for the pain."

William attempts to withdraw, but that only makes Erasmus clutch to him harder, feels the rough pattern etched into the skin of his hand.

"Is that-"

"Very small price to pay for having you here, alive."

Erasmus gathers his courage, because despite everything he _remembers_ \- the bolt, William's tears and more. Many things have been said and it could have just been because they were so very nearly dying. But saying things when you're dying is one thing, it's a whole different story if you have the rest of your life to _live_.

"Angel, what happened?"

“I saved you,” They nearly say it at the same time and William can't stop smiling at him. "I did. You're alive."

“What - how?”

“The boy.”

"Is he safe? Agnes and Julia -"

With no small difficulty Erasmus leans up onto his elbows, blinking, shadows still playing on his vision. He’s dizzy, probably from blood loss from those bloody arrows, but he's also weak with relief.

“They all are, but - the boy,” William says again. “He’s the plague.”

Erasmus stares at the man, because he's not making any sense at all.

“That’s why they’re so frightened.” William lifts his hands, as if Erasmus can read the truth of it in his palms. “I did it. I did what he can do,” William says, moving closer again, maybe not quite aware what impact he has on Erasmus's poor heart which can hardly keep a steady rhythm now. Particularly not when William pushes Erasmus’s sweat-damp hair from his forehead and places his other hand against Erasmus's cheek. He can feel his face burning, thinks he might faint again.

But it's a calming sort of view, knowing the person most dear to you is safe. This is all he ever wanted. He can learn not to ask for more. 

“When you’re around him for long enough. It’s spreading.”

“What is? You're not making any -"

“Magic."

Erasmus's lips form a circle as the meaning of William's words fall into place.

"Joshua isn't the literal plague, but a metaphorical one! It never had anything to do with the disease to begin with, on the contrary! It _cures_ it!" 

William puts his hand on Erasmus's chest now free from the disease and leans forward, pressing their foreheads together, making Erasmus produce a helpless little gasp at the contact.

“I thought you were gone. I thought I’d lost you.” William shuts his eyes and his words come out choked, he looks like he's on the verge of crying.

“You never could, you never will.” In a surge of courage Erasmus traces the lines on William's face with his fingers, learning its shape again, the valleys and rivers by heart. It feels surreal, lying in bed, surrounded by William's warm hands and no one to harm them anymore.

“You can’t promise that.”

“Can’t I? Thought you were magical now. Aren’t you gonna keep me safe?”

William huffs out a weak, heartbroken breath, and Erasmus is close enough to taste it. Close enough to kiss.

“I will. If I can, I will.”

“Well then.” Erasmus tucks a curl of pale hair behind William's ear. Tries not to go cross-eyed staring at his mouth. "Nothing to worry about."

William tenses somehow again and looks away, but doesn't retract his hands.

"Listen, about what I said, when… well-"

"What you said." Erasmus catches on quickly enough. He's already made his peace with it. "No, it's- fine, I understand. Spur of the moment and all that, you don't have to - to explain."

William looks at him firmly, in a scary sort of way, determined. 

"I have to. And that's not what I wanted to say. I need you to know -" he clutches at Erasmus's arms and breaths deeper still "I need you to know that I meant it."

"So you-"

"Yes."

"...love me."

William nods. "We still have to be careful of course, but not like that - not like before. I'm afraid I was rather unfair to you."

"You were never - "

"It's alright, Razzy. I'm not perfect, I know that. I make mistakes. We should have talked about this, agreed something. Instead I left you fumbling in the dark and didn't even tell you how I feel about you. I never opened myself the way you have opened to me. And I can't promise I won't be afraid anymore, there is still a lot to figure out, but I want to do this together." He accentuates his statement by squeezing Erasmus's hand. 

"Angel…" this time Erasmus doesn't think he can push away the tears welling at the corners of his eyes, his hands start to shake.

_He doesn't deserve this, he doesn't deserve it surely._

"Oh, _sweetheart_ -"

It's hard to say who pulled who into a kiss, but they are kissing now, desperate after so much time apart, after so much time living in fear. But after all this time, after everything - they are still _together_.

"I missed you. I missed you so much," Erasmus breathes out when they break the kiss, still cradling William's face in his hands. It feels like a stone has been lifted off his chest. The relief he feels is immense and overwhelming. His muscles relax and only now he realises how tired he is, but he doesn't want to miss even a moment of this. Because it doesn't feel real, because he might wake up from this any moment now.

“Agnes lied to me. She said one of us will die."

“She didn't. You died, didn’t you?”

“I hate that you two are siblings."

William shuffles on the bed and moves to stand up, but Erasmus catches his hand again and doesn't let go. "Stay?"

William smiles, cards his other hand through Erasmus's hair. "Of course I'll stay." He says nesting himself next to Erasmus, even though it has to be extremely uncomfortable despite Erasmus moving to make more space for him on the bed. 

"If it's your sneaky plan to get me into bed, it's not going to work. You have to rest now and besides," William runs his hand up Erasmus's naked arm, "you don't have to tempt me. I'm yours, love."

Erasmus produces a string of incomprehensible noises as he buries his face into the crook of William's shoulder, hoping he can hide within it entirely. "Show me some magic trick," he mumbles into it.

William huffs a laugh. "I don't know...how. It all came rather naturally in the moment, but I'm afraid there's still plenty to learn."

"How does it work then? How can you… catch it? Can I have it too?"

William's hand absent-mindedly passes through Erasmus's hair as he speaks, making it almost impossible to focus on his words. "My understanding is that everyone will have it eventually, to a different degree of course. Julia will rebuild the Covenant as she always wanted, new schools will have to open… so much will change."

"Everyone will have it?" Erasmus frowns. "But that's… do you know how much chaos will that cause?"

"Exactly," William smiles brightly and adds seeing Erasmus's expression, "changes aren't always bad. They're difficult and sometimes painful, but often necessary and can lead to new beautiful things."

"You're right," he says and looks up. It strikes him how much William has grown, how much he developed. Erasmus has always known how much potential the man had lying dormant within, waiting to be unlocked. 

And as Erasmus watched William, unafraid and sure of himself and his goals, he realized that William was the real Warlock. The one that reconciled the world in a way no one thought would be possible, his true powers not granted by magic, but by the kindness of his heart.

William passes his hands through Erasmus's hair again and smiles at him. It's an open kind of a smile, beaming at him with a blinding sort of radiance.

It's not the end of the war, merely a beginning of the end. The battle won at Visby will be a catalyst for change. There will be more opposition from the Inquisition, a new Grand Inquisitor will arise but the most important change has already happened, both for the world and for William. 

***roll up credits***

[[Two Men in Love - The Irrepressibles]](https://youtu.be/Ck6pAIHwHgg)

_If I asked you now_   
_Will you be my prince_   
_Will you lay down your armour_   
_And be with me forever_

_When you open me_   
_All the power in me moves_   
_How you want to see_   
_All the depths of me real_

_When you open me_  
 _All the power in me moves_  
 _I feel real,_ _I love you_

_When I look into your eyes_   
_There's a danger inside_   
_When I see the edge_   
_I can never hide_

_See me running, running, running, running, running_   
_To you, from you, to you_

_There's a strange love inside_   
_It's getting louder and louder and louder and louder and louder and louder_   
_There's a danger I can't hide_   
_Who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am_

_I'm in love, I'm in love_   
_I'm in love, I'm in love_

_(Love. love love...)_

_Gonna build you up, gonna help you believe honey_

_There's a strange love inside_   
_It's getting louder and louder and louder and louder and louder and louder_   
_There's a danger I can't hide_   
_It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am_

_I'm in love, I'm in love_   
_I'm in love, I'm in love_

_We're just two men in love_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the Slow Show suggests there was one more season, but it feels like the right place to end the story here:) There will of course be one more chapter-epilogue that should be posted within a week:)


	24. Epilogue

Hidden scene

Erasmus wipes sweat from his forehead and raises from the dirt. He has been pulling weeds for the better part of the afternoon and is exhausted, but happy. His vegetable patch consists of everything that he needs to be self-sufficient - potatoes and squash, leeks, carrots and turnips, some lettuce, onion and garlic, and cabbage. To the side there is a chicken coop and even a small orchard with apples. All this at the edge of a forest, small yellow leaves falling to the ground. 

Fall has always been Erasmus’s favourite season. The time to harvest crops and make delicious preserves for the winter like he always wanted. He feels warm just thinking about sitting in front of the fireplace with a cup of something hot, while the snow is falling outside the window.

He pushes the doors that open with a creak (stone lintel is so low that he has to lean under it) and enters the empty cottage. It's small, but for his own needs it's more than enough - there's the living room, crude kitchen and a bedroom with a small bathroom upstairs. 

It’s eerily quiet and if not for the singing birds, he’d start talking to himself long ago. He puts the water to boil and pulls out a sachet with the newest craze called ‘tea’. He considers hunting for a rabbit or at least catching a fish for his evening meal, a little something that would brighten his evening, when he hears a horse neighing outside. He smiles.

The doors open and a blond man walks in, a letter in his hand, the evening sun creating a golden halo around his pale hair and Erasmus's heart grows tenfold. He looks at the man he loves and who wants him, _loves_ him back. Who will _always_ come back to him. 

"If that lintel was any lower, we'd have to crawl in on our hands and knees," Erasmus remarks casually as if he hasn't been dying inside, waiting for William to come back. As if he hasn't acquired tea that came all the way back from China only to see the man smile.

"I like seeing you on your knees," William grins, reducing him to indistinct noises, his ears burning, his stomach clenching. Erasmus's body lighting on fire from the sheer proximity of their bodies.

Turns out William has a real talent for this - making Erasmus a mess with only his words. 

"I've missed you," William is by him in an instant, embracing him and kissing his throat, the corner of his jaw, the man's hands trying to cover every inch of his body all at once. But there's also a red light lighting in his brain, a voice saying _you can't have this._

"How did it go?" Erasmus asks snatching the piece of paper out of William's hand and wriggling himself out of the embrace, because he doesn't know how to deal with this much affection poured down on him all at once. It is terrifying at times, especially after a longer break. Who would have thought that Erasmus needs more time to adjust to the new situation than William.

"Joshua misses you greatly. He will be staying with Julia. Rebuilding the Covenant, open new schools, lots to do."

There is a moment of silence, during which Erasmus flicks his eyes over the letter, trying to make sense of it all, creating at least three contingency plans for every possible outcome. William continues. 

"Explain to me one thing. You told me you couldn't read and that's why I offered to teach you, but considering your upbringing that wouldn't be possible."

"Isn't it obvious?" Erasmus flushes even more, trying to hide behindthe piece of paper. "I lied. To spend more time with you."

" _Oh_. Oh, you wily serpent. I won't be leaving again, my dear." 

"You won't?" Erasmus frowns in disbelief and he needs to sit by the table, before his legs give out. "But what about the new forming church, the people? There is _no one else_ I would trust with this kind of responsibility."

"That is kind of you to say, but if I accept, what happens once I die? What about fifty years from now, a hundred? No, no man should hold this amount of power over the others. And that responsibility shouldn't be pushed onto others either, it's up to each of us to listen to our conscience and decide what is wrong and what is right. Deep down inside we do have the answers."

Erasmus waits a bit, breaths, swallows. "Does that mean… you don't think this… what we are doing is wrong?"

"How could it ever be? I know it took me a while to understand this. I was too afraid that admitting it would mean everything I believed in was wrong, but it isn't. It doesn't have to be. Wasn't you, who told me _God wouldn't want us to suffer because of what we are_?"

"Ngk," of course he has. _He has._ But he hasn't expected William to remember it after all this time. 

The man smiles and the whole room beams with light. "I can see this now with full clarity and one day people and the world will understand and accept it too, maybe even someday soon, but until then I will be here and I will keep you safe as best as I can."

William sneaks his strong arms around Erasmus's waist and lies his head on his thighs. He lets his own hands wander into William's soft curls. The familiar feeling of relief and peace settles into his chest and spreads around his body. This feels right, he doesn't have to be afraid. 

"Is this the moment I wake up to find out it was all just a dream?" He asks.

"You won't. You've been through a lot, we both have, and I know what you are thinking, but Razzy," he looks up into Erasmus's eyes. "Scars cannot be forgotten, but they can be accepted. I love you. I love you the way you are _now_."

Erasmus's breath hitches and his legs twine around the soft warm body in front of him. Believing he can have those things now is a process, but William never rushes it.

"Angel," he swallows, still a little afraid to ask for what he needs, "show me?"

He asks because words have deceived him too many times. He knows this is more about his past than about William and one day he will heal, but for now- 

"I will, dear, not only today, but tomorrow and the day after that, and afterwards too," William says joining their hands together and kissing his knuckles. "When I was away I dreamed about your hands and your soft lips, sweeter than honey, your freckled arms, but above all, about your kindhearted soul."

Erasmus's heart clenches. " _Yes, please_ ," he whispers and William scoops Erasmus off his seat, chests pressed tightly together and carries him upstairs to the bedroom - _their_ bedroom.

"We have our own story now," William says between breaths that are like a seal to Erasmus's skin. Carefully sets him down on the bed and places himself on top. 

"Who would have thought - an unlikely couple saved the day," Erasmus chuckles.

"I beg your pardon?" William feigns being offended, "unlikely?"

"A priest and ex-Inquisitor? Oh sorry, sounds like every love story I've ever heard."

William swats him gently. "Better than Romeo and Juliet for sure."

"William and Erasmus, and their adventures in the Magic Land."

"I like that. I like that very much."

William's weight on top of him feels grounding, it's a lover's secret no one else will ever get to know. The man's blond curls, soft skin, those strong _forearms_. One of them sneaks under Erasmus's thigh and hooks it above William's hip. His hand sliding down his bottom over the clothes and it suddenly gets very hot in the room. 

"Is this okay?" William asks, he always does, even though he knows the answer. Erasmus nods frantically, it takes them a moment to struggle out of the clothes, but then there's the touch of skin on skin, William reaches out for the almond oil and smiles knowing that Erasmus left it here on purpose. 

The man guides him gently to lie on his stomach, while William peppers kisses and soft touches to his back and thighs, his hand traces his hand on Erasmus's spine and then lower still, it sets an electrifying sort of feeling at the base of his spine.

He loves it. He can't remember the last time anyone was ever that good and patient with him. 

William takes his time. Once he's satisfied, he brings him back to sit on his thighs, body flush together, chest to back. They join together like a clasp that was always meant to be. 

Erasmus on fire with the affection he feels deep inside that only now winds into something physical, a language that he knows how to navigate. 

"You're a vision, dear." William says, his freshly scarred hands travelling through his body, but they will heal. One day, they will.

William tucks a strand of hair behind Erasmus's ear and nibbles on it gently, which makes him cry and reach with his arms backwards, but the strong forearms are already around him, holding him tight. From now on they always will. 

Their breathing, cries and moans synchronise. The moment stretches into eternity and time loses any meaning. It always does, when they're together like this. It's almost as if it was allowing them to make up for the lost past.

It's hot, and soft and world-changing. He looks out the window, the sun dims into twilight, but it's still bright on the horizon. And he's anything but quiet, but William doesn't tell him to stop or to hide. They're safe. 

At the very precipice Erasmus reaches out to bring himself to the finish line, but his lover, but his lover is quicker, their hands join together. "Show me, dear, show me what you need." Another kiss is placed to his neck,"I love you, I always have, always will."

It doesn't take much longer after that, it can't get any better. When William cries his pleasure into Erasmus's ear, he tumbles after him soon after. Any tension he might have felt before now completely gone from his body. 

They are a pile of boneless limbs and it's hard to tell where William ends and Erasmus begins. 

"I'm so glad we looked for shelter in your church." Erasmus murmurs into William's skin. 

William kisses his head, "likewise dearest," he says. 

They fall asleep in each others embrace.

*

William wakes up to the sun shining at his face, his eyes flutter open to see little yellow leaves falling from the trees outside. 

It's a day like any other. 

It's the first day of his life.

His arms tighten around the man in front of him, aiming for contact with every inch of his body. 

_I love you,_ he whispers into Erasmus's shoulder blades and is surprised by how easily it rolls off his tongue now. _I love you the way you are now._

William has never loved before, not like that. Not an idea, but a real person, with their flaws and imperfections. 

It wasn’t like a waterfall at all - crushing dams in its wake, but a slow and steady rise of water level. It was like a warm rain on a summer day that soaks you to the bone before you know it. And it was there long before he was even able to admit it to himself. 

He was never broken.

He understands now that he doesn't have the power over how other people feel, that he can't avoid all negative feelings no matter what he does, that disappointment is a part of life. That avoiding hurt at all cost is not a way to live.

William wants to cry but it feels like it's not tears that leave his body, but something else, something heavier that he now can let go and leave behind. 

And he feels safe - in the arms of the man he _loves._

He stands up and breathes. For the first time in what feels like ages the future looks bright and he's in a place where he belongs, where he was always supposed to be. The road he was walking was long and tough, but it was leading him here all along.

Home. 

He's finally home.

The End

***roll up credits***

[[Slow Show - The National]](https://youtu.be/9au0FfTfzz0)

_Standing at the punch table, swallowing punch_  
_Can't pay attention to the sound of anyone_  
_A little more stupid, a little more scared_  
_Every minute, more unprepared_

_I made a mistake in my life today_  
_Everything I love gets lost in the drawers_  
_I want to start over, I want to be winning_  
_Way out of sync from the beginning_

_I wanna hurry home to you_  
_Put on a slow, dumb show for you and crack you up_  
_So you can put a blue ribbon on my brain_  
_God, I'm very, very frightened, I'll overdo it_

_Looking for somewhere to stand and stay_  
_I leaned on the wall and the wall leaned away_  
_Can I get a minute of not being nervous_  
_And not thinking of my dick?_

_My leg is sparkles, my leg is pins_  
_I better get my shit together, better gather my shit in_  
_You could drive a car through my head in five minutes_  
_From one side of it to the other_

_I wanna hurry home to you_  
_Put on a slow, dumb show for you and crack you up_  
_So you can put a blue ribbon on my brain_  
_God, I'm very, very frightened, I'll overdo it_

_You know I dreamed about you_  
_For twenty-nine years before I saw you_  
_You know I dreamed about you_  
_I missed you for, for twenty-nine years_

_You know I dreamed about you_  
_For twenty-nine years before I saw you_  
_You know I dreamed about you_  
_I missed you for, for twenty-nine years_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe we've reached the end! (It's my first ever multi-chapter fic and I feel so emotional right now 😭). 
> 
> I've been writing this story for almost a year (I submitted the first post on 23/12/19) and it's been part of my life for such a long time, it feels weird to finally finish it. 
> 
> I want to thank everyone, who bounced ideas with me (I'm looking at you, Kai 😀) and who had the dubious pleasure to beta this mess of a story at any point.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who commented and left kudos (you have no idea how much this helped me keep going, when I felt like I couldn't do it!). 
> 
> And thank you to everyone who simply read and followed the story, I hope it at least brightened your days in this dark times (despite all the angst) and that the ending brought hope into your heart.
> 
> The support I received was truly amazing. Thank you for being here. ❤️
> 
>   
> I will be writing more things in the Good Omens fandom (though probably not in the Warlock TV Show one) - I have a priest Aziraphale / ex-priest Crowley oneshot in the making, and I will be writing for the Mystery AU (posting starts in December).
> 
> I'm also in the Antichtistmas zine, pre-orders of which have already closed, but all the content will be posted to AO3 on the Christmas Eve:)
> 
> In the meantime if you are looking for more hopeful content and you're into human AUs, I have a [ Kate & Leopold AU (romcom) ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25020178) with some magical undertones (time travel) and a happy ending:)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for all your lovely comments and kind words 🥰
> 
> Say hello to me on [ tumblr (@teslatherat) ](%E2%80%9Dteslatherat.tumblr.com%E2%80%9D)  
> 


End file.
